I know there’s more for me to learn. And I will always have more to say.
I suppose this is why I will close this journal today and start a new one tomorrow.
And I know . . .
I’ve skipped a class more than I should have, —and yes, the Almighty Teacher is always watching and as far as I can tell, She is always taking attendance.
Skip a class, and She comes to find you because the Almighty Teacher is not one to give up on her students, regardless of how defiant that might be.

I hated the politics of the classrooms. And I still do.
Did I ever tell you how I used to hide in some of the closets behind a stage when I was in school?
Did I ever tell you about the anxieties that plagued me ?
Or have I mentioned how this followed me into my adulthood?
I’m sure that I have.
Of course, I have.

I suppose it’s true what they say. You can’t see the forest from the trees. And so, I suppose I never assumed that I would be where I am now, or if at all possible, I never thought there would be a “now,” at least, not when I was alive back then.

There is no future.
There is only this moment.

I see the world like a tiny ball of mercury, which I held in my hand once. Shimmering. Mysterious and odd.
Daring in some ways, and simple in most regards.
It is what it is, is what we always say.

1)

It has been said by many, if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be.

I was told that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

I beg to differ.

If I am to find whatever it is or whatever it takes to get me to where I need to be, then I have to look and be willing to do whatever it takes to get wherever this is.
By any means. No excuses.
And should my fears intimidate me get in my way, then I must allow the depths of my will and intent to grow stronger.
I must let my will and my intent gain the strength it takes to outweigh the whispers that shout louder than my insecure screams.

There is no such thing as being inferior.
Understand?

If I am to be the person I choose to be, then I have to take the steps to achieve whatever it takes to get me to where I need to be.
And so, make no mistake.
If it is up to me.
Then it is up to me.

And so . . .

Morning, coffee, my dreams
The machine, which is life and the wheels
that spin . . .
Man, they are certainly turning
too fact.

It is almost March and the mad pace
of everyday life and the subways
are enough to make a man crazy
on his way home.

Another one of the City’s Homeless
decided to see if I or someone else
would take the bait and fight.

I did not meet this man halfway
but I did persuade him
to think differently about me

He agreed.

This is for you
Fran.
I suppose no one else could understand
except for you.
Then again, I suppose this is what makes you who you are.

This is why –
I love you
and this is why everyone who meets you
Loves you as well!

Ah, The East River.
New York City
Early at sunrise. Thursday.
Come to think of it, the sun is coming up earlier now, which means that yes, the winter will slowly give way and thaw of springtime will be here before we know it.
You have always been beautiful to me. And I have seen you throughout the years, always moving, always quiet, and always watching the world around you just like the Ever-loving Mother, and Mother of All, full of grace, Holy with attitude and generous with your judgments.

At the risk of repeating myself, gone is gone.
Dead is dead and buried is buried.
We all know this.
Or maybe I repeating myself when I say that we all know this from an intellectual standpoint.
Emotionally, however, emotions are a different story altogether.

No amount of pleading with fate or begging for something to rewind or replay can change what took place.
We know this to.
Yet, still, we try.
We beg.
We pray and we ask.
Please, just one more chance??

There’s no way back.
Or better yet, there’s no way to go back to what was said or change what happened.
This is a great lesson to learn.
You cannot change or relitigate the past.
And this is another great lesson to learn.

Whatever could have (or should have) happened, did happen, and no amount of pretending or avoiding or negotiating can change what took place.
So, learn.
Open your eyes.
Pay attention.
And learn your lesson.

I was somewhere in the eighth grade. I was far from a student and far from someone with a good sense of comprehension.
I hated reading. I hated the books and the material. I hated homework even more, which is why I never seemed to do mine or any other schoolwork, for that matter.
English was never a strong subject for me. Then again, none of my subjects were either strong or interesting to me.
I hated school

It must have been closer to the end of the year. This was the first time I ever heard anyone read Hamlet or Shakespeare.

My English teacher was older. She was tough and she was not someone who I would look at and find attractive.
Until . . .

Years later.
I do not relate to the way things were, back when my times in yellow cabs swooshed through the streets in New York City.
I was well dressed and self-absorbed but more, I was blind because I knew the lies within were about to bubble over at any given moment.
You can lie to the world.
You can put on a brave face.
You can fix your smile and deny as much as you choose.

But the truth is always going to be the truth
I was always told to watch for the changes. I was told that the tides can turn and fortune can turn to unfortunate in a matter of minutes.

I am driving fast on the FDR, heading north and going Downtown while listening to a song called English Rose.
I like this.
I like hearing vintage songs from my past.
I like how this one reminds me of a movie called This Is England and the show which came around the movie released.

I love what this reminds me of.
I love the truth of life, which I feel when I think about my recent crash course with life and the fallouts of mistakes.

I never liked the classrooms or the feelings of anxiety that I’d have when walking in the classroom. I used to panic. I used to fear the worse and believe that something awful was about to happen. And usually something awful did happen.
I never liked the fears that came over me or the change in my chemistry when I was questioned or told that there was going to be a test.
God, the anxiety was awful.
I hated how it felt for me when standing up in front of the classroom. I hated being laughed at or bullied or yelled at by my teacher.. I swore to myself that I would never step foot ina classroom again,
I swore that I would never subject myself to this kind of fear or pain or worry.

It is strange to me now how my life has changed.
So have I.

I suppose the surprising or the funny thing about any of these entries is that I never assumed that this would be me.
I never assumed that I would show this part of myself or share the things that I have shared.

My past was poorly guarded and devoted to the unfortunate side of bad ideas.
I trusted people who were undeserving. And I gave myself away with the mistaken understanding that I somehow had to “sell” myself otherwise, who would care?
Who would like me?
Or who would want me in their life if I offered no benefits?

I am awake again and at the same time at the same place in my bed. I am thinking about too many things and so, it is hard to ease my mind or rest my breath enough to sleep.
So much happens in the span of time.
Too much has gone on between the distance of you and I.

I would rather be somewhere or anywhere else, —preferably someplace warm, like say, far from the world we know and far from the old snow and the slushy pavement along the streets in Downtown, Manhattan.
It amazes me though.
I am amazed at the places I’ve seen and the person I’ve been throughout my life.

It amazes me still, to notice the range between highs and lows or when money was tight or my dollars seemed more like a plethora of chances, which I hoped would never run out.

I am at an impasse at the moment.
I have been here before too.
Only now, everything seems different.
I swear, this is like walking down same street for decades
and now, somehow, everything is strange to me
or maybe I have outgrown myself (again)

I suppose I could call this one of my first summers in hindsight. Then again, I am letting this go out to the atmosphere without any kind of decoration or imagery to hide behind.

Foreshadowing is real. Yet it takes hindsight to have us look back and recognize that life shows us things, like windows of opportunities and warning signs that offer guidance.
But I was blind to this.
I was blind in some ways.
However, I was a visionary in other ways and somehow, I was too afraid to let myself see the life I wanted most.
I was too afraid to try and find out that something about me was wrong or otherwise undeserving, and that as close as I came to having what I want, in the end, I would always be close, but never victorious.

What is it now, I ask.
If you think or look back, what do you see?
How does our life look now that all the lights have faded?
The bridges we burn cannot light our way anymore.
Some people say that this leads them to feel “stuck” and if you ask me, nothing is worse than being “stuck.”

The dust of our past has settled down after a late afternoon rain and the brutal heat of summertime was broken by a storm to crack the humidity.
Do you understand this?
Do you remember the summer?
What about the storms that made the sky turn dark and crazy when the humidity was too much?

It is no more out of the question for you or I to revisit where we used to be than it is for us to question what made us go our own separate ways.
And still, I look back.
I think back about the days before stress took place. I think about the feelings that come when we are young and free and nothing is so critical or so important that we have to divert our attention to anything that deviates us from our path of personal redemption.

And what does this mean?
What does it mean to be redeemed or to find redemption?
What does it mean to lose ourselves and find what was lost, enough so that we can both redefine what it means to live life or to be young again.

The funniest thing is that I swore I would never grow old. Then again, this is something that young people say.
Or so, I suppose.
I swore that I would never walk the line or conform or be like the people I knew who became part of some kind of system that seemed to be lifeless or draining.

I never wanted to be the kind of typical 9-5 person who raced to get out of the front door and make it to work on time. I never wanted to be “that guy” while dressed in the typical or usual business attire with a newspaper tucked under one arm, a Styrofoam cup with hot coffee in the other and a briefcase in tow.  

I have loved these days, though gone, years ago and folded away as if to be placed in little folded envelopes to keep in my inside pocket of my so-called vest and keep them as keepsakes.
This is my worth, right here.
And yes, this is all I have now.

I have these moments of life when the sun was high, the wind was warm, and the feel from the ocean at my feet was enough to leave me with the feelings of satisfaction.
But to add, I have more to this which is far deeper than what the surface mind would catch or understand.
And so, if you wouldn’t mind and if I can lay down my mask and shield and put my swords away, I would like to share my softer side.
Or more, I would like to show you what I fear most and never dare to show anyone.

And so,
I don’t suppose that you meet many people in your life who take part in such a way
And so,
I suppose it would be hard for anyone to subscribe to the idea that heroes are real and that Angels can, or will, or that they do exist and appear to us, here on Earth.

And so,
If you don’t know then my guess is you can’t know.
You wouldn’t know what it feels like to be rejected or unwanted and then, somehow, someone like the above comes to you with no agenda other than to let you know that yes,  you do matter. 

I miss my walks. . .

I used to take these walks for a reason
I love the way early morning looks and how the sun comes up. I love the emptiness of the quiet streets in my town, which was otherwise sleeping at daybreak.
I love the way my feet felt when they hit the pavement, as if every step had its own individual purpose and yes, each step walked with intention.
I slammed my foot down as if to be determined, and I was more determined with each step.
This was great!
I swear.

This one goes out to all of those “overthinkers” out there
And this goes out to those who sit with their personal plagues and overthink their way into quitting before they even begin –

Write on, Poet.
This is my best advice

Snowfall.
This is the first significant one
of the season,
I assume today would be better spent
if I spent it where I want to be
instead of spending it here.

Today _
I go back to the roots of my dream
Poetry

and . . .
so . . .

I start with this –

This is written as somewhat of a mission statement.
So, I will understand if you choose to abort this now.
Then again, this is not your mission.
Not by any means.
So in fairness . . .
Your participation is not necessary.

I offer this as a personal interference to which I am intercepting the off-putting ideas of self-doubt.
Therefore, do not give up.
If the word never is real then so is forever.

This is to you, Ma . . .

I know . . .
. . . it’s been a while.
it’s been even longer since we walked or talked
or had the chance to sit and eat.

Mom.
No one knows what it’s like.
Or no, I assume that no one could know what it was like for me, or for you
But we do.

We know of course because we both lived through what we lived through.
And such is life, in another lifetime.
And though he changed the scenery and Act 1 became Act 2 and so on, time will always be the undefeated winner because time waits for no one . . .
“. . . it passes you by.”

The funny thing is I don’t miss much about my so-called yesterdays.
Least of all, I do not miss the times or the memories that no longer seem to benefit me.
So much has happened.
But yesterday is yesterday.

I am so far removed from who I was, regardless of how close I’d like to be
Or maybe it would be better to say there are parts of my past which seemed to have happened in another lifetime.

And suddenly, I am someone else and jettisoned to someplace warm, like say,
away from all the useless small talk and the nonsense that takes place in our everyday journey.
I have this dream.
That’s all.
It’s nothing huge or crazy.
This is more simple than it seems.
I swear it is.

This is from the heart, of course.
I swear that all of this is true and that all of this is unfiltered.
I have to do this, by the way.
I have to let this out, otherwise, emotions can spoil and my thoughts can turn against me.

I say all of this without thinking, as if to open the gates and let my thoughts run like hungry dogs who’ve been pent up for way too long.
And same as the dogs, I need to eat too.

I do not suppose that anyone hopes to find the obstacles ahead of them.
Yet, we all have them.
Obstacles, I mean.

I suppose if we could have it easy, then we would choose to have it easy and thus, none of us would struggle.
No one would hurt.
No one would experience the lows or fall into the pitfalls that bring us to our knees.
No.

This was written to you in pieces.
I kept notes of my thoughts throughout the night and compiled them together after hours of up and down, and sleepless trips to the bathroom.
I suppose there could be different meanings behind this.
For example, snow is falling at the moment.
I like this.
Maybe the snowfall is less of a sign. Or maybe this is only a sign to me.
Maybe I think about the way snow can cause two people to be closer.
Or perhaps the snow is a simple thing and nothing more than happenstance. Or better yet, I suppose we make this simple enough to all this the first snowfall of the New year.

Why complicate things?
Or overcompensate?
Let the process be what the process will be.
But this is what scares me.

Before I go onward, I recognize that I am and that I will forever be a fan.
I am a fan of different things. But more, I am a fan of things that make me think or feel. I am a fan of things that drive me to be unafraid to change or walk against the grain. I am a fan of anything that makes me move or causes me to choose and find my own path.

Before I move farther with this, I have to say that yes, I am a fan.
Music. . .

The best saying I have ever heard is “sometimes being bad feels pretty good.”
And I do confirm. Sometimes being bad does feel pretty good.

I stand behind the belief that sometimes you have to defy the rules.
You have to go against the odds. You have to experience what it feels like to lose your mind.
I swear.
You have to howl.
You have to scream and most of all, you have to dance until sweat pours from your body.
This is a must.