Everything Fell Where They May

I used to write down my thoughts about an old tree that stood across the street from my home. 
This was years ago and back in another life that seems like it is ifetimes away.
There was an old tree across from my home. This was not a big tree and nor was this anything special to look at.
But the tree was special to me.
I would see the tree each morning when I would head to work, and then I would see the tree at night when I returned home

Home. I love that word yet, the terms and location and my emotion behind the word has changed countless times since then.
I have had different homes since then. I have seen ups and downs since that time and in fairness, I used to see that old tree as a friend.

My home at the time was small and humble, clean, and yet there was not much to the house itself. But yes, these were better times.
These were poor, beautiful and humble times and I was fine to live without the burdens of wealthy struggles that trigger the ego to inaccurate beliefs of keeping up with others.
I stopped keeping up. I had nothing left anyway and so, there was no reason for me to try and act rich when I was obviously not.
I did not bother with the comparisons of the grass being greener in other yards.

I have love for those times and still, I hold them in a special regard with respects to a life before it shook apart.
I was sad and angry and out of place, if that makes sense. Or at best, I always believed that I was meant to be something else.  Something was missing.
Maybe it was the fact that I was never loyal to my truths.
I was partly lost, partly ruined, partly failed and partly bankrupt.
All of this was true.
Yet, there was a special decency to the time and to the idea of me giving up in the stupid competitions.
I was fine to lose.
So be it.
I surrendered in a sense and believed that this was the best I could be.  I was fine to be stuck and fine to realize that at the time, things were as good as they could be.

I lost too much to think about getting anything back. I failed the people in my life. I failed myself. And I gave up and yet, I knew that somehow, deep down; I knew there was love for me.

My heart was as best as it could be, though I never dared to be truthful with my thoughts or my dreams. Still, I was okay to be okay and nothing more, nothing less.

My job was my job and that was it. And, as I saw it at the time; so be it.
There was no sense of real achievement.
No sense of identity and no feeling of high or low because there was no grand appreciation for my work. No one cared.
No one shared anything worthy or decent about themselves in the workplace.
I was a number, just like a part in a machine, and I was equally replacable.
I was given work tickets with job descriptions and orders to fill. I was paid to fix and repair equipment. That was all. 
No mountains to climb.
No goals to reach.
Just quotas.

I had the benefits of a union and while there were great opportunities around me, I failed when it came to dare.
But more, I was there to work and that was it.
I went to work for a paycheck. Plain and simple. 

My thoughts often wandered and thought about the choices I made.
What would have happened if I went left instead of right?
What if I never settled and married my first wife?
What if she and I both knew that neither of us wanted each other and what if I went where my heart told me to?

What would have happened if I had followed my heart instead of my fears?
Or better yet, what would my life have been like had I held out and refused to compromise instead of settling for less and giving in for a less or weaker trade?

I never wanted to see myself like this.
I had chances and opportunities.
I had moments when the greatest things of all times opened up and presented themselves to me. And I?
In the mix of fear and anxiety and doubtful emotions; I failed to let myself cross the threshold and walk through the door of my dreams.
I doubted everyone and everything.
Uncluding myself.

I was beaten in ways, and regardless of the losses; I can say that I remained starry and dreamy-eyed, and hopeful.
I knew there was better out there for me. And yet, I was humbled and beaten and fresh from an exceptional loss.

I used to see the old tree that stood across the street from my house. The tree was half alive, half dead.
Most of the neighbors regarded the tree as unsightly. However, due to laws in the town, the tree was more than party alive and therefore, the tree could not be taken down by the town or anyone else because the tree stood next to the road, which was the town’s property.

The Old Tree . . .
I loved that old tee.
I loved the lessons I learned.
People would pass the tree and say how it was ugly and how the tree needed to be cut down.
Storms hit the neighborhood and younger trees that were more precious, beautiful and more appreciated would fall from the high winds.
But not the old tree.
The old tree stood.

I related to this.
I related to the words and the insults.
I know what it feels like to be called ugly or worthless or meaningless and yes, I know what it feels like to be told “you should do the world a favor, and just die already.”
I know how it is to be told this by people. And worse, I know what it feels like to be told this by someone I loved.

The tree heard these things and the tree never failed, never fell, and never took to the insults or held them personally.

In the book, “All I Need to Know I Learned In Kindergarten, Robert Fulghum wrote, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will break my heart.”

I agree, sir.
You hit the nail on the head with that one.

I had seen battles and wars. I had seen death, up close and personal. I saw what happens when a bullet goes through flesh. I had seen unthinkable things and I had been to both the best and worst parts of my city.

There were times when I unfortunately catered to a dangerous lifestyle. And of course, I did my best to pass myself off as a tough guy.
But no.
I am not tough.
I have never been tough and as time shows me, again and again, I will never be tough. 

The tree is a voiceless, living thing.
So?
How do we know if the tree hears people say bad things to it?
I have seen research of trees and plant life that were spoken kindly to as opposed to trees and plants that were insulted and spoken to with cruelty. 

I don’t know much about these things. I don’t know much about science. But I do understand the spirit of living things and the frailty of life when life goes unloved. 
Fulghum also wrote about the Solomon Islanders who knock down trees without axes, just by yelling at the trees for weeks.
The yelling breaks the spirit of the tree and so, they fall down.
I can relate to that too

The old tree . . .
No matter what . . .
He never fell.

I moved away, somewhere around the year 2015.
Two weeks later . . .
The town came
And they took down my tree. 

That hurt me.

I have always wondered who I am supposed to be.
I settled too often and yes, I felt love and yes, I tried and I dared and yes, there was always something amiss.
Whether it was money problems or health problems or some extenuating circumstance that plagued or hurt me, I never fell, but part of me failed to live.
Just like the old tree,. 

I am not stoic nor so impenetrable and nor am I so deaf to the insults or the hurtful things I hear or see.

The old tree taught me some great lessons though.
Stand, no matter what people say or how it hurts.
A time will come when people realize they cannot pass their own tests and they fail themselves because their life is fake and built on lies. Hence, this is why people love to point fingers and accuse or assign blame to the rest of the world.
This beats being honest and looking within?

I do not want to be ugly.
I don’t want to worry about the people who’d rather I be gone or dead and buried.
I was told to do the world a favor . . .
I was told the world would be better off without me.
Or, maybe I am better off without these people in my life.
That could be so too.
No?


Are there people in my life who love me?
Yes.
Am I comfortable where I am?
No.
Do I know what I want?
Yes.
Do I have it.
No.

Am I happy?
Am I comfortable?
I don’t know how to answer that

Will I ever be?
I hope so
One day
So, for now, all I can do is the next best thing and let the chips fall where they may.