I am here, between two poles, mid-gravity, and I am neither up or down or even mid-range but instead, I am somewhere in an atmosphere, which is either unexplained or misunderstood.
I am between two poles.
It is morning somewhere in a city where the pavement takes the sun between the buildings. There is shade and moments where the sun peeks through. My hands are tied in some regard. Tall buildings block the views but on occasion, we can find ourselves somewhere by water or someplace unobstructed and feel the breeze move through our hair.
I have come to the understanding that each life comes with an inherent truth. But what is truth? Or better yet, what is my truth? Or, should I ask, what is ours?
(Does anybody know?)
I have found that honesty can sting. Even at times when honesty is only pure, like the beauty of an old couple at a lake, looking across the surface to watch the ducks swim past before the sun goes down. The sky is on the verge of change and the color blue is about to switch to a pre-autumn sunset. Orange, I think. Yes, with shades of a purple hue to lace the clouds. And oh, the face of the lake is like a mirror to the sky. It’s perfect and true; yet, endearing enough to bring a tear to the eye.
In order to find clarity, we have to create clarity, which means some housekeeping. This part will require honesty and personal inventory. Afterwards, this will come down to an honest assessment of the company we keep. This will cause us to recognize some of our behavior.
But, let’s keep this simple . . .
We are who we are. Am I right? Or, is it more accurate to say that we are the sum of our surroundings? We are the boundaries we keep. We are the friends we have and the job we have. We are the total of our family influence and the culture we come from. Is this it?
I suppose no one will ever know why, at least not specifically why, things happen or why we feel the way we do — especially when we don’t want to feel the way we do; yet, we still do.
We still think. We still feel and there is an aim to feel differently.
There is a desire to think otherwise but the thoughts keep coming. I say this with a distinct understanding. I say this because of my past that was unrelenting. There were people who would say, “Don’t think like that,” or “You’re just being paranoid,” but it wasn’t paranoia. Besides, there was a difference.
I understand that most people seldom see where they fit in their own equations. In all fairness, it would be great to say that no one ever gets hurt. No one ever says mean or hurtful things. Loved ones would always be in love. In a perfect world, no one would ever argue or have to. No one would ever say an insensitive thing and we could smile and laugh and see things in our own special way. In a perfect world, everything would be perfect. No one would use passive/aggressive remarks to show their pain or hurt someone else in return. But to be clear, this is not a perfect world. We are all imperfect. We argue. We hurt. We assume and somehow, we seem to hurt almost preemptively. Then we submit to the pains of something that hasn’t even happened yet.
This one might get a little personal. Then again, all of this is personal to me. I suppose that as a young boy, I wanted to grow up to be big and strong, just like my Father. I wanted to be like him and to think like him. I wanted to know how to fix things the same way he knew how to fix things. He was my hero and to me, I looked at my Father with such admiration. I wanted to be charismatic, just like he was. I wanted to be able to talk to people the way he could or tell a story and make it just as interesting.
At last, I was free. Or, at least I was somewhat free. There were more steps that I would have to take but I was unaware of what those steps would be. I had no clue about the need for personal change or growth. I thought this is just the way life is.
I was alone, yes. I was uncomfortable as well. The small rooms in my tiny apartment were empty. There was nothing on the walls. There was nothing to absorb the sound or stop the echoing in the rooms. There were no decorations or anything of the sort. My kitchen was the smallest I have ever seen. The cupboards were empty with the exception of a few plates and a few utensils that were left behind by the previous tenant. I went from living in a large home with a two-car garage, an in-ground pool and a nanny’s quarters to a small, upstairs apartment in someone’s private home.
There are basic motivations in life. There are motivations to be, to think and to feel a certain way. There are also certain motivators to keep us moving in a preferred direction. Ideas and thoughts lead us to the end results of feelings and emotions, which trigger a sense of need, desire and urgency. Motivation is neither positive or negative. Instead, motivation is an energy source in need of direction. The direction of our energy depends upon our motivator as a primary drive.
There are undeniable truths about our life, which we often deny or try to overlook. In fairness, however, truth is always truth. Thoughts are only thoughts. Feelings are only feelings and fears are only fears.
Long ago, it was said to me that perception is not truth. Perception is only true to the one that perceives it is true. To which I say the truth is if someone believes an idea of thought, wholeheartedly and repeatedly, then this becomes their truth.
As a kid, the most common answer to the question “Why?” was a simple “I don’t know.”
I would always say the same thing.
Why’d you do it?
“I don’t know.”
I would look away with a lost expression on my face. I remember the time I threw a rock that unintentionally hit a car window. I was about seven or maybe eight at the time. I ran away but someone told on me. And sure as hell, I was asked “Why’d you do that?” to which I replied, “I don’t know.”