You think you have a choice, but no.
You don’t.
Who you are is who you are and of course,
there are reasons behind this
same as there is a reason behind “us.”
And so,
such is the way you are, such is the way you were born
and more, such are the reasons you exist in this world.
There is a reason for everything
I know –
I do not say change is unavoidable
and nor is change avoidable
but man can only hit his head
so many times
until he learns his lesson.
Late or not.
Lessons come with a price
and prices often come as consequences
Nothing is so left up to cause
or happenstance or so random.
There is a reason why you and I both exist.
There is a reason why I think and feel the way I do
and too,
there is a reason why we are always so undeniable.
I was thinking about the matters of time
and how one day can drag
and an hour can be a lifetime.
I was thinking about how a second can last forever,
especially when pain hits the heart
or when fear takes over.
Time flies.
Right?
There is the matter of time, which is our time
and our era and then
there is the way our generation was
as opposed to the generation that is now.
Our experience is the great takeaway
because whether we grew up with today’s advancements
or if we grew up during the time
when we wondered about the future
which we called ”the new millennium,”
at least I can say that we lived
before technology took away our imagination.
I saw our City before the Towers fell and yes,
I still remember the way “we were” beach then.
And like the Great God, Almighty,
there are the ultimate lessons, the ultimate sins,
and then there are the reason and the ultimate purpose
which is why we exists.
No, I do not believe in the accidental introductions
and no, I do not believe that love can lose hold
and no, I refuse to believe that our paths
were just a temporary crossing, because, in fact;
I believe our back and forth introductions
were cosmic and intended
which is why the past resurfaced and hence;
I saw you for a reason.
I do not have a choice to be anyone but who I am,
which is not always easy.
I know me well enough to know all about my dysfunctions.
I know me well enough to understand my flaws
and how my fears and my habitual assumptions
stem from biased ideas
that act as a reaction to past traumas
or memories and bouts with abuse.
But I am as I am, faults and all
and to say that I do not have a right to stand
or to live
or to say what I say is not a right
or to say that I do not deserve to live}
is not a right that I am willing to forget.
And so, to say I have a choice in who I am
or who I’m supposed to be is inaccurate
because my map has already been carved the scrolls of time.
And the same as I carved my path
or the same as I once carved my initials in a tree
or in a bench at Eisenhower Park,
and the same as I initialed a bathroom wall in a school;
I equally initialed this world.
I hope that the moments behind me opened my eyes enough
to let me learn that now is the time
for me to come to my own rescue.
Now is the time for realization because my blindness
kept me in the dark
even while asking in the sunlight.
So, therefore fate is fate,
destiny is destiny
and me?
I am here, regardless to whether
I am wanted in return
or received
or respected.
I see the rainbows. I see the rain.
I see the mornings when the sun decides to wake
and I see the nightfall when the sun goes down
and the moon decides to rise in its fullest,
most beautiful, and roundest appeal.
The Moon . . .
Beautiful . . .
Who could argue?
I have no control when the moon will show
or whether there will be a red sky at night
or in the morning.
I have no control over the fact that this
may or may not reach with its intention
and simply this; I am who I am,
as God made me or as I made myself;
either way, I am this.
Me.
I am not young. I was not born into this generation’s
understanding of today’s technology.
I was born to live through certain things
and destined to meet special people at certain times.
I was meant to see what I have seen. And yes,
some of what I have seen
has changed my world for the better.
But equally, some of my introductions
and some of the who I have met
devastated my world
ad left me crumbled.
In either case, I was born, grown,
and raised to endure and therefore,
to say I will love someone else
or to say that I will be someone else
is not something that conforms with who I am.
I am who I am
which is why I all myself “ME!”
To say that I will walk away
or give up my forever is nothing short of an impossibility
because in the beginning, it is written,
“those who will lie down and those who will rise up.”
I do not know where I will be in that plan,
or whether I will lie down
or rise up.
The only thing I am is the only thing I could ever be . . .
And that’s me.
I remember when we were young
and the idea of one full year seemed like an eternity.
And here we are now. Aged. Older.
Still growing and looking backwards . . .
I see how days, weeks, months and even years
peel from the calendar.
My hourglass is not what it used to be
and neither is yours.
I have waited for so much and for so long
and finally; this came to a point.
I wondered –
how much longer will I wait for my life to come true?
I will wait and work and move
and I will go, be, and do until my last and final breath.
And even then; even in the afterlife,
and even once I am gone;
I know my love is more than life itself.
I know that I am who I am.
I know about my scars and I know about the invisible ones,
which are only seen by those who hurt me most.
And still, I stand. I get up.
I walk and I go.
Will I wait another day?
Of course.
Will my dreams be fulfilled?
I don’t know because my story
has not unfolded. At least not completely
not yet.
My name has been carved and etched into the scrolls
of our history. And so,
the obvious question is will there be a future?
I don’t know
But I do imagine
I do dream
And as far as this goes;
I know that I will never die.
I will never stop or cease
and same as I am inscribed in the Book of Life,
so are you.
So are we.
We . . .
I like that word
and for now; this is what I hold on to
Us
We
You and I
Me and you
As it was in the beginning
Is now
And will be forever
At least,
I hope so
For life
Or longer
there will never be an ending
so long
as I believe
And do I believe, you ask?
My answer to you is this
yes
all I have to do|
is just imagine . . .
The Written Addiction 