What I say now
I say without apology.
So,
I say this anyway
and I say it
play the game
and see what happens . . .
I have to say, The Old Man was right.
I understand now
or should I say it “his” way
and I’ll say it like this
I understand . . .
now that I am older.
I understand more about why
he would be mad about waste
or why I would be insulted
about the way things go sometimes
like, say
when I waste my efforts
or my time
and waste what I have
to come back with nothing.
What a waste . . .
The Old Man grew up during a humble time.
He was born out of the depression
so his understanding about time and money
and waste or food was different from say
somebody who grew up
while sitting at a more fortunate table.
The Old Man could not stand
to see anybody waste food or money
or time
because The Old Man came from a generation
when time was precious
money was scarce
and there was often a concern about
when his family would get their next meal.
I am not this way so much
or better yet, I am not the same in this regard
because while yes, I do hate waste –
I hate waste because I hate this as a man alone
and as someone who understands
the value of what it means to have no one
to come home to
as in, no family to gather around me
and no one to love the way I choose.
I find the way people waste their time fighting
to be an insult to me.
I see people who have family
or people around them
and they waste their moments
with selfish regards
ad they take things for granted
because they assume
no one leaves
or no one dies
or that no one fights so dirty
that their destruction is devastating
and the ruins are all beyond repair.
Your fights are infantile
because yes . . .
. . .fighting is wasteful
and in all fairness;|
fighting with those you love
and fighting with those who love you
is wasting the seconds
that add up and account for the days of your life.
I find the way people take each other for granted
to be an insult and as an insuilt;
I see this kind of insult as no different
than the as it would be
to laugh and throw away a plate of good food
in front of someone who starves
and might never see another meal.
For example,
to see a boy yell at his Mother
reminds me that I have no Mother anymore.
I am reminded that no matter how often I call
on the telephone, my Mother will never pick up
and and answer
and nor will she ever call me
and nor will I ever have the chance
to hear The Old Man’s voice again—
my Old Man, my Father
and my first hero. . . .
I will never hear him again either
at least, not unless this happens in a dream
and still
I do not hear their voices in my dreams.
No, it is more like a thought or a supposed memory
of what their voices sound like.
And so
I have no Mother anymore
no Father
no children whom I created
and no one to love me back
for reasons which are due to bad decisions
unfair natures, betrayals
and of course,
parental alienation.
So go head
keep wasting time
keep wasting love
and wait
and see.
I see people waste all of what they have
and they waste their time
and they waste their love
and they waste their memories
and they waste this on the stupid things
like fighting to get their way
or fighting just to be right;
when in fact
I see how people have no idea
what comes next.
People never seem to know
or realize
or how time works
or how their last goodbyes
could actually be
their last or final
goodbye.
Nothing is worse than that realization,
The people in your life
are there to be honored and loved
and cared for, adored,
appreciated, and more than anything else;
the people in your life
are the seasoning
which gives your life and memories flavor
and taste
so that you have something to hold on to
Don’t believe me?
See what happens when the people you love
are no longer around
and see what happens when you look back
and realize how you wasted decades
degrading love
depreciating the value of your loved ones
or from my perspective;
I offer you to see this from a more degenerative format.
See what happens when you waste your time fighting
and then find the results when you are alone,
missing anyone and everyone,
and realizing how you wasted the best years of your life
worrying about being right
instead of the more important things
like being happy
or having love to keep you warm
So, go ahead
keep doing what you do
and play the game called
Fuck Around and Find Out
because when you find out about the reasons
of why you are alone;
you find out the meaning of the words
self-induced
or self-inflicted.
No one wasted my life but me
and now that I want nothing more
than the chance to make my real life begin,
I realize The Old Man was right all alone.
Nothing is worse than waste
Never waste food
Never waste time
Never waste love
never waste the value
of when someone loves you in return
because life does not live well without them
Not at all.
I love you!
I will say this every day
I will shout this from the rooftops
I will never waste another moment
or another portion of this
or waste a second of my love,
and no
I will never waste an ounce of the love
that comes to me in return.
Love is a living
breathing thing
and same as life needs certain miracles
to exist
or be born
love cannot be born
or come from
or survive in a vacuum
To put this out there
both plainly
and simply –
I don’t know how much time I have left
and often
I don’t know about my money in the bank
so meals might not be as plentiful
as say
they way they were
when spending time and having a meal
with my family . . .
or spending time
and eating with someone I love.
But more than anything
no one ever knows when their last goodbye
is actually
their last and final
goodbye
So take this for what it’s worth
or take this from someone
who owns a phone that rarely rings
not unless the calls are business related
or regarding some kind of financial concern
because most times
I check my phone
or I see an email come in—
and I check with excitement
only to see
the message
or the email
or the text is not from the love of my life
or from who I want to hear from
So go on
fight and argue
and waste the time you have
and waste your time fighting
with the people you actually love.
Spin the wheel
and play the game
Fuck Around and Find Out!
be the next contetant
and see what happens
when you are
You won’t like it
and the people who love you;
they won’t like it either
but you go ahead
keep fighting to be right
instead living to
be happy
See what happens.
No, really.
Fuck around and find out
and see how you feel
when you wake up alone
with no one to love
no one to talk to
no one to hold your hand
no one to dance with
and no one to flavor the memories
that last for the rest of your life.
Waste one more day
and see. . .
or wake up now
so you don’t lose the ones
who flavors your life
the most.
Alone or not
I love you
and yes
I always will.
The Written Addiction 