Today is Day 1

I sat in a chair, nervous as ever, because of an old subconscious fear about visits to doctor’s offices that resulted with needles and date back to my early childhood memories. The procedure itself is simple. The anticipation, however, was my biggest hurdle. The rest was nothing more than a few pinches of the skin. And here’s why.

I have lived this way for a long time. I understand the terms medically resistant depression. I understand the side effects of different mood stabilizing medications. I have taken different meds, all of them with unlikable side effects, and all of them seemed to take away a piece of my personality.

I felt as though I lost a bit of my charisma, and in some cases with certain medication, I found my depression to be worse. I gained weight and last sexually ability. In the depths of my despair, the suicidal ideation was like a tiny whisper in my ear that wouldn’t go away. In my case, medication was not as successful as other tools and exercises.

I had to learn how to replace thought with action. And with me, the overthinking process is a killer. The result is insomnia.
The thought process can be unstoppable.
One thought becomes two, and then two becomes four, and then before I know it, my thoughts fan out like a dove’s tail. At this point, all I can do is ride the wave until exhaustion gets the better of me.

During the day, my thoughts range the same way. My anxiety levels can be high without warning or stress related problems. Similar to my problems with insomnia, the over thinking is painful. The worry, the shame, the feelings of emotional discomfort, and the struggles to find my own identity, plus the worry to find my identity and not like what I see creates an emotional quicksand that takes over.

On bad days, this is hard for me to get through. On bad days, I cannot enjoy myself. I turn inward. I sabotage and self-destruct. I struggle paranoia.

 I am not sure if my depression is a result of my anxiety or my anxiety is the result of my depression. All I know is that I have lived this way for my entire life. I have lived with depression for as long as I can remember. And yes, I say I live with depression. I live with it. However, I do not struggle or suffer. Over the years, I have learned healthier coping skills. In my younger days, I found less responsible methods of temporary relief but each one came with drawbacks and lead to some of my addictive compulsions.

I have learned about meditation. I have learned basic cognitive behavioral skills, mindfulness, and replacement and distraction therapies. I use visualization exercises that are and have been helpful to me. However, these were not easy lessons to learn.

I was introduced to the idea of Botox injections as a means to help with medically resistant depressions. This was introduced to me by Dr. Ramesh Sawhney. 
Dr. Sawhney is a doctor at a facility I am associated with known as The Recovery Spot.
The Recovery Spot and I have a special link to one another. Same as I am learning new ways to fight back against addiction and mental illness, The Recovery Spot is doing the same thing.

We have partnered together to help people through rough times. I am acting as a sober and life coach here; however, The Recovery spot is doctor owned and run, which means they fight back through proven scientific methods.

A long time ago, I read that depression is not a problem with character. It is a problem with chemistry. They recognize this here at The Recovery Spot, which I will tell you more of in other posts but for now, I will focus on the Botox procedure.

Dr. Sawhney injected Botox in various places across my forehead, temples, at the bridge of my nose. I received injections at the base of my neck and in a few spots in my back. The idea is the Botox will absorb into the brain and block the overactive receptors that contribute to my depression. Aside from the forehead locations, there were spasms in my neck and back, which were alleviated just minutes after the injections.

The facility is a beautiful place. Dr. Sawhney is a comforting man with a calming personality, which made it easier for me to accept the injections. He explained each shot and how this will interact with my body. He explained there is lidocaine in the mixture as well, which helped relax my fears.

We videoed this because I want this published and seen by all. I want people to know about their options. I want people to know there are wellness plans out there, which, can be life-saving. If interested, the video can be seen on my Facebook page

As for the immediate results, well, I can say the tension in my neck and shoulders is improved. I can say that overthinking is still present; however, the thoughts are not as critical to me. Perhaps this is because I know there is relief in sight. I am told the real change will come within five days. This is day one. And I already feel results.

As for side effects, I have not suffered from any. There was no discomfort after the procedure. I noticed a better range in motion at the base of my neck and the tops of my shoulders. The sharp edges to my thoughts are not as sharp right now. But this is just the first step of many. I say this is the first step because I plan to see this through.

Since I chose to become a wellness advocate and since I have an affiliation with The Recovery Spot as a life and sober coach; if I am to bring clients for help, then I would not want to bring clients to undergo a procedure that I would not do myself.

One of the problems I have with the opiate epidemic and the flooding of mind and mood altering medication through the prescription markets is it has crippled our society with addiction.

Put simply, we make up 5% of the entire world’s population; however, we make up 80% of the world’s opiate consumption. I wonder in some cases if doctors that prescribed medications would prescribe the same medications in the same regard to their loved ones and close family members.

In my experience, I saw Mom struggle with five diseases in her spine. She was on so many pain killers, which in my opinion inevitably killed her.

I wonder of the pain management specialists would have been so free with medication if this were their own family. Would they dose their children this way? Would they give their family a dependency problem?

I watched Mom be stolen by pain meds. I watched her deteriorate and essentially, I watched her die. It was me that had to sign the papers to take Mom off life support and it is me that lives with the picture of Mom’s last breath in in my head.

This memory is painfully vivid and clear. So much so that I wish some of her doctors were there to see this. I would have liked to show them what they took part in.

It is true that Mom was not well and that death is an eventual and inevitable part of life. However, the pain meds took Mom away long before she passed.

Saul Williams, a poet and writer, once said, “Stealing us is the smartest thing they ever did. Too bad they don’t teach the truth to their kids.” Williams wrote this in regards to racial inequality.
But I say this quote has another meaning. In my eyes, I see how this relates to big pharma.

Stealing us was the smartest thing, in my opinion, is a similar process to the mortgage crisis we faced in our country. Same as the market was flooded by mortgages that should not have been given; our society has been flooded by overly prescribed medications that helped to create an epidemic, which has actually lowered the life expectancy rate in this country.

I took a series of injections to help alleviate my depression. I did not take any pills or ingest anything that would leave me physically dependent. I was not stolen. I was gifted. This is why I do what I do. I do this because I would like to see people that live lifelessly become fulfilled and return to life. I can’t do that if I do not lead by example.

Today is day one: So far, I feel a little better. And to me, a little better is a lot better than not feeling better at all.

Know what I mean?

One thought on “Today is Day 1

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