I am famous for saying how today is just another day above the dirt.
And it is.
And that’s all this is for most of us. Today is just another day above the dirt.
This is always so for those of us who are alive and breathing and living to the best of our ability.
I have often told some of loved ones that today is a day closer to something. And I might not know what that “something” is and I might not get what I want.
But I know that I am a day closer to finding out.
In the meantime –
Today is a day closer to the end of summer, which I appreciate and enjoy because I love the summertime. I love the warmth of the sun. However, I am a fan of the autumn months too.
I am a fan of the transition from the heat to a seasonal cooling that somehow settles the sticky tensions of our interpersonal humidity.
I am a fan of the colors of the trees as they go through the changes from green to red and orange , or even purple to yellow. And yes, I am a fan of the way my suburban street smells like fallen leaves and fireplaces at sunset.
It is crazy to think of this and yet, it is all too obvious to say how there are billions of us here in this world. There are billions of us who are alive, at least to some degree. Everyone is living a life to the best of their ability.
I am.
You are.
Strangers and familiar people are doing the same thing too.
And we know this.
I was reading the news of a young actress who died the other day. She was beautiful too.
She was adored by everyone, and sad it was, deeply too, I read the news of someone famous who was equally caught in the realm of their own emptiness.
I see this in itself as equally sad and sad enough to prove that not even Hollywood has the power to fill empty voids or extend the beautiful features and the concept of life.
And sure enough, the afterlife is always the ongoing question.
Is there one?
Or is there no such thing?
Is there anything out there?
Or otherwise, if there is anything at all, and if there is something “out there,” then is the nature of our Lord and Savior just a needy speculation of a dream that we need to keep ourselves hopeful? Do we need this to keep ourselves good and believe in something more?
More.
I like that word.
I like the idea that less is more because I come from the land where more is never enough?
I have lived there for so long that I am unable to understand another language.
And if more is not enough then when is anything enough?
What will change?
What can answer my question or solve my equation?
Is the answer love?
Is the answer patience and tolerance?
Is there a greater good and a greater math that simplifies the additional mayhems that I have created?
Ah, Heaven.
I love your tricks and your dreams.
I love your soft versions or paradise and ongoing bliss, which is unbreakable and otherwise unstoppable, so long as we believe in you . . .
I often struggle though.
I have often questioned if there is a God and if there is, I have often wondered about the so-called grand finale and the exit from flesh.
I often wondered whether there is such a thing as Heaven.
Or is death nothing more than a final breath and the idea of an afterlife is the only way to keep our loved ones alive?
Or maybe this is the only thing we have to cling to. And, so we hold on tight with hopes that “who knows?” and maybe we will all see each other again.
It is amazing too, to look around or realize that we all have thoughts and feelings. We all have emotions. We all hurt and we all go through loss.
We all know what it’s like to try so hard and come up short
We swing to hit the ball and we miss
We all fall and we all hurt.
This is human to which I think it makes sense to humanize and normalize that fact that struggle is part of life.
We need to understand that strength and pain is part of learning and growth.
At the same time, I’d be fine to be less strong or to grow less.
I often wince from old pains that no longer exist.
I often wish the ghosts and my scars would vanish. But again, life is happening and thoughts are recurring enough to make the past a constant option.
I came across a quote from an author I never heard of before.
The author’s name is Kynna Claire to which I have to say “bravo!”
The quote is true:
“You can’t keep dancing with the devil and ask why you’re still in Hell.”
I can say that I never want to see someone I love die.
And yet, die we will and die we must because dying is very much a part of living.
Life is life
Death is death
Life is full, sad, beautiful, mournful, and amazing and constantly moving and mixing thoughts with feelings and memories, enough so that we think we have seen it all
Until we realize . . .
there’s more
The here and now is all we have and so, the here and now is all that counts.
And still, we bicker and we fight and we hurt the people we love the most.
We set ourselves up for defeat and we implode or we self-destruct.
And next, we sit at the bottom of our consequences, looking upwards to an assumption of some higher or greater power.
We search for answers in the vast and infinite versions of Heaven, which is inestimable and beyond our grasp.
We look up and we seek guidance from a God so great, so loving, forgiving, and so all knowing; and we say things like, “it is Thy will not my will be done.”
And you . . .
. . . you are the dearest of them all.
you –
the most beautiful angel known to the world and to you, my love, my heart, and my source of peace and sense that yes, redemption is here and now –
to you
I look to you as if to be the Angel of All and hope for your touch.
Just one.
Just to feel your hand on me.
Touch me now, please.
For this, I pray.
The hour is not what I believe it is.
Time is moving and the sands in the hourglass are diminishing like closing windows that only open when the springtime comes.
It is nearing the fall and soon, my part of the hemisphere will shade with colors and celebrate the falling of leaves and the temporary abandonment of the beach.
Soon enough, my side of the world will cool and soon enough another awakening will take place.
All the world mourns the loss of someone or something to which I say, it is good to know that I am not alone.
And no . . .
This is not sad nor bitter, nor is this dripping like the sap from an old tree that was otherwise believed to be dead back in August, 1989.
I swore that I lost God back then.
Or maybe this is when I found God.
Maybe I first found God while sitting in the worst of all surroundings, hoping not to die and wishing that I didn’t have to live.
I know that I was told it is only by dying that one is awakened to eternal life.
Maybe this is why we die so many times while still alive.
I say this because yes, there is more.
There is more to see and more to do.
There are more things for us to share and more times that we need to dance beneath the stars and walk along the streets in the sunlight.
Jump up and down, I say.
For this is nothing more than an honest celebration that whether I am to be survived in an afterlife or not, or whether our lives are nothing more than simple things to be extinguished –
Nothing can take away the love I have carved into the flesh of the world.
Nothing can erase the name in my heart, the breath in my lungs, or the words from my soul. Therefore, no matter how many times I die; I will never be lifeless.
I know that I will never die.
not anymore . . .
And if it is up to me, no one I love will ever die.
And you?
You of all people . . .
You should know that no one in this world is more beautiful.
Is there Heaven?
Is there a God?
I don’t know the answer to these things.
But I do know about the one and only Angel in this world,
which is you
And I know this is so
At least. . .
To me
The Written Addiction 