What do I want?
I want the simple things. I want to run but not away. I want to grow my hair out without being judged. I want to go on a trip and be happy to come home. Does this make sense to you?
I want to be comfortable with my own company or walk away without the idea of being alone.
Do you want to know what do I want?
I want the perfect sense of homeostasis. I want balance. I want to reach my best level of awareness so that I can achieve my best level of understanding. This way, I am not hinged upon my outside sources but more, I am fine with what I have. I am balanced. I am at peace. I am at one with myself and with those who are around me. While nearly all of the world is beyond my control, I am at a place where my level of understanding does not allow me to personalize anything that does not belong to me.
I want to be free of my own bondage. I want to get rid of the barriers and blockages that have kept me stuck. I want to feel the music and hear the lyrics. I want to dance without the worry that my steps look awkward; but more, I want to sing out loud and not be afraid to hear the sound of my voice.
I have seen so many things in my life. I have been through wars. I have seen moments of peace. I have experienced the quiet before the storm yet, I’ve seen nothing.
I’ve survived hard times. I have survived myself and to someone else, I have survived nothing. I need to be mindful of this; otherwise, I trigger the ego-machine that only serves to keep me captive.
I want to come to grips with my position in life. I want to understand the stations I hold as well as the reasons why I’ve held them. Thus, I want to know who I am and not just what I am.
Let’s see: How do I define who or what I am without the labeling or potential limitations of pronouns or pronoun trouble? What if I just decided to be me and said, “Hell with it all,” to the rest?
I don’t want to be a label anymore. I don’t want to be a blueprint or a roadmap. I want to be comfortable with being my own separate entity.
That being said, I want a road trip to nowhere. I am on a hunt in this world. I want to find a good bowl of soup at some unknown spot.
I want to be somewhere, like say, in the middle of the country. I want to share a meal with someone who lives there. I want to meet people from places I’ve never heard of. Or wait, no. I want to watch the sun go down in a town so small that everyone gathers just to say goodnight.
I want love in my heart. I want to lay down the arguments between us. I want to rid the mind of the useless thoughts and unimportant fights. Seriously . . .
I have watched people fight over topics so silly such as which way to place a roll of toilet paper on the holder – flap under, or flap over. Shouldn’t we just be happy there’s toilet paper in the bathroom?
Could you imagine?
I want a trip to Europe. (I’ve never been.)
I want to retry a few plates of food that I loved so much; yet, this time, I want to improve my company to make it more enjoyable.
I tried lobster lasagna once. This was amazing.
There was a rabbit dish too, which was unlike anything I’ve ever tasted. The only thing that wasn’t amazing was the company. But that was then and this is now. I’ve changed tables since then. Or better yet, I no longer dine at tables where respect is not served.
I’d like to see a sunset in Paradise. I’d like another shot at Hawaii.
And Cali, well, California has a special place in my heart but the truth is; this kid’s from the City that never sleeps.
To be honest, I don’t sleep much either.
(Insomnia’s a bitch)
Then again, if I found that sense of balance or administered my best methods of self-care, maybe sleep and me could reconnect. Maybe I wouldn’t be awake in the middle of the night thinking about my upcoming day or how the powers that be look to pull the triggers to my personal insecurities.
That’s what I want.
I want to create a plane of existence where insecurities cease to exist. There are no such things as bullies. Mental illness can be cured with a good plate of food. Carbs are no longer the enemy and comfort food can be comfortable again.
I want to create a plane of existence where an apology has the ability to wipe away our sins. And there would be no more grudges. Together, we could heal, live, love, laugh, learn and smile.
That’s what I want.
I don’t think it’s too much to ask.
But this could never happen if I go at it alone.
Maybe you can help me.
That is of course, if you want the same things.