And more than anything, I have to say that “it just can’t stop.”
Nothing stops.
“It just doesn’t work like that.”
The dreams, I mean.
Nothing stops when it comes to matters of the heart and as for the mind?
Well?
The mind is the biggest dilemma of all because the mind is focused on smoke and mirrors, magic tricks, illusions and mirages which we hope are real and yes, I hope they are real too.
But reality is a different kind of trip.|
Reality is the hand that slaps the bottom of a newborn child to wake the baby and let them know the warmth has changed and life is different now.
And sometimes, it takes a slap in the face or a spank in the ass to understand that life has switched and there is a new order or a new sheriff in town.
Not all things are as they seem and not every promise is true or real.
Still . . .
It amazes me how love is still love and the heart still beats and feelings and desire still bleed like an open vein spilling into a bucket called “life.”
A young man told me about his friend who dove to his own death last night. The kid leapt from the Verrazano Bridge.
This happened about one year ago now, said the young man.
I think about him every day, he told me.
That’s okay.
I think about my friend Rob and how Rob ended his life about a year ago too.
I think about Rob now and I wonder what he would tell me now, that is, if Rob could come back and tell me anything.
Would he say his trip was worth it?
Would he say don’t make the same mistake I did?
Would he say life is precious?
Or is death the void absence of all, dark and ended, and if so, are all the talks about God and Heaven and Angels just talk to keep us hopeful?
Death is voiceless and yet, death tells us everything we need to know about life.
Dying alive is worse than death itself and still; we know this.
We understand that life is meant to be lived.
Time is always moving and every second counts.
We understand this.
Yes.
Of course.
Everything we say or do is an investment and everyone we trust and everyone we meet or include in our life is an investment as well.
I cannot swear off my truth or swear off my thoughts or pretend as if my truth is not true.
Denial is painful and so is deception of any kind.
And yes.
Of course, I have been deceived.
I have been lied to.
I have been exposed and humiliated and hurt and since this is true; it would be dishonest of me to say that I am not guilty of the same things.
I am lost and war-torn, tattered and often beat, sad as they come, and I am injured like a bird who used to fly but the falls have grounded me and now; all I can do is remember what it means to soar like an eagle.
When the world wants to change, and when your fate steps in regardless of your hopes and dreams, I need you to understand that fate and destiny have no concern when it comes to our thoughts or opinions.
No one wants the pain> no one wants anything good to end.
When I think of my paradise, I realize that paradise changes and yes, perhaps maybe Heaven changes too.
Although, in my opinion; an Angel is always an Angel to me.
And so, I go back to my initial thought
“It just can’t stop.”
Love never goes away.
Pain lingers.
Regrets fester like open sores that bleed us dry.
So?
What’s the fix?
When I want what I want, the last thing I want to hear is the word “No!”
But sometimes, regardless of what we want, or regardless of what we hope and plead for . . .
the answer is no.
Sometimes, you have to find the strength it takes to stand back up and often, you have to learn to compartmentalize your pains and hold them differently before the pain devours you or leaves you lifeless.
A young man dove from the Verrazano Bridge about a year ago.
Rob pulled the trigger on himself about a year ago too.
Some people are born to live and some are born to die.
Some choose their exit and some have fallen down or crashed and burned to a place that seems beyond repair.
And somehow, the fallen have learned to fly again.
I am right.
You know?
It just can’t stop.
Love, I mean.
I am me.
I am this. All of this
I am my life, my hopes and my dreams and I am also the survivor of all things I have seen.
This is not to say that I have not died in the past.
Of course, In have.
I know exactly what it means to die alive.
All this means is that I am reborn again today.
So?
Maybe it makes sense for me to find the reason why I am here.
Find my truth.
Find my purpose.
Find my path.
Choose my life
And yes.
Make it so.
I have to do this because to me
for now
nothing else
is acceptable
and anything else
is only a substitue.
But this is life
and no
there really is no sustitution
I promise
The Written Addiction 