Dear Amends,
I know that I have to meet you halfway, or all the way, if I am going to be true to this.
I have to go all the way now, even if no one accepts me (or this) and even if I remain unforgiven, I still have to bend at the knee and be humble.
I have to do this for no other reason than to rid myself from the past and my past aggressions, intrusions and invasions can no longer have power over me.
Let the blackmailers have their day in court.
Yes. I am guilty.
I painted the door black.
I signed on the dotted line and therefore, I have to pay for what I agreed to.
I fulfilled the negative contracts that designed to defy the world around me with hopes that I could be selfish and satisfied.
I write these truths to be self-evident and although I am here to hold myself in a better esteem and walk amongst the promised ones, I acknowledge that I have walked with the damned. I have done things that are unforgivable and unacceptable.
I have fallen alongside the demons and enjoyed their sorcery.
And yes, I took their tricks.
I lived with a selfish heart.
I did this.
I know about the “me first,” life and the selfish agendas. I know what I have done to satisfy my greed or my pride, my ego, my thirst, my hunger and my lust.
I admit to this with a bowed head, as if to seek forgiveness before God the father, Himself, and I pray in the act of humble submission. I clasp my hands with the holiest of thoughts and an attitude that is seeking to purge myself from sin. I ask this with my eyes closed and forehead bent softly forward as I request to be forgiven for my trespasses, regardless of those who trespassed against me.
I admit that I have fallen and that I have stolen, manipulated, lied; and admittedly, I have failed you. I have failed the ones I love.
I have failed my friends and yes, I have myself enough times without having the dignity to stand up and try again.
I quit before I began and lost before the game started. However, I am beginning to see the patterns which caused me to waste myself on things like worry, or fear and insecurity.
I wasted much of my life on emotional goals that came with diminishing returns.
My selfishness robbed me and thus; I robbed you as well.
I am sorry.
I allowed my pride to guide me in the worst directions and as for my ego; I realize that my ego is the biggest weakling. Therefore, my average strength is weak at best.
The madness around me is evidence enough to realize that at best, we are all a little crazy.
I am not crazy or sick, but I can say that I am far from well and that I can be insane at times, if not certifiable.
However, excuses are excuses. Explanations are explanations and to you, my dear, sweet amends, I have come here with my hat in hand to seek you out.
I am humbled like a child before the Lord and openly grieving for the losses and the harms which I have caused.
I am me and therefore, I have always been me.
Nothing can change this and this this has always been so, even when I was pretending to be somebody else.
So to you, perhaps I am the sum of my mistakes or the calculation of an outside prediction that said, “don’t worry about him. He’ll get what he deserves!”
I agree . . .
I got more than what I deserved.
I am burning.
Crumbling.
Hurting
But I am not so weak or crumbled that I cannot stand up and say that I am wroing.
And I am . . .
I am wrong.
And so, one became two and two became four and every prediction both doubled and then tripled against me; and just like a bad bet at a blackjack table, all of my attempts to get ahead fell like a string of dominoes.
One by one, I started to see my losses mount and one by one, I started to recognize that this was all self-inflicted.
The world around me fell apart, one by one, because life is consecutive and hence, so is Karma. And so are my falls and so is the world, eventual and inevitable, falling down in stages like tiny bottles shot down for bullet practice. . .
My life for the will. My will for my life.
My heart for my soul. My soul for my world.
my plea for your forgiveness
even if I am unforgiven
at least, i can say that I fessed-up.
I dared the line and said what I did.
And I did just that,
I did this.
despite the fact that I am wrong,
I am heartily wrong
And so, I offer myself to thee, to take from me, to build with me, to destroy me, to either regard me or to walk away and never look back again.
The choices you make are all beyond me and now that this is out there, I have no right to be mad or recalibrate the shift of blame.
No.
This is all on me.
I am the sum of my fears and the estimate of my limitations which has always been the ceiling that kept me from floating away.
I acted out of my worst form of selfishness.
And worse –
I hurt you, the only soul I believed I could trust.
Nothing is forever.
Not even Hell.
All things have a timeline.
And for now, whether my penance is served or my plea for is accepted or granted; I offer myself to you, my sweet amends.
I have sinned.
I have stolen.
I have lied and cheated.
I have crossed all of the seven deadly sins and with no reason to forgive me and no excuses to make up for my crimes, I sit here before you.
Yes. It was me.
I did this.
I was wrong.
I apologize.
I will work to refill the divots and the holes that I dug in the spirits and the souls or those who I have harmed.
I have no excuse
There is no explanation.
I own my sins because no matter what or how I tried to justify myself –
I was wrong
Please, forgive me
I love you
The Written Addiction 