Life got off to a different start today, which means my usual position is out of sorts. This means I had to wing it today, which is not how I like to spend my morning. But either way, life is life and here we are on the great conveyor belt called Project Earth. Know what that means? It means either way, rain or shine, happy or not, we still have a race to run.
There are times when the screws seem too tight. And there are times when there is too much happening at once. The laws of nature are less than kind and moreover, there are times when the tension is too thick and so stiff that my attention becomes distracted. I need to breathe.
Do you get where I’m coming from with this?
There are times when my plate is full. There are times when my resentments get the better of me. I am human. I am me. And moreover, in times like this, I have to find a way to detach and disconnect. Otherwise, the anxiety machine tilts out of control.
I start my morning the same way, each day. I wake up at an early hour, which is usually somewhere around 4:00am. I make my way to my trusty coffee machine, put my cup in place, and then I push the magic blue button to let the coffee gods drop their nectar into my cup.
In fact, as I explain this to you, I can hear the hissy-gurgle-hiss sound. This is the sound my machine makes as the coffee spouts into my cup. My house is mainly dark or dim at best. I head up to my loft, which is where I come every morning on a daily basis. I come here to expose myself here to you (or to whomever reads or cares). This is where I let it all out.
I use this time to disconnect the mind. I shut the tower down, so to speak, and what I mean is I lower the antenna and close my eyes for a moment. Then I breathe. I inhale through my nose and pause for a second. Then I exhale through my mouth. I do this nice and slowly. After a few breaths, I open my eyes to see this, a blank page. This is where I take form. This is where I shape myself. I shape my thoughts here. I face my distractions and allow my fingers to type them away.
I put on music to help motivate me. I usually play something soft. Or, maybe I’ll listen to Kerouac. Maybe I’ll listen to something from William S. Burroughs. Or Carroll. I love listening to his poetry. I dig him because he had a past and like me, he had to find a way to make sense of things.
This is my place here. There are no critics. There is no room for educational snobbery. No one can touch me or hurt me. This place is for us. This belongs to me, which is why I hold you in such high regard. This is my escape. This is my breath of fresh air and quite honestly, this is the routine I have created to help me handle the tensions and the stressors that become uncontrollable sometimes. Or is unmanageble a better word?
I sometimes listen to a chant that goes “Om so hum,” which means “I am this,” or “I am that.” The chant is sung by a choir in an almost Gregorian style. I allow this to take me away.
I let this take me because it is true.
I am this.
I am this person; eager to feel, think and be rid of my distractions. I am this person that is able and capable. I know this is true; however, there are times when emotional thinking becomes irrational. And I lose my place sometimes. I feel like that kid again, too scared to be singled out in the classroom and too ashamed because in my head somewhere is the lie that I am not up to par.
This is why it’s great that I have you. You have shown me otherwise.
My favorite part of my morning routine is when the sun comes up. I love watching the sky change. I love seeing the first light. I love the way I feel after I finish typing the very last letters of my thoughts. I love this because I can exhale. I can breathe. I can let this be me without the distractions of irrational thinking. I can breathe a little easier and let the tensions go.
I depend on this
(and on you.).
I depend on this because I am fragile at times. I’m scared too. I wonder if I’ll ever have time to pull off my trick. I wonder if the 9-5 world I work in might get the better of me. I wonder if I’ll make a switch or pull a card and find my way towards something new. It’s possible.
Either way, at least I have you, my most special friend.
You are worth more than you know.
By the way, have you ever listened to this in the background?
It’s pretty helpful to me.
Then again, you already knew that. Right?