I found that I was always searching for truth
even while in my sickness……
by any means necessary
in any direction, and by whatever method I found
I sought through the exteriors to find something within
and align myself with the magic of the sun
I dreamt of children playing in the daylight
……like when we were young
little boys flipped baseball cards
and little girls play with their dolls…..
I pictured this as versions of goodness
I found myself searching for the twenty thousand answers
to my ten thousand questions
I tried to find myself without using me as a factor.
What I mean is….
instead of searching within I went without
I went without the ability of forgiveness
I went without the satisfaction of salvation
or the possibilities of redemption.
So in order to form a more perfect union with myself,
I turned to the synthetic
I turned to the plastic
and the artificial
I thought I would only lose if the fight was more resilient than me
Then again…. that’s what everyone thinks
No one expects the bad outcomes to come
otherwise, no one would ever come at all
at least not through the same door as me.
I have watched my childhood vanish and seen its casualties
I have heard from those
whose silhouettes are shadows against prison walls
as well as those who have fallen six feet below the surface
But yet I say this:
Even they were looking for the truth
They were searching for the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth; so help them God.
My destiny is that which proves the fact that people do change.
However, I no longer compare myself to the leopards and say,
“See, I did change my spots.”
Then again, I don’t have to
…because I no longer walk on all fours.