Do you want to know what I want?
I want the simple things. I want to grow my hair out again and not care about the judgements that come with it. I want to run but not away. I want to go on a trip and be happy to come home.
Understand? I want to be happy with who I am and what I have or better yet, I want to switch my focus so that the “Have-nots” are as meaningless as the wind that’s already passed.
What do I want?
I want the perfect sense of homeostasis. I want balance. I want to reach my best level of awareness so that I can achieve my best level of understanding.
This way, I am not hinged upon my outside sources but more, I am fine to be connected from within.
I am balanced. I am at peace. I am me.
I am at one with myself and with those who are around me; and while nearly all of the world is beyond my control, I want to be at a place where my level of understanding does not allow me to personalize anything that does not belong to me.
I want to be free of my own bondage. I want to get rid of the barriers and blockages that have kept me stuck. I want to feel the music and hear the lyrics.
I want to dance without worrying if my steps are awkward and more, I want to sing out loud and not be afraid of the hear the sound of my voice.
I have seen so many things in my life. I have been through wars. I have seen moments of peace. I have experienced the quiet before the storm and yet, I’ve seen nothing. I’ve survived hard times. I have survived myself and to someone else; I have survived nothing.
I have to be mindful of this and lose my acts of comparison; otherwise, I lose to the ego-machines that only serve to keep me captive.
I want to come to grips with my position in life. I want to understand the stations I hold as well as the reasons why I’ve held them and thus; I want to know who I am and not just what I am. That is of course; and let’s see: How do I define who or what I am without the labeling or potential limitations of pronouns or pronoun trouble?
(Now, that’s a freedom all to itself.)
I don’t want to be a label anymore. I don’t want to be a blueprint of a roadmap. I want to be comfortable with being my own separate entity.
That being said, I want a road trip to nowhere and have a good bowl of soup. I want to be somewhere, like say, in the middle of the country or in some town that I’ve never heard of. And while I’m there, I want to share a meal with someone who lives in the town. I want to meet people from places that I’ve never heard of. I want to watch the sun go down in a town so small that everyone gathers just to say goodnight.
What do I want?
I want to feel love in my heart. I want to lay down the arguments and the fights between us. I want to rid the mind of the reckless ties and unimportant needs to win an argument. I want to rid us all of the topics that can be so silly; such as which way do we place a roll of toilet paper on the holder – flap under, or flap over; either way, shouldn’t we just be happy that there’s toilet paper in the bathroom?
I want a trip to Europe. (I’ve never been)
I want to retry a few plates of food that I loved so much and yet; this time, I want to improve my company so that the meal is even more enjoyable.
I tried a lobster lasagna once. It was amazing. And there was a rabbit dish that was unlike anything I’ve ever tried before. This was amazing too. The only thing that wasn’t amazing was the company I kept.
But that was then and this is now.
I’ve changed tables since then. Or better yet, I’ve learned not dine at tables where respect is not being served.
I’d like to see a sunset in Paradise, Arizona. I’d like another shot at Hawaii too. And Cali; well, California has a special place in my heart but to be honest; this kid’s from the City that never sleeps. NYC
And to be honest, I don’t sleep much either.
(Insomnia’s a bitch)
But then again, if I were to find that sense of balance or administer my best ways of self-care; maybe sleep and me could reconnect. Maybe I wouldn’t be awake in the middle of the night, thinking about my upcoming day or how the powers that be can somehow dictate the trigger to my personal insecurities.
Come to think of it; that’s it.
Do you want to know what I want?
I want to create a plane of existence where insecurities cease to exist. There are no such things as bullies. Mental illness can be cured with a good bowl of tomato soup or a plate of food. Carbs are no longer an enemy and comfort food can be comfortable again.
I want to create a plane of existence where an apology can have the ability to wipe away the sins of our yesterday; so there would be no more grudges and together, we could heal, live, love, laugh, learn, and smile.
That’s what I want.
And I don’t think it’s too much to ask.
At least, not really.
Except, the truth is none of this could ever happen if I go at it alone.
Maybe you can help me.
That is of course, if you want the same things.