We have to come to an understanding between us. Life will only be what life can only be.
Nothing will ever be more, which I say with an emphasis on the word more because we will always want, we will always need, and although there will be moments when we are satisfied, truth be told, there will be times when we did not get our way.
There are places I have seen that I never believed I would see. There are beaches I have walked along and sunrise as well as sunsets that I have witnessed. Take for example, one of my last trips to the west coast, Imperial Beach, in San Diego California.
I was up at the sunrise each day and there to watch the sun go down.
I never thought I would be here, but yet, I was there.
I never thought I would have the opportunities that came my way, but yet, I did have them, regardless to what my thoughts were.
I remember back to when I wore those great old clothes. The nightlife was something special to me. This was me, back in the day, trying to sport my outfits like I was something out of a movie.
I was searching for something and weaving through the enigmatic version I had of the city and the scene of downtown, cobblestone streets, and the Merc Bar, which is where I found myself a few times, late at night, wet streets after a summer’s rain, and there was me, looking to find something a bit more than just the average occasion.
I remember a night when I was walking down Broome Street because I decided to step away from the crowds.
I looked up at the buildings and wondered what it would be like if I lived up in one of the lofts. What would I be then? Or maybe the thought was what I could have been.
It’s not just the stigma. There is a reason why people don’t come forward and talk about their life. There’s a reason why people suffer in silence and struggle on their own, never daring to tell anyone else what they think or feel, because God forbid someone else knew. And it’s not just the social stigma. The problems run deeper than the marks of shame.
The topic in yesterday’s empowerment class was to talk about positive ways to make ourselves feel better.
The idea is to talk openly about this. Also, the idea is to talk about this honestly because the truth is everyone knows the right thing to do. Everyone knows the “Best foot forward,” answer and everyone knows what they should do, which is great however, life does not always play fairly. Life comes with unexpected twists and turns. Life has unexpected problems and fake friends. People are less than honest. Disappointment happens all the time. Life can be heartbreaking sometimes and downright cruel as well.
To be honest, I have always had a fascination for this, and you, and the idea that there is a life out there, still waiting for me, no matter what my age might be. I fascinated with the idea that I am still able to change, to dream, to be and recreate.
I have this idea of me, driving along and turning off from a long, empty state road, way up in the Upstate Mountains.
The sky is as blue as it will ever be. There are scattered formations of white summery clouds, as bright as the mind could imagine, and the sun beams down across the mountainsides.
I have heard the sound of desperateness. I have spoken on its behalf in my own terms and I have seen the lost and misplaced look in the eyes of tragic souls, hoping for something to come along and give them hope. I have had lengthy discussions about the idea of hopelessness, and, as well, I have listened as friends of mine and strangers too, looking for a reason to change their plans and regain their former life.