When I began to consider my life and contemplate the ideas of taking on a new direction, I thought to myself, honestly, and I looked around at the fixtures on my wall in my home.
I looked at the photographs I had and the smiles on people’s faces. I swore, i didn’t want to be the way I was, but yet, I was.
I considered the people in my life. I thought about my friends and my family. I thought of this and after surviving me and defeating ideas of “Why me?” and, “Why do things like this always happen,” I took an honest look at me and my role in this opinion.
I looked at the things I did and all the projects I began but never finished. I looked at my perception of hope. I looked at my ability to endure and to continue.
Today is day five of a five day, 30 hour course I am taking to gain a new certification. This will help propel me one step closer to my goal. The course has been broken down into five parts, all of which have been helpful and educational.
Most of all, I learned that I should always keep learning. I learned that I should always keep growing, that I should always seek and not be satisfied or complacent with old models of thinking, and more importantly, I should always remain teachable and learn how to learn.
I used to fight a lot. I used to argue. I used to complain a lot too but nothing changed. I used to shake my fist at the sky and cursed and spit.
I fought with people. I fought over places and things. Most of all, I fought with myself.
I fought with me about me, in which, I mean I fought to be heard and to be justified. I fought because I swore if I didn’t fight, I would go down and lose control.
I fought to gain control but this is when I had the least control. Eventually, I lost sight of what the fight was for. After a while, I fought for so long, I had no idea how to retreat. I had no idea who my enemy was or what they looked like. I had no idea that in many cases, my enemy was me.
Surrender to win.
Between the before and after is a pivotal moment that changes us. This can change our lives and change our world. The pivotal moment between before and after is the catalyst of change that alters the way we see, think, or feel. This can happen frequently or infrequently. This can come up suddenly, often, daily, or once in a lifetime. The catalyst is not aligned with good or bad or even indifferent. The moment can be either or. A catalyst is something that creates change. Nothing more, nothing less.
I feel bad for the kids today. They have no soul. I tell you
they have no earth to them, no depth—and they’re mad about this. They’re mad
because they never went outside to like, say, build a clubhouse or play hide
and go seek.
They don’t even have real cartoons these days. The kids today have no idea what
it’s like to wake up early on a Saturday morning to watch Bugs Bunny, or Woody,
or even Heckle and Jeckle, Magilla Gorilla. I mean, my God, some of the kids I’ve
spoken with don’t even know about The Flintstone’s for Christ’s sake.
Of all things I have ever wanted to be, the one thing I’ve always wanted to be is happy. I want to be happy with where I am. I want to be happy with the person I am and happy with the things I do. Of all things I’ve wanted, I have always wanted to be able to look myself in the mirror at the end of the day and be comfortable with my reflection. I want to like what I see, not regret it. In fact, I don’t want to regret a thing.
There are people who appear happy. There are (of course) the social media posts which give the appearance of happiness. There are people that seem to have their life together. They have their happy family and their happy lives in their happy, beautiful homes with a garage or perhaps even a detached garage—and to all others, the appearance would seem wealthy and fine.
I had no idea what to expect. All the training and all the practice, all the role-play scenarios and all the theories were nowhere near the same as the real thing.
I was on call for the first time. I was the primary specialist, which meant if there was an opiate overdose call to 911 within a certain district, I would be deployed to one of the served hospitals as recovery support.
My job was to meet the patient at the hospital. I was to interview them and then see if they were willing to undergo treatment instead of heading back out, just to set up again and find another needle in their vein.
North and south of me, up and down, or high and low. I am not alone here, not m I the only one the feels or thinks this way.
We’re not crazy, you and me.
We just wonder if we are.
Note to Self:
Going forward, I say there needs to be a dedication to move onward. I say this takes commitment and an awareness that understands the depth of our commitment is equal to the level of our success.
I say we need to understand our goals. In future, I say it is important to understand the value of our dreams and the importance of our best possible interest.
I say this because there will be no one else there to see this through (Except for us) and that rather than have a dream deferred, I plan to have our goals achieved.