I have to believe in this thing I have.
What I mean is, I have no choice because the other choices are not attractive to me, which means I have to believe in this thing I have. I have to do this because this is all I have, which is why I’ve come here to say what I have to say and hence; this is why I’ve come here to share this with you – to give you everything I have (and then some).
Come to think of it:
Charles Bukowski once wrote “find what you love and let it kill you.”
I understand what he means and far be it from me to judge or argue, but I don’t want anything to kill me. At least, not anymore.
Instead, I think we should find what we love and let this save us. Let this fill us. Let this put wind in our sails and provide the momentum we need to move at light speed – and yet, as fast as we go, we’ll never miss a thing because finally, we’ve found this amazing concept that makes us whole again – and now we can see everything.
I admit to it. I was not always the person I am today. I also admit that my personal awkwardness and my need to fit “in” or be “cool” was enough to overrun the nicer parts of me. Therefore, I admit to being a “guy” and I admit to playing the games and subscribing to a role that was not fitting for my best possible potential.
I also firmly and somewhat regretfully admit to my dating flaws and single-life fiasco, my lies by omission, or the mistruths and manipulations of time and facts. Yes, this was me. Yes, I was bitter in some regards because I was uncomfortable. And yes, there were funny moments and not-so-funny ones at the same time.
The sky is blue now and perhaps we have grown beyond our differences from this time last year. Perhaps we’ve improved or at least I hope we have.
I am watching the sunlight as it beams over the large old trees that stand tall behind the small chapel, which has been in my town much longer than you or I have been alive.
It is a moment that we share, now, in the early morning sunlight which has just risen above the horizon. It is warm which shows promise to the warmer weather that has yet to come.
It’s not here yet. But summer will be soon enough. I know it. And so do you.
Early morning when the sun was about to show, the night was behind us and the dawn was proof that as young as we were, we were living. We were alive enough to recognize that we beat the dawn and that we broke the night into different pieces of memory. We lived as fast and as wild as we could and throughout the night, we danced and we played and we sweated in the hot celebrations in the downtown scene. We moved with trance-like music beneath the bright lights flashing and strobe lights, beaming and flickering, or pulsating to the techno-sounds and hypnotic beats of club music.
There is this thing we talk about, which is evasive to so many but yet, this is real. There is this life; there is this feeling, based on emotion and based on a connection, which of course is undeniable—and yet, there is this fear that becomes a nightmare because what if our dream comes true? What is life without love? Then what?
Are we loveless? Are we alone? Or does this mean we are forever to seek an evasive dream; hoping and wondering, and each time we think we feel something, we find ourselves asking, “Is this it?” And maybe it is. Or maybe it isn’t? But we have to taste it to know. We have to feel it. We have to try it to understand. We have to otherwise, we’d never know, right?
The fact is it’s easy to go crazy. If you think about it, we’ve been going crazy for years and yet, where have we gone? I can say this wholeheartedly. I can say that I have run and hid and I’ve jumped and I’ve dodged my share of landmines. I can say that I’ve hit a few landmines as well. I’ve hit roadblocks. I’ve encountered obstacles that I had to overcome.
At the same time, I’ve encountered problems that became opportunities in which case, had I never been tested; I might not have known what I was capable of. But still, it’s easy to go crazy.
I have a question. What is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?
I think the question is simple. Then again, I don’t know if there is a way to quantify the best or most beautiful because beauty is relative. Then again, everything is relative. There are so many beautiful things that go unmentioned. There are beautiful things that go unnoticed. We take this for granted.
I don’t know what beauty looks like outside of my own influence. I’ve been to different places to see different things. I’ve never seen the sun go down over the French Riviera. I’ve been to Europe. I’ve seen pictures though. And some of the pictures I’ve seen are almost enough to be the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.
Almost . . .
There are the great misconceptions about love and writing about love. It would be inaccurate to believe that one has to be in love in order to write about love. There is the misconception that one would have to experience heartbreak to be able to write about the absence of love.
Love is only love.
Love is us. Love is the way we think and breathe. The same as we are alive, love is alive. Anything we write or say about us is true. Even if what we say about our love is not true; our lies are still true because somewhere, deep down beneath the layers we hide behind and deep beneath our public image, and deeper beneath the roles we play in a back and forth chess match, and behind all of our push/pull mentalities, behind the nonsense and the make-believe, somewhere in there is a dream and a wish. Somewhere in us is a love we only hope could be true. Somewhere in us is the desire to be more.
There were mornings there in which I swore were nothing like any mornings I had ever seen before. The sea and the sunrise look different on the West coast as opposed to the East. The grayness of morning and the silvery mist atop the blue Pacific and the rumble sounds of the waves crashing in and then hissing after the collapse to return to sea was how I’d see the mornings. This, by the way, is how the Earth breathes. The ocean swells and the waves rise and fall like the chest of the body as it inhales and breathes out.
Give it a name and call this something. Call this a process, call it a journey or call this whatever you choose. Or, better yet, keep it simple and just call this life. And suddenly, here we are connected by a force that is greater than anything any of us could possibly understand. The world is nothing more than a story that continues to unfold. And be advised, the future is still unwritten. It always is and always will be.