I found that I was always searching for truth
even while in my sickness……
by any means necessary
in any direction, and by whatever method I found
I sought through the exteriors to find something within
and align myself with the magic of the sun

I dreamt of children playing in the daylight
……like when we were young

little boys flipped baseball cards
and little girls play with their dolls…..

I pictured this as versions of goodness
(Or purity)

I found myself searching for the twenty thousand answers
to my ten thousand questions
I tried to find myself without using me as a factor.

What I mean is….
instead of searching within I went without
I went without the ability of forgiveness
I went without the satisfaction of salvation
or the possibilities of redemption.

So in order to form a more perfect union with myself,
I turned to the synthetic
I turned to the plastic
and the artificial

I thought I would only lose  if the fight was more resilient than me
Then again…. that’s what everyone thinks
(Statistically speaking)

I mean….
No one expects the bad outcomes to come
otherwise, no one would ever come at all
at least not through the same door as me.

I have watched my childhood vanish and seen its casualties
I have heard from those
whose silhouettes are shadows against prison walls
as well as those who have fallen six feet below the surface

But yet I say this:
Even they were looking for the truth
They were searching for the truth, the whole  truth
and nothing but the truth; so help them God.

My destiny is that which proves the fact that people do change.
However, I no longer compare myself to the leopards and say,
“See, I did change my spots.”

Then again, I don’t have to

…because I no longer walk on all fours.


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