More than anything, I get it; you want to find a way out from the hole that you’re in. More than anything, you want anything else except for more of the same.
You want to wake up someplace else or be someone else. Maybe the problem is money or your lack of finances cause you to believe that this makes you a failure. Maybe it’s the lonesomeness. Maybe it’s the hopelessness. Maybe it’s a feeling or better yet, maybe it’s an idea that tells you, “This will only be as good as it gets.”
More than anything, you want the thoughts in your head to stop spinning around and adding up, one by one, and more than anything, you just want a break from it all.
You want the symptoms to slow down so you can catch your breath instead of running away all the time.
Of all I have ever wanted, no matter where I was, I have always wanted to be free. To feel it. Know what I mean?
I want freedom but first I had to learn what freedom means. How can freedom exist, and, furthermore, is it possible to live and be free but still feel confined somehow, as if there was something or some kind of invisible restraint that only I can see or feel?
I was thinking about the use of our words and the things we say. I was thinking about what our words mean and how words will often mean different things in different occasions. A word is a unit of language; it is a version of expression or a means of communication.
I agree when people say there are obstacles in front of us. I agree when people say life is difficult. In fact, I even agree when people tell me life sucks. There are times when the feelings turn inward. The thinking doesn’t stop. Everything adds up to this unfixable thing that only gets worse.
The thing about our feelings is no one else feels them. Others can relate but still, this is us. I am me. You are you. It’s just that simple.
I don’t know what 10lbs. feels like in your arms. I don’t know what it feels like to lift something heavy with your strength. I only know what weight feels like to me. And sometimes life just feels too heavy.
Am I right?
We have our ideas and our opinions, which have been trained by our the perception of our experience.
But beware of your thoughts. They are not always real.
Be mindful that feelings are not fact and neither are expectations.
I must never
lend myself to the ideas that just because I am hurt or tired, or just because
something did not (or will not) go my way, and just because something I invested
deeply, heart and soul in, but yet the outcome fell to pieces before I reached
my goal, I cannot lend myself to the idea that, “This is it!” and it’s over.
I am not sure where the pressure began. I can say in all honesty, looking all the way back (like most people) I could create a timeline and see where the major changes occurred that led to the standards I have created for myself. In some cases, the standards I have for myself are as usual and as common as normal, everyday life.
In other instances, however, there are standards which I have created for myself that are based from the fears of my past.
There were boundaries created —or better yet, these were barriers set in place, like a line drawn in the sand, which was my statement to be read, loud and clear, and to be heard and aggressively interpreted as, “This will never happen again.”
There has to be a time when the excuses are no excuse at all. This is when accountability changes. This is when it becomes personal. The dedication changes. The mindset changes. More accurately, this is when we change.
There is a quote I think about from Charles Bukowski that says, “Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”
I think about this quote sometimes.
I think about the times I’ve gone crazy. Then I think about the times when I felt crazy. I think about the hard times and the desperate times. I think about the times I found myself on the poor end of bad decisions.
I think about the times I found myself in the worst places. I think about the jail cells. I think about the office visits of authority figures and the jobs I lost as a result to my behavior or performance. I think about being a divorced dad.
The idea is to overcome adversity,
which is something I understand.
But to overcome adversity,
I must first understand
what adversity means.