Who knows where it all came from or why? Who knows if we were just kids looking to fit in or if our need to belong outweighed our need to be decent to one another. The truth is I believe that regardless of our age and no matter where we are in life, deep down, we are all just kids trying to find our place in the sand box.
Inside of me is that kid that never wanted to be picked on because I didn’t understand. I didn’t want to be pointed at because I stuttered when I read out loud. In fact, I could read a page, a paragraph, and even a sentence and yet, I had no idea what I read.
This is why this little piece of me right here and my writings, my thoughts and my journals are huge victories for me because keep in mind, to be able to write this and let the universe take it wherever it may go is a victory for me. This disproves all the crazy myths about me in my head and only goes to show that no, I was never stupid.
They say springtime is coming in less than one month. This means our half of the northern hemisphere will tilt closer towards the sun. This means more daylight and an earlier sunrise. This means warmer weather too, which means summer will be here before we know it.
As for now, I am writing to you with no agenda in mind. In fact, I am watching the orange hue build from the horizon in the east. There is a white line in the sky, which is the sign of a jet plane, flown over my home at a place I call Wesley Hills. I am on the verge of something here. And so are you, for that matter. We all are.
There was a great chapter in a book I read back when The Old Man was passing away. The book was something I picked up from The Old Man’s bedside at the hospital. He was reading this before his heart took a turn for the worst. I remember this book, which I’ve read again, a few times since. I remember him too, The Old Man, I mean.
There is something so strange about understanding the end and the finality of life. I cannot quite explain this any other way than this: Death is so final. And yet, there was something more to this moment. I had “A time,” is all I can say. I had a time with my Father before he passed. I had a moment, in which we shared a few thoughts and ideas.
Of course there was sadness. But there were victories here as well. We had the chance to say things we never said before. More importantly, I had the chance to hear something I had seldom heard before.
It is hard to believe that it has been nearly a year since all of this madness began. I remember about a year ago, at this time. There was talk about a virus coming and people were getting sick. No one ever expected it to reach this proportion. No one ever dreamed that Covid would become what it became. Certainly, no one ever thought New York City would cancel the march of all marches and shut down the St. Patrick’s Parade. And this year too. It seems the luck of the Irish might not be as lucky this year.
In fact, I can remember sitting in a meeting about this. We thought we would all be fine. We never expected anything to be this way. Even when there were talks about shutting the City, the shutdown was only supposed to last for two weeks.
I have a question, which I think is interesting. What makes anyone different? Or better yet, what makes anyone stand out?
What differentiates you between me, or me between a financial wizard? There are people in life that exist in all different categories. And yet, there are people that stand out among them all as successful. They are in the news. They are creators. They are innovators and somehow, they rise above the rest of the world to become newsworthy — but what makes them so special?
I am going to begin here at this line, which I call the start of my day. The sunrise is climbing higher now. The sun does not carry much warmth this morning and the snow on the ground is pretty to say the least. I am going to start here, at the beginning of my day with hopes to unchain myself from the process of thought.
I say this because this is very important. I say this because our thinking is impactful and can either be our source of empowerment or a tragic downfall, depending upon our angle. And here we are again.
We are trapped in a sense, but yet free, or either or. We are able and capable or yet, internally, we are not free at all if we find ourselves locked up or stuck in a crazy mind set. We are not free if we overthink or over analyze. Instead, we are held here in our personal purgatory; unable to move onwards and afraid to be left back.
Make no mistake about this. . .
No one will ever see your goals the way you see them. No one will ever have your dreams and no one will ever have the same drive. No one can ever duplicate anything you’ve created. Believe me on this one.
Even if something is built similarly, no matter what level the creation might be, still, no one can ever build anything that you have created. No one can do this because of one simple fact. You built this!
This is yours. You created this. No matter what you’ve built, it was built by you and as such, no one can ever recreate this.
See this? This is my therapy.
These are my dreams and this is my way to close my eyes and see something other than, say, the homeless man dangling on Lexington with a dirty paper cup, asking for change at 5:30 in the morning.
This is my weight to balance the off-balance moments, like now, when the stress comes. I need to do this. I have to or else . . .
Or else I give in or worse, or else I explode in a sense and jump down the throats of the people I love the most. And put simply, they do not deserve it. No one does. So I defend them (and myself) by playing a game called visualization.
Something we seldom realize is the word never is a really long time. So is always and certainly, so is forever. So are the ideas we think, which we assume will last forever, like say, the heartbreak we feel during our first crush. Or think about the moments of humiliation. Think about the times we were hurt or embarrassed to the point we never thought we would get over it and we promised ourselves, “I am never going through that again.”
I am sure there are countless times we have all said, “I’m never going to do that again!” and yet, mysteriously, never only seems to last a few days.
I was thinking about a few of my challenges last night. I was thinking about the differences between people. After a while, I started to think about the hurdles we jump and the obstacles we have to overcome. Each day, we have to navigate through this maze we call life. This happens on a grand scale and on a daily basis. This happens to everyone. It’s not just me.
I was thinking about the critics and the intimidation of the crowd. I was thinking about my fears as well as my worst fears which are humiliation, exposure and shame. And then I was thinking about my anxieties and the stressors that appear out of nowhere, which is why I am awake at night to talk to my friend, Insomnia.