I should say before I say anything, but yes, I am a window seat guy . . .
I have never traveled on a train elsewhere or outside the country. I have never seen what Europe has to offer, and maybe this will change for me. Or perhaps one day, I will take a train through Europe.
Maybe.
Or maybe there will be places that remain unseen, at least by me, and perhaps my future will unfold in ways that are beyond my imagination.
Either way –
I am now, and I will always be a window seat guy.
Unless, of course, the trip is crowded and the person next to me is less-than courteous or conscious of limited space.
I miss my trips at airports. I miss the feelings I had while sitting and waiting for my flight and looking out from the tall windows.
I used to love to watch the planes roll away and take off.
I used to look at planes that docked at the gates.
I loved this . . .
I always saw them like jet-fueled horses who rested at their stalls while getting fed with a feedbag and being prepped for their next trip to someplace else.
I have travelled but not so much,
I have seen things, but there is far more to see.
I know.
Then again, none of my enemies ever expected me to make it this far. Perhaps, I never thought that I would make it so far either, which is all the more reason it hurt when I had to downsize or slide backwards.
The truth hurts. Yes.
And so does humilty.
But hey, such is life when we play stupid games and wind stupid prizes.
I am far from empty and far from failed and further from where I want to be. However, I am sure that there is (and there will always be) somebody eager at how I fell from grace.
I am no angel and nor am I an angel with a dirty face.
I am not innocent and I have nno right to claim to be innocent.
I know there is goodness in me. I know there are great things inside of me, which no one can take away, despite their best efforts.
I know that i have done good things. Or perhaps i can say that I have done great things.
This is crazy when I think about it . . .
I have gone much farther in life than I originally anticipated.
It’s crazy when I go back to the idea of sitting in a room full of men.
This was years ago.
I sat among good people with a bad past and with those who sought to find a better life.
I remember the internal battles. I remember my thoughts and my faith which were all questioned at best.
I thought about my doubts and my resentments. And somehow, you were there the entire time.
You knew me then.
You knew me before too.
You’ve always known me and even if you never met me before or if we never meet again, no one can convince me that you do not know me.
No one can take away the fact that life is far from random at all and that two people connect more than once by accident.
I remember the younger arguments I had with people who lived with my affliction. We talked about the difference between an alcoholic and a dope fiend.
I was told how they’ll both be likely to swipe your wallet.
And I agree.
But a dope fiend is the one who will help you try and find it.
Thieves are like this.
So are the cons and scam artists and so goes the saying “You can shear a sheep many times. But you can only skin it once.” This comes from a gambler, Amarillo Slim, who realized that you can profit from someone repeatedly, but you’ll lose this option if you get too greedy and take too much.
There is a special genius about this to me
There is something to be noticed because I do not believe this way of thinking is limited to the people who gamble or to those who look to kick drugs or alcohol.
We live in a “Me first” world.
People have an agenda.
Take you, my most special and precious enemy.
You know me well. Or wait, no.
You know me all too well, I suppose.
And you smile and you try. You support and encourage.
You tip and you offer and when I go missing or lost, you help me look for the things which you knew my hands could never hold.
Dare I say this to give you too much power, or dare I say this at all because it is true; he enemy within is greater and stronger and far more threatening than an enemy who waves a blade and threatens the worst.
But for now and for the moment, the mortars have stopped long enough to realize that even the moon waited around to watch the sunrise.
My head is leaning against a window on a westbound train. It is Monday morning and the day has not left the ground.
Work is work.
Life is life.
And like we’ve always said to each other, “It is what it is.”
And for now, my mind is elsewhere.
I am wishing and thinking about what my life could be like, if life were different.
In fairness to myself, I have survived more than I ever expected. I have gone through different stages of living. I have gone through phases and wore different uniforms and different hats.
I have worn different masks and disguises and tried to pretend to be or to fit or act as if.
However, age has rescued me from certain ideas.
Age and perhaps the scars that no one sees are enough to make me realize that doing the same thing and expecting different results is, in fact, the real definition of insanity.
A time comes, and the act gets old.
We somehow move away from old opinions and found them to be inaccurate or meaningless.
Maybe I snagged myself on the same corners too often. Or maybe I finally bumped my head enough to realize “enough is enough!”
Or maybe the lumps on my skull are due to contributory negligence.
And hence, I grow tired of my self-inflicted headaches.
There comes a time when we reach an age or a moment of awareness.
Or maybe this is subjective.
Maybe this is like another coming to light and suddenly, somehow, we see the world with a different clarity>
Or maybe we take notice and next, we realize that time is too short to be wasting it on thoughts and feelings that come back with diminishing returns
I want more.
I want more than what was taken and what I lost.
I want more than the old battlefields, which I grant that they made sense to me for a long time.
But I want more.
I don’t need the big house or the nicer car or the first class ticket to paradise.
I don’t need all the money in the world. In fact, I’d be fine to live humble or be the meek and I’d be fine if the meek never inherited the Earth.
I don’t need the Earth.
I don’t need the high-priced trips to hotels around the world.
No, I’d be fine to do things, like say, plant flowers and water the lawn, and set up a small little plot of land, just to watch the love of my life smile and be happy.
I used to think that I would never be worth the risk.
I never believed that I would ever be enough.
Or moreover, I never believed that anyone would ever love me enough to go “all in” and be with me.
I want this.
I want someone to be “all in!’ and be my partner in crime, my better half, my lover, my best friend, and hence, she would be my dream.
I want this.
I want to be silly, like a kid.
I want to take in the sunset.
I want to laugh.
I want to cast away my saddest memories and regain my composure.
You know . . .
Yesterday’s sky was as blue as ever.
The sun was warm but the winds were cool, which provided a nice trick to keep my soul at ease.
And so, to you, my greatest and loved enemy.
Today holds a few cards in the deck.
And I cannot show what I am holding and nor am I asking to see what you have.
But whether I have a great hand or not, I think I’m going to play this one out to the best of my ability.
Therefore, with regards to the ante and the bet and as we open the game to a higher stakes; I think I’ll just go “all in” and bet everything I have.
What’s the difference anyway?
I’ve been losing to you for a long time.
Odds are that I’m bound to win at some point.
And who knows?
Maybe today might be the day
(or so I hope)
Love always,
Your greatest adversary
Me~
The Written Addiction 