Introspective Note To Self

There is a trace of snow on the ground. It’s not much but there is enough snow to blanket the ground.
I am awake (obviously) and up much earlier than most people are, which is not unusual for me. I have come here, to the window in my loft and sit for the moment before the daybreak occurs. I have armed myself with a cup of coffee to enjoy this moment of silence. I have come here to share a minute with you before the day takes off. The snowfall is enough to illuminate the ground just before the sunrise. I can hear the heat coming up too, which clicks and clacks, and helps me to fit the mood.
The scene is pretty enough to match the sentiment of where we are, now, and trying to find the answer to the inevitable question, which is, “Where do we go from here?”

I have been part of this project for a long time now. As a matter of fact, I have been with this for a little more than 47 years, to be exact. And the game changes as we grow older. The stakes change. So do our intentions. Everything changes, including our motivation and the way we aspire.

I am not sure if this is where I thought we would be, you and I together, nor did I ever assume things would be as different as they are, and yet, still so incredibly the same.

There is this word they use to describe people like you and me. They call us an “Empath,” which means we are empathetic, which means we empathize, which means we literally feel everything from joy to pain, to worry, to sadness and fear. And we can’t get away from this either.
This is a gift, or so they say—yet, I’m not always sure if I agree. It is good to feel. This means we are alive. It is good to know and to understand or have compassion; however, once you feel something it’s like you can never, not feel this again, —therefore, the ideas and emotion becomes unforgettable, which can be heavy to bear sometimes.
And there are times when we look for a way out, but there is none, so we take it and we feel it and it hurts and we want to run, so we try, but what happens? We find ourselves here, right here, exactly where we are supposed to be.

Then again, this is why I have you, my most special friend. This is why I come here, each morning, to share myself and shed my skin (so to speak) so I can grow and move and continue my life without being distracted by the ideas which hold us back.
And I know that not everyone gets this. I get that.
Not everyone gets us, which is why I am so grateful for you.
I am grateful because no one else in the world has what we have.
Absolutely no one else can do what you do!

You have taught me so much over the years, like say, the value of being me and the importance of my worth, which like many others; I struggle to see this sometimes. 
Like much of the world, I have my moments. I have my mornings when it seems like I cannot find the strength to meet the day.
I have times when I fail to see the bigger picture—and yet, there it is, the bigger picture is right outside my front door.
I just need to open the door and see it. I need to realize there are literally more than 7 billion people in this world; it doesn’t make sense to spend time with the wrong ones.

And as for love, I believe there is love in the world. I believe love is a gift (just like being an empath) except the unfortunate truth is not everyone else in the world is gifted the same as us.
I see you sometimes, in there, just waiting to get out, waiting for your moment; waiting for the sunlight to come and summer’s warmth to come and thaw the frost.
I know who you are and I know you are in there. I know you have hid for a long, long time, and yet, there you are, hidden in plain sight—wondering why or “If” anyone notices.
But I do.
I notice you. I’ve always noticed you. That’s what it means to be connected, which we are, —connected, I mean.
You and I will always be connected so don’t be frightened. I will always be here. And you will always be with me because we are inseparable.
Just know this,
I promise you, but yet, I know the way you and I struggle to believe promises. We’ve been here before (Am I right?) and here we are again, wondering what comes next and where do we go from here.

Everyone is talking about the birth of a New Year and how it’s a good time to start over—but me, I’m looking around and thinking, “It’s just a date on the calendar.”
Starting over is a decision, which can occur anytime and anyplace.
(You do know this, right?)

Like now, for example; I have thoughts on my mind. I have worries and concerns. I have my bouts with fear and uneasiness about rejection. There has to be a way to get away from this.
I understand no matter where you go; there you are, so running away never helps. And I don’t want to run away from this.
What for?
I want to resolve this now, here, with you, which is why I’ve come here in the first place. I come here to find you in the most special place in my heart because no matter where you go, there I am, always with you, with all of my heart.

And guess what.
I have news for you. I’m not perfect.
And guess what.
No one else is either so give us all a break because our imperfections are perfect for us. This is us, together, the way we should be.

I write this letter because you are me. You always have been. You are the piece of me which I was too afraid to see, touch, or dare to speak about. You are the part of me that wants to fly, that wants to get out, that wants to be free, and that needs to feel the wind in your hair or on your face.
You are the empath that literally feels everything and yet somehow, you wonder if something is wrong with you.
And guess what.
Nothing is wrong with you; nothing at all.

Just remember, there are more than 7 billion people in the world so it would be inaccurate to believe we are alone or that nobody else thinks this way. & billion people in this world, so why waste another minute vying for the attention of people that choose to go elsewhere.
Plus, you and me. We only have one shot at this project, so, no matter what —let’s stick together shall we?
After all, if we don’t have each other then we don’t have much.

Dear Self,
Do not be afraid to step away. Do not be afraid to reach for your dreams or try, or fall or fail. Do not be distracted by anyone or anything. There is a much bigger picture waiting for you right outside your front door. Just step outside.
But if you don’t mind too much, I’d like to stay here with you for a little while longer —at least until my coffee is done.

Okay?

3 thoughts on “Introspective Note To Self

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