At last, I was free. Or, at least I was somewhat free. There were more steps that I would have to take but I was unaware of what those steps would be. I had no clue about the need for personal change or growth. I thought this is just the way life is.
I was alone, yes. I was uncomfortable as well. The small rooms in my tiny apartment were empty. There was nothing on the walls. There was nothing to absorb the sound or stop the echoing in the rooms. There were no decorations or anything of the sort. My kitchen was the smallest I have ever seen. The cupboards were empty with the exception of a few plates and a few utensils that were left behind by the previous tenant. I went from living in a large home with a two-car garage, an in-ground pool, and a nanny’s quarters to a small, upstairs apartment in someone’s private home.
There are basic motivations in life. There are motivations to be, to think and to feel a certain way. There are also certain motivators to keep us moving in a preferred direction. Ideas and thoughts lead us to the end results of feelings and emotions, which trigger a sense of need, desire and urgency. Motivation is neither positive or negative. Instead, motivation is an energy source in need of direction. The direction of our energy depends upon our motivator as a primary drive.
There are undeniable truths about our life, which we often deny or try to overlook. In fairness, however, truth is always truth. Thoughts are only thoughts. Feelings are only feelings and fears are only fears.
Long ago, it was said to me that perception is not truth. Perception is only true to the one that perceives it is true. To which I say the truth is if someone believes an idea of thought, wholeheartedly and repeatedly, then this becomes their truth.
As a kid, the most common answer to the question “Why?” was a simple “I don’t know.”
I would always say the same thing.
Why’d you do it?
“I don’t know.”
I would look away with a lost expression on my face. I remember the time I threw a rock that unintentionally hit a car window. I was about seven or maybe eight at the time. I ran away but someone told on me. And sure as hell, I was asked “Why’d you do that?” to which I replied, “I don’t know.”
Jesus, I say. Where did the time go?
There was a little sleepaway camp somewhere up in the mountains of a little upstate town with a lake and docks and a little beach area with screaming kids, running around and lo and behold, I was one of them.
There are pictures of this somewhere. There are pictures of me, little and small, innocent and pure.
There is a song I listen to sometimes. I watch a video that comes with it, which is not the artist’s video but still, the video fits the feeling. This is not a music video at all. Instead, this is someone that put their home video to the song by Jerry Garcia, which is absolutely perfect.
I use this combination of music and video to detach for a while. I let the music set in so I can unwind. I watch the old video because it reminds me of a time, like when we were young and the world was more of a technicolor place to me. the 70’s were the times. The Old Man had sideburns and people wore shirts with wide collars. We were approaching the 80’s and me, I was this little hopeful kid, just trying to find my way.
The Day after election day November 4, 2020.
There is no rule that says we have to agree. There is no law which states you have to like what I say or that I have to like what you say. There is also no law that says we have to be enemies if we see things differently.
Enter our current situation and we find ourselves arguing on social media. We find ourselves getting involved in online arguments about politics. Enter our current status and here we are, waiting to see an election come to an end. And the truth is, I’m tired.
This is me just thinking out loud. Or, better yet, this is me writing out loud. Read if you choose, if not, I will understand.
As of now, I am sitting across from you with my coffee beside me. I can hear the sound of rainfall against the skylight above my head. I am in my loft (of course) and looking out my window at the slick wet streets.
The sky is gray and the trees are exceptionally green for some reason. My road is always quiet. I suppose this is why I moved here to begin with. I suppose I’ve been practicing social distancing since before it was cool. This is why I moved here.
They call it hope.
They say this will appear like a ship coming in on a sunny day. They say there is a means to an end. It is said there is a reason for everything and that one day, everything will clear up somehow. This will all make sense and hopefully, or should I say suddenly, everything before the moments of displeasure, every twitch, every symptom, and all the discomforts and regrettable yesterdays will eventually lose impact. And at last, we can all breathe freely.
There are things I have learned throughout my life that I know are true. Some of my lessons came from an early age. Some of my lessons came from the way I was raised. Some came from the friends I’ve had and some of my most meaningful lessons have come to me throughout the course of adulthood.