I have chosen this as my method. And by this, I mean my journals and my time with you. This is my way to settle the tiny disputes that whisper in my head, in which I need something more than a quick fix or a temporary system of relief. After a while, you grow tired of the brief or interim remedies. You grow tired of the plans which only placate the troubles we see. Nothing is ever solved this way, only paused or momentarily tolerable. At best, we grow tired of the short-term ideas that lose their ability to desensitize us from the sharp edges of uncomfortable surroundings.
I chose this because this has become a voice for me. These words on my screen and the thoughts in my head have agreed to come together and allow me a moment of peace. This way, the worn soldiers in my mind can rest for a while and retreat from the enemies that never existed.
I see us all as a gathering of people or possibly spirits and souls. We are a massed gathering of both coherent and incoherent minds who are caught in the inevitable path of things that will eventually come true.
We will age, live and we will see a child who grows into adulthood. We will note people who we saw for the first time. We will note people who find a partner or a lover or a friend to discover the universe together.
There will be friends and acquaintances, lovers, family and, of course, there will be the inevitable enemies, adversaries and moments of adversity.
Part of what drives my ideas is that I see the need for change. I see the need for a new dynamic in the way we treat mental illness. When I say this, I am not speaking as someone with a degree or as a healthcare professional.
No, I am speaking as a person with boots on the ground. I am saying this as someone who is working my way up from the bottom and as a means to improve my life, I am writing this to you as someone with my own scars and challenges.
I am writing this as a person with my own stressors and disorders. As well, I am writing this on a person to person level. As such, I say there’s a need to switch our focus from symptom-based programs to solution-based plans and strategies.
Here it is again. Monday morning has come and the alarm goes off again. My body is in a routine or a usual mode, so-to-speak. I can be mostly asleep and my body knows what to do, where to go, where the coffee is and how to push the magic blue button on the coffee machine. I can do nearly all of these things without much input from my surface mind.
I know where everything is. I know where I put my phone. I know where my sneakers are and where I placed my car keys so that come morning, I can start my car, to warm it up, and make my drive to work a little more comfortable.
My idea to write to you is something that comes from the heart. My aim is somewhat selfish too because I admit that this is my only voice. I admit that this is the only place where I can go and be welcomed without any struggles or doubt.
This is the place where I can be heard and not judged or worry about what comes next. Essentially, I come here to find peace; but more, I come here to make sense of the ideas that interrupt my thinking.
Then again, I suppose you already know this about me.
(Or at least I hope you do.)
Therefore, I suppose you already know that these journals of mine are necessary to me. This is more than my voice and more than a moment of sanity. This is my fix or my special dose that defends from the unpleasantness that goes on around us.
I have been writing to you about this thing I call Project Earth. This is life. Or, perhaps I should say that this is us; billions of tiny creatures in a universal experiment. There are billions of people here with us and billions of people who were here before us. And life? Well, I suppose life is relative. I suppose our structures vary. Our relation to each other varies, depending upon culture, background and geography.
For example, I used to wonder what I would have been like or dressed like had I been born one town over. Or better yet, I wonder what my life would have been like if I was born someplace other than New York or born in the generation before my own.
I wonder if I would be a totally different person if I had blonde hair or blue eyes but everything else about me was the same.
Ah, the thought machine and all of its work. . .
The idea is to find the right connection and let this click. Find the right life. Find something. Find anything. Find whatever you can but be sure to find the things that build passion. Find something to start the fire in your belly. Find it and find it now.
Find something that feeds your desire to get up and get out of bed in the morning. Find a reason to keep your flame going. Find what you love to do and be loyal to this. Find your dreams and make them happen. This is your job.
Today will be a little more personal than usual. I say this with a smile and a slight return of endearment because after all, isn’t everything personal.
Well, this one is.
I have lived a life with questions and wonders and hopes and dreams. I have lived with the fantasies of crossing over into this success that at last, I made it. Mom would be proud. The Old Man would be proud. They could see me and I could be good. I could be more than good.
Do you even know what I am talking about?
They tell you to breathe. So you do. They tell you not to worry. They’ll tell you that things will get better and you hope that they’re right. They tell you that everything will work itself out and that you just have to keep plugging (whatever that means).
Is that their best advice?
It is amazing to me. People are in the midst of so much. Pain hurts and at that moment, that’s all we feel. So, although the intention is great, it’s uncomfortable to be uncomfortable. However, my point is it’s okay to not be okay.
We live in this world that connects us to ideas and thoughts and feelings, which carry a sense of energy and direct us through our day. How we think or how we feel becomes the source of energy that gets us through the day. And here I am, with you, and off we go on this journey we call life. In a short while, both of us will be on our way. Each of us will experience life on an individual and unique platform.
In the simplest form, I introduce that today is another day on Project Earth. Once more, we are swarmed by people, places and things. We are surrounded by various ideas and different opinions. We are influenced and inspired by our social and professional circles. We have friends and loved ones, each with their own levels of importance and degrees of intimacy. Both you and I have our own intentions. We have our own intuition, suspicions, influences and agendas. You and I are part of a huge machine which is nothing more than the system of living.
This is life and, in this life, we will engage with all types of encounters. We will meet new people and compare them to old perceptions. We will undergo changes. We will grow. We will learn. We will come back to old ideas and say, “Ah, I had it right the first time.”
We will adapt and create a working narrative in our mind which has been formed by us through a series of experiences, opinions and assumptions as well as subconscious programs that exist beneath the surface level of our thinking.