The rain is going to split the day in two
or so I am told.
I am told the weatherman says
the day will be partly cloudy to which this means
the day will be sunny at times.
I am told about the clouds having a silver lining
or that despite the rough times
or bad whether”
there will always be a caveat
which is a limitation
which shows that even if the world is about to end
nothing can end to completion
more than once.
And so, therefore
nothing can destroy me again
unless I allow it to.
I have to learn to understand more about the dichotomy of man
or mankind
There are differences and there is often a line between things
which splits down the middle.
There is the Yin and the Yang
or the black or the white
and still; there is the gray area
which transforms us or changes us
as we move in-between.
I am going to let this go
here . . .
I am going to speak without thinking
and reach our to you
without worrying whether you’ll care
or understand
or want me
or not.
Sometimes
you have to face the facts
and learn that the lessons we have been taught
might have been wrong
regardless of the teacher
who told us
or regardless of the intention of those who taught us
“this must be true!”
and too
at some point
you have to amture
and reach a social or personal understanding
which allows you the strength
to questions your lessons
and realize
they were wrong.
It has never been anything more than this
and none of this has ever been anything else,
other than what it is, which is this,
which is my thinking is not necessarily right or wrong
and in all fairness
all of this is just another thought in my head.
Understand?
Or maybe this is just another dream,
or another desire, another hope and a hunch
or perhaps this is a need to search for that “one thing,”
that keeps me going.
I want to be more than alive
and to say that I want to live
finally
is an understatement
to say the least
I want to be more than someone who was here
and I want to be more than someone who existed.
I want to mean something.
I want to have value enough to believe in my heart that yes
I have done something
more than just live a life or survive a past.
I want to have purposes and yes, I do have a purpose.
There is a reason for everything
and then again,
there is a reason why everything happens.
For every action, there is a reaction.
Or wait . . .
how about this?
An object at rest remains at rest
and an item remains in motion,
unless opposed by an alternate source.
Right?
I understand these theories, all too well
and in all fairness;
I do not see any of them as theories
but more, I see this as life’s lesson.
Life is one hell of a teacher.
Darkness is one hell of a motivator
and pain is a great coach.
So
learn –
Time is undefeated and so it goes
and so do we.
Onward and outward.
This is life. This is us.
moving and fighting
and wasting too much time while
traveling on a huge planet,
third from the sun.
I have never been anything more than who I am.
I have never been anyone other than me,
although, none of this is for the lack of trying.
I tried to be other people.
I tried to “go along,” so that I could “get along,”
but in the end I could not help but feel like the odd man out
Fitting in
is for the weak
some say
Standing alone
is brave
and therefore, to be brave
we have to dare to be braver than we believe
Or so I beliebe
or so I think
and because I believe
and because I have the capacity to think
or to decipher between the difference
or good or bad
right or wrong
or evil
and the justified actions
or violence
or self-defense;
then I have to understand the bravest fight of all
is to know when to walk away
or to arm your soul
and fight as if Hell was the last option
before losing everything.
It is never going to be anything other than “what it is,”
which is this.
I know in my heart that if I am to be someone,
then I have to act on this behalf
and therefore, I have to do something
to be the someone I want to be
instead of doing things
to be the someone
i never chose to be.
I have to go, be, and do.
I know this.
It is another day in this place,
which I call Project Earth.
I am standing nowhere next to the places I want to be
and yes; I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
I need this time
here in my special blend of paradise and purgatory.
I am in good standing
and in good company
and despite my enemies or those who oppose me;
I am alive and well,
regardless of the attemots
or the efforts to destroy or spoil my determination.
I have to go back to a lesson
which I often regard when listening to an interview
with Bobby Moresco.
I go back to when he said,
“You can always do what you love to do,”
and then he paused before continuing,
“It doesn’t mean anyone is going to pay you to do it,
but no one can stop you.”
And sometimes, this has to be enough.
I might stand alone.
I might remain misunderstood
or unliked or perhaps I am an acquired taste.
Maybe I am ugly.
Maybe I am unsightly to most
or too offputting
or too awkward or maybe I am too much
in too many ways.
But yes, I am as God made me,
even if there is no God
and even if there is nothing more than science
and even if death comes
and the abyss is nothing but some kind of configured darkness
made up by us and our assumptions;
I am who I am and thus,
none of this has to change simply because
I am unread, or unwritten,
or unnoticed, unloved
or unwanted.
I remember being a boy
and wishing I could bas who I’d choose to be.
And sure, there are the ideas of being a fireman
or a policeman or an astronaut
and to be honest, I never wanted to be any of those things.
I never wanted to be the norm
or the typical or common or likewise,
I never wanted to be the in-between or the uninteresting person
voiceless or faceless in the crown of billions.
.
I remember when I learned things,
like the stupid nature of being a kid
and learning how there is no Tooth Fairy
and there is no Santa Claus.
There is no such thing as the Easter Bunny
and the moon is not made of green cheese
and no cow in existence has ever jumped over the moon.
Never happened.
Never will.
This is just something that stupid little kids believe
and in all fairness to me
or to the so-called “inner child,”
those who spoiled the ranks and the dreams
and the regard I had for the above;
I have to admit this now . . .
I was much happier
when I was free to believe in things like the beauty of innocencde
or the refreshing wholesomeness of purity.
I was happier to believe
and be comfortable with the feelings of wonder and excitement
because life was far more possible
when I was free to believe
without the interruption of disappointment.
And in all fairness to this;
I understand why people look to spoil these great things.
I get it.
As I see it,
someone spoiled their fun and someone else made them feel foolish
for believing in something so pure and so beautiful.
So, in connection with the terms of how
“misery loves company,”
like a torch that gets passed
from one social or emotional bully to the next,
people love handing out shadows from their disappointments.
They love this because they detest the freedoms
that other people have
when we have the ability to be happy,
or hopeful.
The Devil cannot kill or make a happy man comply
but turn him to misery
or rob him of his beauty
and people will do ugly things
just to feel beautiful
again.
I was told that I am weak
and stupid and like other sheep needing to be led
I was told that I am part of the flock.
I was told this when I explained to someone that yes,
I do believe in God.
I don’t bother them for not believing
so
don’t bug me
for what I choose to believe.
And no, I am not sure if I believe in God
like others do
or perhaps I appreciate the identity
which I imagine of God the Father
and His long gray beard.
Perhaps I enjoy or find comfort in the idea
that perhaps there is something greater or bigger
or that yes, love is real
and that purity, despite what we see around us
and regardless of the evils in our place;
I enjoy the thought that there is a greater goodness
and likewise, while I understand my own evils,
which I both entertain and condemn;
I know who I am and I know where my heart is.
I know what I have done and I know why.
I know about the torches I have passed.
I know what the word trauma means.
I know about abuse.
I know about regret.
I know what evil looks like
because I have stared evil in the face,
cold and callous, and quite beautiful too
because the truth is
the devil never comes ugly
because how else could he attract us?
I have seen evil
and true ugliness
because regardless of the body that laid dead
or the spirit that was destroyed
the evil did not flinch.
I am not godlike or so evil or so bad
or so far from this thing,
which I seek, which is also called redemption.
I saw a face in my dreams last night.
I saw a terrible thing.
I was there.
I remember.
I am not that person anymore.
And despite the distance between now and then
or despite the growth it took between being the person I was
as opposed to the man I am working to become;
I know why that old and evil person
likes to remind me of who I was
or what I’ve done.
It can be hard to wash blood from our hands
I know.
Just like a bully passing the torch
and spreading the emotional virus,
which is the same thing as someone telling you,
“I’m not the only one who will be played for a fool.”
I know why the evil bullies like to be
our everyday reminders
I chose to stop the terror.
I chose to walk away.
I chose to learn to be different
but the demons around me laugh
and smile and tell me, “don’t worry,”
we know to keep your seat warm . . .
Blessed Father forgive me.
Save me from myself
and save me from the remnants of my sins.
I am no longer afraid of my enemies
but my friends tend to scare me sometimes.
Save me from my own despair
because in all fairness, I have encountered bullies
and I have seen and experienced violence.
I have been beaten in more ways than one.
And yes, it is safe to say
that I am still feeling the pain
from my personal and social wounds.
But I am here now.
I am ready.
I have seen all kinds of bullies
but none of them are as mean or painful
or as ferocious to me
as the bully within.
Blessed father
Save me from me.
I am too old to die and too young to be this old.
I am too afraid
I am too gun-shy when it comes
to the experience of real life or true love.
Let me get away from myself
so that I can bring back the purity
which was robbed from me.
Let me be like a kid again.
Let me believe.
Let me be me without apology
and let me do this
without the worry that who I am is not enough.
Let me make this happen
without the fear of those who love to remind me how
they were there too
and that I am like them
when no
I am not . . .
Or fine.
Blessed Father
if there is no God
and if this is a waste or if I am still that stupid kid
or weak like a sheep in need of a flock
or if I am too weak
because I need something to believe in –
Then so be it.
Then let me be me
but also
let me train.
Let me gain strength
Let me be brutal
because when the bullies come for me again,
let me be able to defend myself
so that in the end,
their voices will disappear
and at last, I will be at peace
Someone told me that I am weak at heart.
I dared them to come forward and try me.
They laughed.
And the Devil laughs too
(when we give in)
The Written Addiction 