I am amazed . . .
And more, it amazes me to see how everything changes|
despite how everything is still the same..
I drove by the old house this morning.
Nothing is the same and yet,
not much had changed, except for me
and except for the landscapes.
The old bar is a deli now.
I used to hide in the back of that place
and sneak into the cellar.
Sometimes I slept there.
Mostly, I nearly died there
but somehow, here I am,
alive and well and able to tell you about this.
There are so many things about my past
which had projected and predetermined my future.
And what?
I know I was told . . .
I was told that the future is not set.
I was told that I can make something out of the moment
and that if I do this,
tomorrow will come with hope and yesterday
will be something I can look back on
and realize how pivotal our life can be.
I go to that deli to remind myself
of where I used to be,
which I am far away from now
because I am far from the junk sickness
or the details of my young life.
no0 one can bully me now.
at least,
no one can bully me
except for me.
No one an touch me
or hurt me
or molest my innocence
and lead me to believe that this was me
and that somehow “I deserved this,”
or that “I asked for this,”
when the truth is|
I never asked for any of this!
I will say that I am not a victim
and nor am I a volunteer.
I am not a victim of circumstance. And yet,
due to circumstances that were beyond my control,
I fell victim to things that were out of my hands.
I see you
I see myself
I see the world we live in
and I see the hypocrisy
and the nonsense we put up with.
But more, I see the leftovers and the damages
and now that I can see clearly;
I find myself in contempt
and with a taste of disgust on my tongue.
What is worse?
Is it to be hit and hurt and bruised?
Is that the worst part?
Or is the worst part the memory?
Is the worst part when the ideas come
and is it worse when the thoughts
of being betrayed hit you in the face?
Or is the foolish feeling that we were just another sucker
the worst of all?
Worse than the instance and the crime is the aftermath
because worse than being bullied
are the tensions which are left behind.
These are the unresolved words and the meaningless insults
that we invested in
to make them more worthy
than our own spirit
Worse are the words that burrow
and the memories that linger
and never go away.
These are the things that are deeper than the wound
and this is the infection that is worse than the hit
and this is worse than the actions
that leave bruises on the skin.
These are the things that never seem to go away.
No, they remain no differently than the fact
that we were hurt and betrayed.
What a sucker I was . . .
These are the emotional abrasions that never heal to the touch
and so, we never feel better
because to us, the pain never fades.
Just . . .
. . . please
Love me!
Worse than it is to hurt someone
is to trigger their insecurities.
Worse than it is to make them question you or what you have done
is to poison their thinking
and to make them question themselves.
Worse is to trick someone into believing that this is their fault.
And worse than it is to be a narcissist
is to leave your narcissism ingrained
in someone’s belief system.
This is the worst of all crimes.
These are the remnants of what you’ve done to someone,
which lead them to a sad or self-destructive esteem.
And sometimes, this triggers their Stockholm syndrome
so that nevertheless, the prisoner falls in love with captor and thus;
the prisoner becomes dependent on the predator
and never dares to leave because as they see it,
who else would love them?
Who else would have them now?
Ad the worst part6 is
the world loves them more than ayone
and you?
You being the jealous and insure bully;
you did all you could to rip them to shreads
and tear them apart.
Worse than in is to hurt someone is to leave them
with the belief that they deserved this.
And worse than this is make someone believe
that no one else could love or want them
and so without you, they would have nothing,
despite the fact that they have nothing already
so long as you are there.
Who are they after you’ve destroyed their soul?
And who is anyone after being so broken?
Who is anyone now that no one can love them
(because of you)
and who is anyone now that no one can fix or heal them?
No one can help them, including themselves.
No one can re-piece their heart back together
and show them their truth
because of you
No one can show them how amazing they are
and no one can help them believe that they can be whole again
because how can anyone be whole
and be alone at the same time?
This is the trick that the narcissist pulls
The worst crime of all crimes is to lead someone to believe
that they are not enough.
The worst thing you can do to someone
is have them believe that otherwise
they are ugly without you and unlovable
to anyone else in this world.
Worse is to make them think that every pain,
every scar, and every insult
was nothing more than deserved and therefore,
deservedly so, your crime is the reason
they can never be loved.
The scars you left behind and the cuts you left
were deep enough and this dug into their soul.
You abused them enough to believe that there is no such thing
as the peace of a so-called soulmate.
Your theft of life and your theft of services
are unthinkable and unforgivable.
Worse than it is to abuse someone
is to map their thinking with your insults
and trick them into believing that “this is them,”
and that “it’s all true,” when in fact,
this was YOU.
You are the sick one.
You are the liar.
It was you the whole time.
This was you, the whole way, and it was YOU
who stained someone’s purity
and tainted their truth.
And so, now, worse than it is to pay for your crime
is to have to endure the rest of your life, alone,
and realize that the greatest person in the world loved you
but now
nobody loves you
not even you
You wasted their love because like any other bully or abuser,
YOU are the coward and YOU are the liar.
You are the narcissist and you are the one undeserving of love
and now, ha . . . You are alone and they?
They are the one who was rescued by someone else.
This gives you hell.
And sure, you’d have called their new person weak
or you’d have put them down.
You’d have tried top convince the world that your competition
was merely half-a-person and yet
they are whole.
They are the ones who landed the best of all loves
and thus; the one you miss the most
is finally repaired and free to realize
it was you who hurt them
and finally, they see it was them who held themselves captive.
All your strength is gone now.
You were so powerful
But not anymore
They are free now
They are whole and happy and in love.
And what about you?
Are you still lying to everyone?
Are you still living a double life?
Worse than it is to realize that you’ve wasted your life
is to find out this was you, the whole time, a fake and weak imposter
that never had the stones to stand on your own
and be true to the one and only person
you’ll ever really love.
And therefore, worse than the loneliness
is the awareness that you were never enough to begin with|
and someone else has her now.
This gives you Hell too
Bullies are never brave
And bravery is far more than being tough
And we know this now
because the bravest thing of all is to learn how to be gentle.
It is brave to know how to touch and be vulnerable to the one person
who is and will always be more than anyone else
Your biggest crime is making people believe
that they were never enough
Your punishment is there with you.
See?
You are alone and sitting within your four lonely walls, and there you are,
sitting in your empty life.
You are in your empty bed,
and sleeping alone with your empty and vacant soul.
Just remember
Hell comes for everyone
No matter how you hide and no matter how you pretend
or how you act that none of this was you;
the Devil knows you well enough to read between the lines.
And now, all that’s left is this –
Them with their happiness
And you and your narcissism, alone,
and looking in the mirror regretting your life
and wishing for another chance.
Too bad the hour was too late in the game
and now
it’s all over.
Forever ~
The Written Addiction 