A Note From Self

Hey you . . .

Are you ready for some honesty? There will come a time and no one will be there to help or save you.
This has happened to us before, no?
Some people will live in the wrong place with the wrong people, just to keep from being alone.
And they will lie about this. They will lie about who they are and who they love or don’t love.
But this will be there life.
A lie.

Either way, there will be a time when you have to face the truth.
This is always going to be unavoidable.
The consequences are going to come.
No one gets away their entire life. And everyone has to face their truths.

There will be a time when it feels like someone must have hit the breaks; and bam. The car takes a crash. Only, you forgot to put on your seatbelt, and you fly from your seat and blast through the windshield.
I get that.

No one will be there to distract you or help you fake and act as if everything ‘s fine.
And by the way, no one talks about this.
But this is real.
There will be a time when you have to face the world alone.
And whether this comes fast or slow, or whenever it comes up and especially when this happens out of nowhere, be mindful that this is part of life too.

Consequences are real.
We all have to pay . . .
. . . and there is mo such thing as a free meal.

I am sure that it is nice to love someone and to be loved in return. However, love does not conquer all and love does not stop the natural order of life.
So, whether we pretend or whether we act as if, or whether we bury ourselves in a life that was settled upon and negotiated; there is no hiding from the truth anymore.

lies are lies, no matter what.

It has been years or maybe it seems like it has been decades since the time I found myself alone in a small place. I was alone in the truest form and in every sense of the word.
I was alone. Goddammit!
I was tired and restless and yet, there was no sleep that could solve this sort of feeling. There was no rest that could alleviate this kind of tiredness.
I was empty to say the least, which is not an uncommon thing after we face the aftermath of events.

I talk about the spiral that turns out of control.
I talk about how we lose ourselves to our thinking or we lose to our anxiety, and how we lose to this like water loses to a drain.

Not everyone stands tall.
Not everyone keeps their word.
Not everyone who promises you their love and kindness are able to come through, and while the painful awareness comes along to announce that yes, this is it; you face the awareness that not everyone is as they seem.

I believed in the wrong person.
I believed in a lie.
I was sleeping in the basement of an old house with cobwebs.
I was told not to worry and that I would never be alone, —but do you know where I was when I heard this?
I was alone.
I was alone and somewhat homeless and financially drained worse than when I was a broke kid and driving a beat-up, blue Chevy.

I lost it all. I lost everything.
I lost my dignity and my self-respect.
I lost my sanity as well because this is what happens when you realize that everything you believed was a lie.
It is hard to stay sane or hold it down and keep yourself together.

I believed a lie.
I trusted and I bet on the wrong horse.
I lost.
And I lost myself in the mix.
I lost my heart. I lost hope.
I lost money. I lost a business that I dreamed of building.
I lost friends.
I eventually lost my job, which was at the time, which was more of a blessing in disguise.

It’s funny too.
I shake my head about how the nostalgia of seasons bring back old memories and how the narcissist loves to bring out the denial. I love how they love to point fingers or accuse and say how none of this is their fault.

I am amazed and yet, no. I am not amazed at all.
I have watched people throughout my life.
I have met people who sold their goods and acted innocent.
And I have been blinded and fooled and gullible and worse, I drank their juice, so-to-speak, and I took the bait. Hook. Line. And sinker.

There can only be so much pain until the body goes numb.
Or so I think.
Or thought.
There can only be so much damage that we can take, —and to be clear; I believe that I have taken enough.
At least for this life

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them!”
Yes. I have been told this too.

Lies are lies no matter how pretty they are and no matter how beautiful the delivery is; liars are still liars and there is no ugliness like the beautiful one who lies and smiles.

I agree.

Three years ago . . .
I remember.
“Maybe something is about to come your way. You know?”

I hope so too.
The cracks I hear from the foundation as they creak in the night keep me awake at night.

“Is that what keeping you awake?”
Well . . . no
it’s the idea that I was hurt and never healed and that I trusted but I never dared, if that makes sense.

“Maybe we can put this behind us so that you and I can be ready for what’s next. Maybe then we can enjoy what lies ahead.”

Maybe. . .
Today is the first day in May.
Let’s see what this month has to bring

“Good idea”

“You do know you can let go now, if you want to, right?”
“No one is holding on to you anymore. So, why hold on to anyone else?”

Makes sense.
I suppose time takes time to teach us how to get better.
So, will I see you tomorrow?
“Do you not see me every day?”
I know . . .
I suppose I just needed some reassurance.

“I know! That’s why no matter what or who, at least you know that I am always going to be here”

Good.
Ineeded that

Love always
Self