The morning was like a brief interlude after a night out with friends. As usual, I was up early because I’ve always had trouble sleeping on floors. Let alone, I never slept much anyway, least of all, as late as the rest of my friends who were sleeping it off the night before. No one else was awake in the small apartment, except for Pete. We were both sleeping on the floor because Steve already took the couch and the beds were all taken. Besides, this was not our apartment.Continue reading
I have an idea. Then again, let’s just call it that. It’s an idea and yet, the details to me are unrealistic at best. But either way, the idea is real and a bit more than one-dimensional.
I have been watching videos of flying lessons. To be clear, I’m not afraid to fly. At least not when I’m sitting in a seat on a flight out of places like JFK or LaGuardia or maybe even Newark, which is not a bad place as far as airports go.
It’s not a bad feeling to be in first class or business class when they pass by with a hot towel and pre-flight beverage of your choice.
The one thing I know and that I’ve known for a while is that we often grip the details of our past. Whether this is regret or pain or sins from an old self; or whether this is the inability to get away from old thinking or old responses, I know what this is like. I know exactly who the past is. I know them well. In fact, sometimes I call this me. Sometimes I call this a mixture of who I was and who I want to be. Other times, I shake my head and asking the ever-popular question, “What the hell was I thinking?”
Why did I trust this person? Or, what did I say anything at all.
I could have kept my mouth shut. You know?
I know what it means to say something out of anger. I also know what it means to make a poor choice or wish I could take back something I said. Then again, I am sure that everyone knows what this is like. I’m sure there are people who’ve lied or said a mean thing; and now; to add color, they find themselves on the fringe of regret.
I get it. It’s the stressors in life. It’s the little crazy details that keep us thinking. Or better yet, this is what keeps us awake. Am I right?
One thought leads to two and then two to four, four to sixteen and then sixteen to oblivion.
Next thing we know; there we are, lying in bed with a mind filled with various thoughts, overthinking life and over-complicating the factors we face; as if we have to fix it; as if we are responsible for fixing the national debt, solving unemployment, curing cancer, stopping pain and suffering, and having conversations in our head when in fact, we should really be asleep.
It all starts from a trickle, like a droplet from a faucet. It’s an idea that begins at the size of a grain of sand. And then it grows. It’s a thought based condition. The droplet becomes an open flood-gate. It’s an idea that grows and takes shape.
Thoughts take form in the mind and then suddenly, we create a scenario in the mind, which is complete with a fully imaginative video – almost like a movie, like a psychological tragedy which is complete with all the characters in our life and leads a plot that is unfortunate or tragic.
We create a concept in our mind that hits all the triggers and hits every alarm in our anxiety system. Next, we’ve thought ourselves into “Red-Alert” status.
Each day you are tasked with an option. To do or not, to be, or to stand or retreat; these are all options the same as it is an option to succeed or to fail. All of this is a position of the mind and a relation to our thinking. We are either the outcome of our assumptions or we can be the product of our efforts. This is something that has challenged me throughout my life. In conjunction with the stories I’ve learned from people who struggled to believe in themselves, I came to the conclusion that the biggest challenge is the direction of our thinking.Continue reading
I don’t know if it’s the same for kids today. Is it?
Do they want to be firefighters or astronauts anymore? I suppose my question is do they pretend the way we used to?
It is currently snowing in my part of the hemisphere. As I write this to you, the sky is in the early stages of daybreak. There are large snowflakes falling on the ground. The snow is not heavy by any means. However, the accumulation is only enough to cover the ground. There’s a a trace of white that has perched on the limbs of trees. The evergreens are the only semblance of color. Otherwise, there is a certain grayness to the day, which is almost black and white.
What do I want?
I want the simple things. I want to run but not away. I want to grow my hair out without being judged. I want to go on a trip and be happy to come home. Does this make sense to you?
I want to be comfortable with my own company or walk away without the idea of being alone.
Do you want to know what do I want?
I want the perfect sense of homeostasis. I want balance. I want to reach my best level of awareness so that I can achieve my best level of understanding. This way, I am not hinged upon my outside sources but more, I am fine with what I have. I am balanced. I am at peace. I am at one with myself and with those who are around me. While nearly all of the world is beyond my control, I am at a place where my level of understanding does not allow me to personalize anything that does not belong to me.
There will always be someone out there who loves to put people down. I have met them. I have seen them in action. I have heard them turn the machines and work the gossip mills and the rumor factories. I have been put through the ringer more times than I can count. I have encountered bullies. I’ve had times when I stood up for myself and there were times when I simply walked away. However, the one attachment I recognize most is my level of importance and my association of value with bullies and what they say.Continue reading
So, what is it?
What is it that makes you get out of bed in the morning? What gives you the drive to keep going and what helps you get up even when you think that you can’t stand?
What is it?
See, I’ve been thinking about this. I’ve been thinking about this thing we call drive and the way it somehow pushes me, even when I want to quit. I might scream and I might complain or bellyache but in the end, I get up and I go. I do this everyday.