I want to find myself here, on my own steam, living a life which I created by the steam of my works.
I want to find myself on the Pacific side of our country,
alone, looking out into the vastness of a peaceful blue sea.
Behind me are the palm trees and the Malibu lives,
Santa Monica, L.A., and even the hills,
the big Hollywood sign, the canyons,
and the sunsets,
which are unlike anything I have ever seen.
I am thinking of you now, young as you are, thinking about what you know and how much things will change for you.
I go back to me as a young boy, thinking about what I knew when I was as young as you are now and swearing by the things I believed, which at the time I thought were fact, but in fact, most of what I believed was true was never really true at all.
In the terms of a fight between two people, there are only two options to consider. The first option is the less attractive of the two, which is to lose and lose painfully. The second option of course is the more glorious of the two, which is to win. Fist against fist, skin against skin, two people enter the physical negotiation between them until only one of them stands at the end.
Beforehand, the other option is to walk away or talk this out as adults. But when it gets this far, adulthood has little to do with the options we choose.
It is easy for someone to say, “Just don’t think about it,” and act as if this is easy enough for someone else to do.
(There goes that word “Just” again)
When it comes to depressive thinking, telling someone, “Just don’t think about it,” suggests our thinking is a choice, which, maybe it is or maybe it isn’t. Keep in mind, this is neither a medical forum nor am I a professional with a professional opinion. However, I am someone that has lived with depression, which means I understand the struggles on how to interact with my thinking.
Remember something . . .
No classroom teaches experience. You can learn all the theories and you can learn about the ins and outs. You can learn about anything you want but nothing teaches us like experience does.
Experience is something you live through. Experience is when all the lessons in schoolbooks and all the theories go to the wayside.
It comes down to what’s in your gut.
Moving away from the old programs, I agree, there are times when we look around, we look at ourselves, we look at our attempts to change, and then we shake our head because we think, “Why bother? It’s not working anyway.”
Then we sabotage ourselves without even noticing. We create our own self-fulfilled prophecy. We fail and then we say to ourselves, “Look, see? I told you so!”
I was more than two hours into a three hour summertime drive. I was heading back up to an upstate world. I was miles away from the city and miles away from populated towns and overcrowded streets. After a while, everything looks the same on roads like this.
The road is long, straight, and seems to be unending. There are trees and the mountains on either side of me. The fields, the empty pastures, the occasional barns, the fields with cows, the occasional farm, and the scattered deer alongside the road; everything looked this way, pastoral and peaceful. Everything was so green and calming, of course, like a ride out to the country should be.