Being Honest With Fiction

I have no real memories from when I was small, which is not true to the letter but true in the sense that my memories are distorted.
I would say that my early memories are more like pictures of things which I know happened because I was there. At the same time, age and the eventual awareness of life and the emotional content of my aftermath somehow fades the accuracy of my memory. 

If that makes sense.

I was told that memory is a liar.
I agree with this.
Perhaps, I was unsure about my opinion when I first heard the thought that “memory is a liar.” 
However, life and I have gone back a long ways by now.

I have taken nearly 54 trips around the sun, which sounds like a lot to a young man.
But an elder would see me as too young to complain about age.
I know this because I have had long conversations with older friends. And they all say the same thing.
“Just wait! You’ll see.”

I used to be resentful when people would tell me things like this. I hated when people used to tell me, “You’ll understand when you get older.”
That being said –

I have learned more about the theory of getting older and the idea that yes, memory is a liar.

Memories are filled with the inaccuracies of our perception.
We create false projections.
We create false narratives too.

This is why I often call this problem, “the deception of my perception.”
Not all things are as they seem or appear.
Not all thoughts or opinions or ideas are accurate.
Emotion changes our understanding and while we might understand things from an intellectual perspective, emotions are different.
Emotions can blur my vision to the point where I do not think, remember or see things accurately.

Even beauty can hurt when perception tricks out thinking.
Believe me on this one.

I have said these things to you before.
I know I have.
I know and I apologize because yes, I have become just like my Father, The Old Man.
I have become my Old Man who was older before me in the sense that yes, I repeat myself too.

I know . . .

I know the truth about emotions or feelings.
I also realize and know how we are always looking to understand the greatest and oldest question of all.
“Why?”

Why did this happen to me?
Why did I get hurt?
Why did they lie to me?
Why did I lie?
Or why did I do such a stupid insecure thing?
Why did I fight with the one person I love the most and hence, love spoiled and hence, the ones we love most become enemies and so, I am the one “she” loves the least now.

Maybe nothing was real . . .
Maybe I was just a fool . . .
Maybe I deserved this . . .
This is emotional thinking . . .
Understand?

I often say that nervous thinking leads to nervous decisions, which lead to nervous outcomes.
But yes . . .
The idea of being told to “Stay calm,” reminds me of another saying, which goes, “In the history of calming down, no one has ever calmed down simply because they were told to calm down!”
I get it.

I recall the afternoon of my Grandmother’s funeral. I recall my Father, The Old Man standing beside me.
He was comforting me while at the same time, I suppose the presence of me standing by my Father was comforting to him as well.
We all have feelings.
And to a kid, or to me; I assumed The Old Man was nothing else but a superhero.
Superheroes have no weakness.
They don’t feel pain.
People feel these things.
However, the label and the identity of being a Dad or a Father or a parent of any kind creates the idea that parents are not real people. At least, not to us when we are kids.
They are a separate entity.
moms and Dads are Moms and Dads.

This idea took years for me to understand. Then again, I was younger and as The Old Man always told me, I understood when I grew older.
“Thanks, Pop!”
I think I get it now

I never realized that I was a comforting factor to be next to him at his Mother’s funeral.
All I could do was weep.
I, me, his youngest son. . .
I remember

A family member who was distant and somewhat ostracized by his own choice walked over and approached The Old Man.
His identity is not one for the books and his mark and imprint left a bad taste in my mouth. Therefore, to do no harm and offer this story with its intended warmth; I will go on as follows.

All I will say is there was a lot of pain between the two men, him, and my Father.
The shame of this unresolved tension is on me though.
The Old Man died in 89 and so, I believe my Father let go of these useless and Earthly things.

My Father did not recognize this person.
The two hugged once the awareness was seen and yet; the two men had very different memories of what took place.

I know this because I heard both versions.
I heard my Father’s version a few years later.
The Old Man’s side of the story protected him and his emotional content.
The estranged one or the one who was unrecognized and to honor my Father’s perspective; the hurtful one had a version of this that protected his emotional side.

See?

Being in the middle of the two of them, I had a different viewpoint.
I saw this for what it was and literally, neither version was accurate of what took place.
Not my Father’s
Not the other one’s version.
Neither of them were accurate to the truth.
But in their eyes, their version was true to them.

Hence, memory is a liar!

I want to rethink this and re-see my older memories from a healthier perspective.
I want to relive the good thoughts that went bad and understand the goodness in the things that act more like pictures and reminders of what took place.
Trauma is a bitch.
I promise you!

I want to learn from this because if perspective and perception is everything, then I want to change both of mine because as I see it; emotional thinking can lead to the biggest thievery of our lives . . .

I thought too much.
I worried too often.
I was afraid
I was insecure
Or more . . .
I was petrified that my worst fears would come true
– that I am unworthy
– that I am ugly
– that I am unlikable and unlovable
– that in the end, I will die alone and unnoticed until the stench reaches the hallway.

I will never know what you think or if what you feel is real.
Then again, I am not sure what’s real to begin with.

I will never know the truth about what other people see.
But rather than be distracted by this, perhaps it is better to strip my perception of its strength and rob my fears of their momentum.

I want to learn to live in the moment.
And every chance I get, I want to dance like this will be the last song so I can give it everything I got!!
I want to live, love, laugh and learn enough that the critics can go, laugh, point at me or smile and all their opinions will be vaporized and unobjectionable.

I want to sing like I will be on stage at the best rock and roll show of all times.
I want to love without a fear, care, concern, or worry that something about me is too flawed or undeserving.

I will never get her back
But there is no going back
Gone is gone
dead is dead.
And so am I
to her . . .

Somewhere out there are countless apologies of mine that will forever be unheard.
But I offer them, nonetheless.
Somewhere out there is the key and the answer.
Somewhere out there is the light, the truth, and the way.

And I want the light, the truth and the way.
I want to do this from now until my last breath,
I want this with all I have because one thing you can bet on now is this: Age has taught me that the little shit we complain about is meaningless.
Half of what I found so meaningful in the past is ridiculous to me now.
Fate and Destiny teased me a few months back and now, I am on the hunt and chasing a dream from my younger years.
She knew me then too.

If given the chance, I know what I will do.
If the chance to pull off my trick never comes, then let me learn how to rewind my thinking better than I did before.
Let me do this because no matter what I thought, the smiles and the love I felt in my heart was real.
Still is . . .
Know what I mean?

Some people never feel this in their life.
How sad this must be for them.

And me?
I don’t want to be sad.
I want to put in the work

I want to –
Change my life,
Change my perspective
Change my thinking
Change my behavior
And this . . .
This will change the way I feel

I know it

I love you
and this is the one thing that will never change

Ever ~