Dear Devil You Know.
It is another morning and the opposition and tension is mounting. But you already knew this.
Then again, the tension is always thick enough to be cut with a knife.
I know.
There is always someone or something out there, looking to pull their tricks.
I know that it’s not just you.
I also know that this has always been another one of your tricks.
I know how you look to keep me guessing.
Or to keep me on my heels, just so i can run to you when I am afraid
. . .or uncomfortable.
You have pulled this trick on me before. And this is a trick that you pull often, which I fall for and take the bait, but still, I know this is you and you know this is me.
You know how to reach me.
Always. . .
Always keep people guessing, am I right?
Never let them know the truth even when you tell them the truth.
Isn’t that right?
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled is not when he invites us, it’s when he tells us no, stay away.
That’s when our curiosity perks up like the the ears of a little dog, hungry for a treat.
I have always told people that the devil knows us better than we know ourselves.
And this is true.
You know me well enough to confuse me.
I am often confused enough to call me you, if that makes sense.
I know my problem.
I know what I struggle with,
I know why we lie or how we try to manipulate the scene which is simple enough.
I know all about my worries and fears. I know why I exaggerate or look to play games or work the truths against each other.
I know why I was the biggest story teller of all because in fairness, I saw nothing catchy about me. I believed that I was otherwise uninteresting and my worst fears of being unnoticed were always about to come true.
I saw no promise in me. I saw nothing charismatic about myself that would have me be enough to be invited or included.
Hence, this is why I wore masks for most of my life.
This is why I was a story teller, or an otherwise pathological and habitual liar.
And no.
I never wanted to be this.
But I know why tis was me.
I know all about the need to have an image or the reasons why I pretended to be someone better. I know why I acted or tried to make myself “look cool,” so-to-speak.
Why lie?
Why bother?
Nothing is real when nothing is honest.
I found this out the hard way.
And by the way, social media is the biggest weed of lies known to man.
I found this out . . .
. . . the hard way!
But I understand more about this now. I understand the truth and the facts that come with everyday reality; and I understand the fears or the worries and the need to try and relitigate what happens.
I understand wanting to hedge a few bets and trying to control the outcomes, which are out of our control to begin with.
Yet, we still try.
We don’t like what we see
So, we create a new reality.
I have lost enough.
I have hurt enough.
I have bled enough.
I have been sick enough.
I have learned enough,
I have grown enough.
I have opened my eyes enough times to see that we are often our own worst enemy.
I have witnessed my own self-destruction enough times to recognize that my rebirth needs to come with a new routine. Therefore, I cannot go backwards to go forwards.
I cannot revert back to old things or go back to old or default settings and live as I did.
I cannot reuse the old plans that did not work to begin with.
I cannot continue to do the same thing, over, and over again and expect different results.
Anyway, that’s insane to begin with.
If insanity is the absence and the opposite of reason, then I have to live, think, and be reasonable.
If I am to be happy, then I have to remove myself from all that kept me unhappy.
No more quick fixes.
No more instant gratification.
If I have to hurt so that I can heal then fine.
So be it.
I have to stop my interactions and the conversations that I have with my fears.
I have to shut down the anxiety machine.
I have to realize that if it is true that I am my own worst enemy, then it can equally be true that I can be my own best friend.
I can be my own hero and save my own life.
I understand why I lied.
I understand why we exaggerate.
I know why we embellish.
At the same time, I wonder about the obvious.
What the hell was I so afraid of?
What the hell am I so worried about?
I was unhappy.
I know this.
I was worried that I might not get my way, which I didn’t because how can anybody “get their way,” when their way is built on dishonesty?
I have to do what I have never dared to do before, which I am doing, which is this, which is to be brave enough to walk away from you, the devil I always knew.
I have to let go.
I have to stand up and be brave enough to walk away.
But even more, I have to stand up and be brave enough to put myself out there and show my feelings. And even if the answer is no, or even if I am rejected or unwanted, I cannot and will not surpass my own limitations if I continue to limit myself with the belief that I will never make it.
I have to stop this.
And there is no negotiation. There is no weaning off this way of life or compromise. I know that I need to focus on my recovery. I have to make my gains that coincide with the suggestion, “Progress, not perfection!”
However, if I do not hold myself to be true, then life can escape and become nothing more than another lie. Life can be nothing more than another act, or another moment of disappointment because I never dared to play the game straight up
Get behind me, Satan.
“Who are you kidding, I’ve been behind you the whole time!”
I know . . .
. . . and that’s my point.
I have to make this work for me.
Therefore, when the time comes and the opportunity presents itself; I will meet this with a full and open heart.
When the time comes, I will be brave enough to show my true self and thus; if I am denied, then I am denied.
But if I am loved or accepted, I will never be this loved and happy anywhere or by anyone else.
To thine own self be true . . .
Isn’t that the saying?
Well, to you “the devil I know”
I have to be true to me
Not to you
But that’s okay.
I’m sure someone else is out there –
to feed you with empty souls
and keep you alive.
The Written Addiction 