I watched a man’s eyes slowly withdraw when he moved the plunger down on the needle in his arm. His expression pulled back; like something warm had delicately massaged the inside of is mind and bathed him from reality.
I thought of how many times I said, “That would never be me.”
But there I was; crouched in the middle of some vacant room, and about to do something I said I would never do.
“I ain’t using needles,” I said.
“You don’t have to,” I was told.
“You can sniff it if you want. Or you can smoke it….that works too.”
All I wanted was to stop the constant grinding that came with the speedy end of my drug binges. My jaw clenched tightly and my nerves were so painfully frayed. I wanted to feel something easy and weightless, but in the absence of gravity, the fall was too devastating.
I compared the cocaine blitz to a cool, blizzard-like feeling. The white powder transformed my blood, and as the poison moved throughout my veins, I felt the extraordinary flood of adrenaline bursting through my system.
I compare the high to a beautiful light, which was so crisp and so bright….but the light was too brilliant, so I only caught pieces, or glimpses at a time.
And the glimpses moved too fast, so I couldn’t keep up.
I tried though….
I tried as hard as I could
I needed something (anything) to cut down on the cruel whispers. I needed something to cure the paranoia. I needed something to stop the voices I began to see, and I need something to soften the intensity in my spine.
Everyone says the same thing. “I’ll never do anything like that.”
They say, “That’ll never happen to me.”
They say, “I’m too smart for that.”
At least that’s what I said.
When you’re on your knees and you need to feel better….
You would be surprised at the things people do.
The package was a small white, waxed-paper envelope. The word “King” was printed in blue lettering, and beneath was picture of a king’s crown. This package came from the Bronx near 134th St and Willis Avenue.
It’s funny; I can’t remember where I bought my first pack of gum with my own money. I don’t know what movie I saw for the first time without my parents, and I cannot remember the name of the first girl that wanted to be my girlfriend…….but I remember everything about my third bag of dope.
As the grains shot through my nose, I did not get the same bitter taste, which comes with cocaine. The lines were tiny.
In fact, the content of the package was small. I spilled the package onto a little square mirror, placed the straw next to the tiny hill of chemical, and then placing my finger on my right nostril, I sniffed the flaky powder through a straw, and into the left side of my nose
Then I waited.
I waited for something to rescue the madness and stop the urge, which pulsed through my body. I waited for something exotic. I was waiting for the weight of gravity to pull me to the ground and turn me into earth.
I was tired of running. I was tired of moving, and twitching.
I was tired of the bright angry glare.
Minutes later, when the powder snuck up on me, I felt my body shut down to a perfect crawl
….like something warm had delicately massaged the inside of my mind
and bathed me from reality….
I don’t blame anyone for not understanding.
However, people understand more than they think.
In the down and out, people do what they must to feel better.
I did the same thing.
I found a demon willing to make deals.
I euthanized myself in doses, and I died in several moments to experience the synthetic light of life after death.
You said, “Trust me; I would never do anything like that.”
That’s what they all say, kid.
And by the way, that list of things you said you would never do…
it gets checked off pretty quickly when you’re down and out
or did you learn this already?
The Written Addiction 