A New Year’s Thought

It was a year later and The Old Man was gone. Mom decided to take us all on a trip to Beaver Creek, Colorado for ten days. This was before Dave and Lisa were married.
I was only home for a few months. I was back from the farm in late September and still re-acclimating to the regular world. There rules from the farm were a thing of the past. I was free to listen to music or go out or eat whenever I chose. I was free to do several things; however, I was still adjusting to the change in my surrounding.

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Time to Change

On the way in, I never knew what to expect. Each trip was different and nothing was ever guaranteed. But this was part of the ritual. This was part of the rush and part of getting high. There was the act itself and then there was the ritual that goes along with it. This is the romantic part everyone relates to, which is the crazy because the romance is not only poisonous —it’s also contagious.

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From The Daddy Diaries: 29 Years

Every so often, I go on a website that calculates days between then and now. For example, the other day, I was trying to figure out how many times I’ve experienced the sunrise in my life. The answer today would be 16,901. This means I’ve been around for that many mornings. That’s 2414 weeks and 3 days, or 46 years, 3 months, and 9 days to be exact, which is strange because the numbers seem odd to me.

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The dream takes place in one of my previous homes.  It is early morning and at the birth of sunrise. I am standing at the front door on stoop of my old home at a place called Rowehl Drive.
Looking across from me is an old tree that stands in the section of grass that runs between the street and the sidewalk.
The tree is old, mainly empty of leaves, and partially dead but partially alive as well.
I used to see this old tree on a daily basis. I admired the tree. I depended upon it to be there, to stand there, and to remain there regardless to people and their opinions, and to endure there, regardless to the storms that came our way.

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The Thought Problem

The problem isn’t the thought; the problem comes when thinking overwhelms the mind. Suddenly, the outside influences penetrate the mind. They seep in and infect the system. Next the defense mechanisms kick in. The  fear takes hold and the survival machine moves into position.
The problem is not the thought. The problem is the outside has seeped inside. The problem is the uncontrollable sources of people places and things have taken hold. The problem is the uncontrollable has become in control and then the mind loses control.

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A letter

Dear Mr. Moonlight,

I know you don’t know me very well, but I needed to at least try and get this message to you.
Somewhere, way up beyond your stars and past all the planets and all the galaxies is a place where I think about.
I dream of this place. It is someplace where all my lost toys are found. This is where my first dog lives.
Her name was Tammy. She died when I was only 7. Somewhere up there is a farm where my dog Sheba runs around. She was a big black lab. She plays in the field because she has so much room to run around and be free. I know this because when I was a little boy, Mom told me this is where Sheba went after she couldn’t live with us anymore.

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Christmas Eve Morning 2018

There used to be a graffiti sprayed on a construction partition over on 46th Street near Madison Avenue that said, “This moment is more precious than you think.” I used to see this when I would drive in on Saturday mornings, earlier than the sunrise, and I always noticed the words which hit home.

I swear we take too much for granted. Take this day for example. Today is Christmas Eve. Today marks the evening of a great day. This is a day of giving. This is a day of family. This is a time when all are gathered together and trust me; this moment is more precious than you think.

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An Explanation of The Process

There is a very real and very tough thing that happens when we think too much. Suddenly, the world closes in and everyone can see or “Everyone knows,” those inner secrets, everyone can see the pains, which are only apparent to us, and the weakness is obvious, the thoughts are like poison, or more like cancerous, and then the anxiety machine in our head spins into overdrive.

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I remember that early morning when I stepped out onto the lawn of a main house on a farm where I lived for a 11-months. I had just completed my time in treatment and was about to return to the world.
It was the month of September and the sky was as blue as I could possibly imagine.The trees in the mountains around me were changing color, which made the mountains colorful, like weaving hills that ranged from shades of orange to yellow and red.
All of my past was behind me. I had friends in my life. I had love in my life.
Most of all, I had my family back in my life. I had pride and I had purpose in my heart. I looked around at the farm. I looked at the big red barn where I had spent countless hours, working hard, and learning what it means to actually work for a living. I looked up at the sky and watched the outstretched wings of a hawks, turning in big circles, hovering and flying high in the heavens above me. I looked at the hills behind the main house and thought about the memories I will have from this place. I looked at the dorms and I looked at the view, which I grew to depend on because the view was always there for me. In the toughest times and hardest of losses losses, I underwent change and felt the aches of my growing pains.

I looked around to see this place that I originally saw as a place of regret punishment. And I saw myself there. I had survived. I had grown. I had overcome certain demons that I never dared to talk about and more; I looked around and felt the success of my achievement.I rebuilt myself from the ground up. Although I had help and although there were others around to push me when I wanted to be still, I looked around and saw my accomplishment,I was 18 years-old at the time. I looked around and I thought to myself: This is my best accomplishment.I remember the time when I went backwards and fell back into my old routines. I found myself in bad places doing bad things. And it was true that my blood was clean from any substances. But I was not living a clean life. I was tainted in some way. I had given in to the inaccuracies in my head. I found myself wrapped up in my insecurities. I was lost in my own thoughts and once again, I volunteered to become a victim to the disorders that nearly ruined my life.I remember going backwards and hearing someone tell me, “Sometimes you have to go backwards in order to go forward.”
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Dear Pop

Just about an hour or so before sunrise and the rainfall has not let up. Safe to say that I am only on an hour of sleep. It is also safe to say that with the hour being what it is, it doesn’t look like I will sleep at all. But such is life, I guess.
The days are moving closer now and soon enough, the day will be here. Christmas Day. And now is the time for the last minute dashes to the stores. The lines are long and the shopping is certainly intense.

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