The rain is heavy outside.
I suppose the rain matches the mood and the mood matches the time.
At least, for me.
I think now is a good time for me to get this out.
The wind picked up but so has the rain.
Perhaps now is a good time for me to cleanse my soul.
And so . . .
here I go
Good morning to you, Blessed Father and good morning to you as well, The Universe, Mother Earth and Father time.
I have prepared a statement which is more like a mission for me,
And you start to wonder, “is it me?”
Am I the crazy one?
And yes. Maybe I am.
Maybe I am as crazy as a madman or like a shithouse rat; maybe I’ve lost my mind and the stench from all the horse shit and bullshit has become too common for me.
the status quo has become to common as well.
And all the while most people never realize they have the right to make a change or walk away.
I have left my old self behind me. However, there are choices i have made and commitments that I choose to hold.
I cannot give up on a few things, like love or the love of my life.
I cannot give up on my dreams or the dreams that someday, I will cross a threshold and at last, I will be home!
I cannot just quit . . .
. . . and have I been tempted?
Have I considered the optiopn?
Yes. Of course, I have.
I have thought about the suggestion, which was give to me a long time ago.
“Surrender to win.”
I have to accept “what is” so that I can make the adjustments and change so that my current status can evolve into my future status.
Is it me?
I have been asking myself this question for years.
And maybe it is me
or maybe it isn’t!
Or is this just a case that we all have our own ways of doing things?
No one knows what i think or feel. And no matter how i try and explain or tell someone; will anyone truly know what pain feels like to me?
Will anyone know what love feels like to me?
Will I ever know if I am on the right path or if I took another wrong turn?
I suppose all is revealed in the end.
But the end . . .
the ending is too final.
I want m end to be my beginning, if that makes sense.
We all have our own vision and we all have our own ways of seeing the world.
We all have hang-ups and triggers, and as for the internal alarms that go off in our mind, and as for all the worries that come, we all have something that leads us back to a place of a time or a memory that is less than desirable.
I know where I’ve been.
And I know where I want to be and I know who I want to be with.
But what I want is just another case of “What I want,” and sometimes we ask for what we want.
And sometimes no matter how bad we want something or someone; sometimes, the answer is NO!
No one gets through life without a scratch.
No one escapes unscathed, or at least, this is what I have been told.
And me?
I have scratches and scars.
I have cuts and bruises.
I have aches and pains and to be clear, even my memories have memories which is the same as me saying that even my skeletons have skeletons hiding in the closet.
I never dared to say that I am good or better or anything above or beyond the next person.
I am just as human as anyone else around here. Or maybe it’s me.
Maybe I am crazy.
Maybe be so-called enemies were right about me and maybe the hex is real.
Maybe I was built to live in the underbelly of the beast and nothing about me is deserving of more
(or better)
Maybe I find myself repeating a behavioral loop because my thinking errors misguide me and so, in my best assumption, nothing about this will change until I learn to change my direction.
I have heard people weep in their worst of times and ask the sky, “Why me?”
There are two words that come to mind
“Contributory negligence.”
I wonder how often we contribute to our own demise.
I wonder how often we cut our nose off to spite our face.
How often do we paint ourselves into a corner and look around to realize that we have no escape?
Change your actions to change your thinking
Change your thinking to change your feelings.
Change your feelings to change your chemistry.
Change your direction and you can change your future.
All of these are simple, when we think about it.
All of the above is easy to say.
And none of the above is understanding problem.
No.
We understand.
We know what to do
We know how.
And I have been saying this for years.
The problem is an application problem.
Not an understanding problem
How to apply change is not really the question.
The problem is the fears and the worries about the unknown and the uphill climbs and the fears of lonely demise, despair, failure, and of course; the biggest concerns are where do we find our comforts even if our comforts are not so comfortable?
I have listened to people who stay in the wrong relationships or stay in bad or loveless marriages and I have listened to people who remain stuck or stagnant in their comfortable lives. And no, there are no great ups and downs and nothing is so beautiful and there are no great rushes of pleasure or adrenaline. Everything remains status quo or mediocre and in the end, the unsettled and unsatisfied reward system settles on the calm and boring life without great escapes because no matter how great passion can be, at least there are no great catastrophes.
There is no love making in the rain.
There are no wild moments or roadside escapades because two people could not keep their hands off of each other.
There is no deep or wild connection. Instead, there is a quiet comfort and a mild to moderate and unfulfilled love life that is basic or par for the course.
Essentially, I have seen people trade their wildness and settle for a compromised life which is safe and tired but at least they know where they stand.
no risks . ..
no rewards . . .
no love that could withstand the sun and outlast the stars
I asked myself . . .
This life you have . . .
Is this the life you want
Or is this the life you have?
The life I have is not the same as the life I have dreamed of. This is not the life I want.
Not even close.
But to have this, I have to realize that changes are critical to achieving my goals
I cannot substitute or use an alternate source.
I remember the song, “If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with.”
And while I am a fan of Crosby, Stills, and Nash, I humbly disagree.
Therefore –
I have to change my actions.
I have to change my behavior
I have to change the way I treat myself and I have to stop the habitual loops, which bring me back to more of the same.
I want more.
I want better for myself.
I have to break my own cycles, be it many or few; and no matter what happens, I cannot allow myself to fall back into the loops of my old or habitual patterns.
And more; I have to be brave.
I have to be unapologetic.
I cannot compromise or settle.
To be who I want to be means that I have to make a commitment.
I have to be diligent.
I cannot self-sabotage or paint myself into the same corners again.
I cannot give in to the challenges of deception or more accurately; I cannot submit to self-deception.
Perhaps I am the ugly one or the crazy one.
Maybe it is me . . .
Maybe I fell into the unfortunate loops, and maybe this happened all too often, and the result led me to a case of massive self-destruction.
Maybe my enemies were right about me.
Maybe I deserve their hate.
Or
maybe I deserve something better.
There is no rule that says we cannot learn to improve.
There is no law that says we cannot try harder or work more and take care of ourselves.
And no matter where we are or what our circumstances might be; no one can stop us from improving.
And yes. I get it.
Never is forever and so is always.
Ruin is ruined and not everything will come back and perhaps there will never be any sort of forgiveness between me and others in my life.
But no one can stop me from trying to reach my dreams.
No one can hurt me worse than I’ve already hurt myself and so, if this is true and if this is the case, then no one can save me, except for myself.
Today is a good day to make a change.
Or better –
Today is the best day to be my own hero
One second at a time
The Written Addiction 