It would be the same to me if you and I walked down the street and went a different way. In fact, it would be all the same to me if you and I walked away and came back to the same places we used to meet and feel like total strangers.
Yes. I agree.
The world is a strange place.
I would say that time confused us and of course, our distance from one another led us to believe that perhaps our paths were not supposed to cross
But they did cross. Our paths cross more than once, and convincingly enough, our paths seem to cross all the time. At least, that’s what I think.
I wonder about this too because I wonder if one half can wait for the other half, which a person or a soul who is waiting for their other half and yet, their other half is never destined to return.
Is this what it means to be connected?
Is this why there is that thing called soulmates?
I believe in this, by the way.
Is this why I am so afraid to tell people what I think or how I feel?
Maybe I’m too grown to think or to be this hopeful, like a little kid, waiting for his dream to come true.
Do you know what I miss?
I miss Saturday morning cartoons.
You know the ones, right?
They are the ones from our childhood, which I get it.
My childhood was lifetimes away or more like lightyears away because either way, whether this is a lifetime that’s gone or lightyears from where I am now; the past is the past.
Still, I have this youthful connection to you.
I swear that I believe in this.
Even if no one else does.
Therefore, there has to be a reason for the ebbs and flows or the rise and falls of the tides at the beach.
There has to be a reason why the rain falls or why the Angels above cry during the weeping hours of loss and heartache.
I wonder if they have anything to do with this
or us . . .
I wonder if I plea loud enough or if I wish on a star or hope with all my might; maybe then . . .
You know?
There has to be something to all of this. There has to be more to this than what I see or assume.
there has to be something because I fail to believe in the moments of simple happenstance or that random things are just random things.
I’m sorry . . .
I just cannot see how anything about this or you is random to me.
Chimayo . . .
The Church in old New Mexico.
They say there’s magic in the dirt and that this place is know to heal the sick.
I went there.
I dug he dirt.
I kept some too.
But there was no magic in mine.
Or was there?
I believe that we are who we are and I believe this is true for reasons beyond our understanding.
And yes, I do believe in fate.
I do believe in destiny. I believe in the need to find our place in this world.
I do.
I believe in soulmates.
I believe there are all kinds of soulmates too.
I do not think this bond can be broken; at least, not from my side.
However, I have no control over what others think or feel about me.
I cannot make anyone love me back by loving them harder or trying everything in my power to have them look my way.
I know this.
But the heart wants what the heart wants and sometimes our best intentions are defied by our greatest fears. And, so, we lose our place and we say thigs we never eant to say.
Or worse, we apologize to an empty room that remains as it is, meories and all.
I believe that we search and we look and we seek and we hope to find what we dream about.
I believe this because I believe that we are destined for certain people, places, and things.
I believe in this more than I believe the weatherman on television or the preacher who shouts his sermon about the difference between salvation and redemption.
And more, I do believe that while we go down the wrong paths at times or that when we invest in the wrong things or the wrong people, life has a way of correcting or bringing us back to where we are supposed to be.
God, I hope so . . .
I cannot say that everything we see is absolutely intentional and nor can I say that everyone we meet is destined to be in our lives, for life or longer. But I keep coming back to the beginning, which is my life in full circle.
I come back to dreams and to hopes and to ideas that were born with me, and yet, I fid myself reborn again.
Only, I am not reincarnated or anything like that.
No.
I am aware of my faults and my flaws and I am aware of where my past has led me.
Here.
I am here.
Alone? Yes.
Without you? Absolutely?
But have I forgotten?
Has my heart changed?
Have I forgotten my dreams about a day with heavy rains?
No.
Not at all.
I know that while I find myself alone at the moment, and while I am unsure of the next steps, I find myself at an impasse.
I am at a crossroads or as I like to see it; I am standing at a station with two trains, both leaving at any minute.
Neither of the trains come with a guarantee or an actual destination. There is only a direction which is outward and into an unknown tunnel, which is dark, of course.
All I know is the train leaves the station and goes where it goes and somehow, we come out on the other end.
I don’t care if anyone else understands or knows me anymore.
I don’t care about status.
I don’t care about money.
I don’t are about the big house in the hills or the feelings I had when I saw the Hollywood sign.
I don’t care about the beach house out east.
I don’t care about the boat or the car or the mansion or the yacht.
I are about this moment.
I care about what comes next.
I care about the breakage and the wasting and the atrophy of the soul and how the heart is a muscle, and muscles and fade or lose sregth and become weak.
I care about the death of these things because it is my opinion that some people die aliver and they neer live.
I have done this way too often.
And if asked, so have you, which is why you and I always played it safe, even when the safety was opposite ad the antithesis of what we dreamed.
Do I stay as I am?
Do I allow myself to die alive and live like this for another day?
Do I take the train to my left?
Do I take the one to my right?
They both leave at the same time, and yes, I suppose I am afraid that either of them can take me far away from where I’d rather be, which is here with you. And yet, you are not here.
Not at all
I know what I want.
At least, I know what I want my life to look like, which is obvious and easy.
At the same time, I have no idea what adventures lay ahead of me.
What if I take the train to the right of me?
What if this takes me to a colder climate?
What if this falls shirt and all that remains is another disappointment?
I can’t even think about that . . .
What if I take the train to my right and all my dreams are destined to be the stops that the train to my left is bound to reach?
What if?
When?
How?
Why?
There are so many questions and so many reasons why I am afraid to let go or take a chance.
But you know all about this.
Don’t you?
There are too many fears and too many emotions, which seem to anchors me down to where I am and keeps me stuck.
And again, I am at the greatest impasse of my life.
What if I take the train, either left or right, and what do I learn that I should have stayed where I am?
Everything that I have always wanted was right there . . .
right in front of me . . .
And what did I do?
I boarded the train because I gave up and quit before the miracle happened.
I am lost and found and missing and present.
I am all of this and more.
And more than anything, I am slightly bitter and cold to the touch because in my heart, I know that I missed something.
I know there was a chance and I know that I failed to take the risks.
But wait, if there was a chance for me (and you) and if I failed to take it; then this has to mean that fate has something in store for me.
I don’t know what my fortune is.
I don’t know what fate has in store or what destiny thinks about me or my feelings.
All I know is two trains are about to head out and whichever train I take is what will determine the future for the rest of my life
And this is the truth
the whole truth
and nothing but the truth
So help me God . . .
The Written Addiction 