Being Honest With Fiction

1)

I suppose this is nothing more than another “note to self,”
because of course . . .
who else am I writing to, other than you?

There is no way but up from here.
Or so I’d like to believe.
And so
I don’t know much
but I know the summer is about to show its face.
Thankfully.

The weather is kinder now.
I like that.
The sunrise has an earlier approach
which I enjoy for the most part.

It is clear to me now
that the best or most empowering move
and the freest I have ever felt
is when I chose to choose myself
and so, the next move I chose
was to stand up and walk away.

No looking back.
No looking over my shoulder to see who notices.
No reason to wonder if I’m missed.

Just get up.
Go.
Ah, to walk away and not be concerned
or worry
or be connected to a thought, feeling, or an emotion
that turns my head with curiosity.

This . . .
I need this.
But I admit it
I am not always so brave
or,
is it that I am more afraid
that if I go,
I’ll miss the greatest comeback
of all times
Understand?

2)

And while I get it
and I understand why things happen,
a piece of me is either lost or still misplaced
and looking around,
like a kid waiting to play again,
and hoping the game is not over
or that I will be welcome to play.

It is too far gone now and still,
I have a list of people who I have harmed
and a list of people who chose to walk away
and still, years can pass or even decades,
and here I am –
. . . still wishing
for a shot at redemption.

Nothing can rewind the clock and no,
I do not say that paths never cross again
or that “over” means that something is over
for the rest of my life.

Fate knows how to intervene

I do believe in the word “never.”
I do think there are instances
and people, places, and things,
which have run their course.
And so, in that case
over is over
and that’s the end of it.

I think there are people
who come into our life
to shed light on our truths and sometimes,
the truth is we believed in beautiful lies
for way too long.

But of course,
there are more than one side to things
and more than one side to the story
always

3)

I want to throw away all of my old notes and journals.
Partly because no one cares.
Partly because they hurt me
Partly because I hate who I used to be
and partly because I hate who I am now.
I want to get rid of my old poems.
Partly because no one listens.
Partly because none of them had the result I was looking for.
Partly because I was wrong.
Partly because my belief system is not what it was
and partly because my heart has not healed
and of course,
who says it ever will?

I want to throw away the countless memories
of my regrettable yesterdays
and cast them out to sea
like the unwanted blemish
of a broken shell that matched imperfetly
to a perfect thing
which of course;
this is like something so beautiful
and random
and something like a shell
that I found on the beach at Point Lookout.

I want to hit the button.
I want to start a new life or turn over a new leaf.
Or whatever that means.

I want to rid myself of my regrets
and I want to stop looking backwards
so that I can move ahead.

Ahead . . .
Like the horizon and how it changes
in the morning sky . . .
. . . this shows that something is ahead of me
but I’ll never notice if I keep looking back.

4)

I have always been told –
If it’s meant to be, then it’s meant to be.
And sure.
I get that.

But at the same time,
I can’t say that this does much
for the sad or the brokenhearted.

There are only so many sunrises and sunsets
and full moons and moments the Earth
takes on a more loving appeal.

There are only so many times
that we can dance or sing out loud
or make love in the backseat of a car in a rainstorm.

I’d love that.

There are only so many walks we’ll have
along the shoreline, and each of them –
each dance
each song
each walk
each experience and every memory
all have an irreplaceable value.

I agree.

May the hurt subside
May the anger disappear
May the regrets go away
And may your heart be happy
(again)

If it was meant to be
Then it is meant to be . . .

I don’t know what my destiny is
and I don’t know if my dreams
will ever come true.

I cannot say how fate will intervene
or if my hopes and dreams will go unlived
But . . .
for now, I think I’ll just remember the time
The people
The Places
The things
And the feelings
Because one day,

So help me
I will have the chance
to live, love and laugh
again
and when I do
I know that I will hold on for dear life

I know it

.