Just a Thought, Just Because – Lesson Learned

Here I am in the soft hue of morning,
the sun is on its way,
and the sky is about to change,
which is pretty of course.

Then again, everything changes.
Everything moves, even when we are still,
all of us are moving, continuously, ongoing,
and endlessly around on this big thing
I call Project Earth
because nothing is ever still.

I am alive as well as I am a mixture of deceased moments
that no longer exist except, of course,
in the mind that is
because what is anything
except an existence of the mind. 

I am a compilation of a thousand memories,
which are pleasant in some regards,
and in others, I am a member of the outside or inside biases.
I have my bouts with shame and pain
and, of course, I have my interactions
with fault and guilt -|
not to mention the grips of regret
are always reaching
and always looking to make contact
in case we get lonely.

I am “The Other Side.”
I am the difference and split between assumptions
and internal confusions. I am a series of ideas
and trained concepts and,
as well, I am an interpretation of experiences in my life
which may or may not be accurate
but depending upon the deception of my perception,
truth is only a matter of belief.

And, too, I am a series of mistakes
and transgressions. I have compiled and filed away
a list of secrets and sins
which, in all transparency,
I have a past that sometimes creeps its head
and waits for me around corners, as if to say,
“Hey, remember me?”
“Because I remember you . . .”

I have pictures which I see.
I have memories of faces and moments in my life
which although intellectually, I understand my places in the past
are gone. I understand my interactions
and the rules of my previous engagements.
Intellectually, I understand where I was,
as well as who I was; but more,
I also recognize that simply this;
I am not that person anymore.

It is clear to me
the deviation from the standards
of our so-called social training is an interesting game.
At least to me . . .
This means it’s a trick to step away from yourself.
This means to do this
we have to forgive ourselves of the unchangeable moments
and leave the past behind
so that now, we can move ahead and go forward
or go onwards to live a life
which is no longer plagued with unhelpful memories –
We have to move out of our own personal shadows
that shade our opinions
or degrade our attempts to live a better life. 

I can say this –
Yes, I have faces in my mind.
I have memories of movements
and actions and yes, I can say
that in the violence of my mind,
I can say that I recall moments
that I have outlived and look to shake.

I have worked hard, on a daily basis,
to remove myself from the shackles of the unalterable facts
which is as follows – Yesterday is gone.
All the remains are the memories and the biases,
and the “internal flinch”
that moves in anticipation
or lives with the impending expectation
that the past will rise again –
And if that happens, I’ll be
exposed for who I was –
even though I’m not that person anymore. 

Now, of course, we all have a past.
We all have shadows that dim our brightness
or confuse our future with worries of chaos.
We all go through our series of catastrophes
which inhibits our ability
to think beyond the realms of our personal prejudice –

We have to get away from our judgments,
our verdicts and, of course,
our sentencing of crimes that have yet to happen –
Yet, we believe in them so heavily that, of course,
the past is bound to happen again – the past repeats itself
and so it is, almost as expected, the self-fulfilling prophecy
comes around again
to prove us right.
Meanwhile, we never took the time
to recognize our part in the game
was an essential piece to the puzzle;
hence, this is why we struggle
to get away from ourselves 

I know the voices from my past are only pieces of thought
which argue with my current self
and remind me of the pain,
in fear that the pain might return
which is a pain that used to be mine,
but it is no longer –
It’s not mine, not anymore.

I think of Harry Stewart
And, I know that I’ve mentioned him to you before.
I think of when he sang,
Almighty God, give me just a little more time,
to right all the wrongs that I have done.

I understand what that means yet
from my perspective, in my heart,
I know there will come a time
when I am made to face myself –
and in the face of my final encounter,
I will have to answer Why?

I am not alone when I say the words,
“I don’t know,” which, in fairness, deep down,
we always know.
We might not like to reveal this.
We might not like the truth behind our motivations
because the truth can often reveal a level of selfishness
that leads us towards vanity
and the need to save face.

But I remember a time when I was in the middle of thickness.
I can remember the sad descent from grace
and while in my despair,
I remember the offered suggestion.
This came in a room of unclean men, angry,
caught and captured in a small room with bars.

I remember being told – you can only do one of two things.
But, no matter what you choose to do, just remember:
You can’t save your ass and your face at the same time!

So choose carefully
because you might lose some skin on both ideas,
but to save your face, you’ll try to look pretty
and take a portion, just to get away from the consequences
But –
to save your ass might come with a painful remedy,
but hey,
at least you won’t have to go through the same thing again.

Unless you forget yourself (again)
and find yourself back in the saddle –
because you didn’t listen the first time