A Letter From Self

We are rounding another corner, you and I.
More happens each day and sometimes, too much happens. Am I right?
And this always sees to happen, all at once.
I agree.
I agree that our plate is full. I agree that the tension can be thick, at times, or like now.
See?

It is quiet now.
The morning is about to unfold and for now, nothing is pressing.
Nothing is about to explode. And I agree, there are things which are happening, and they are not all too pleasant and the people we face are not all too kind.
I understand this.

I understand your pain. I understand why you are frustrated because, after all, I am you.
I have been you for a very long time.
Or closer to the heart, I have been you since your first heartbeat began, nearly 54 years ago.
That’s a long time to be somebody.

I was there when you learned not to write on the walls. I was there when you used to hide things in your closet and keep them like little treasures and tiny secrets.
I was there when you trusted your stuffed animals with your thoughts because there was no one else to tell.
And I was there when you found out that life is not what you assumed, —or that adults are not always right or kind and that yes, people of all ages have their own agenda.

I agree.

I agree the burdens are great and heavy and I agree that life can be much.
I also agree when Nietzsche said, “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.”
I remember when Jim Carroll took a stab at this too.
Jim wrote about Nietzsche and said “what doesn’t kill me, only serves to make me sleep until 3:30 the next afternoon.”
And we understand this too, from an intimate and different angle.
But you and I do not deal with those “little packages” anymore.
So, that which does not kill me, or us, only proves to me that life is always moving and I can either live and breathe or drown in emotional quicksand.
I can live and breathe or die alive and drown in thin air.

It is amazing to me to see how far we have come. It is also amazing to me how many times you and I have fallen.
And this is why I bring up Nietzsche and his thoughts about strength.
I often hear people tell us about being strong.

We hear things like –
You’re so strong.
You’ve been through so much?
And?
So?
What does this mean?
What does this prove?
That I can take a beating and keep coming back?

we hear people say –
You’ve been through this before
Or, you’ve been through worse before.

Whatever I’ve been through and no matter how strong you and I may be, I am sure the both of us would rather be weaker and go through less shit.
Just because I have endured pain does not mean I want more.
And that’s why I used to hurt myself when we were younger. This way I would never be afraid of pain.
I could eat it.
I could take it.
I could depend on it.
Remember?

It is unkind, at times.
The world, I mean.

It is hard too.
Life, I mean.

It hurts.
Love, I mean

It is scary and dark and often lonesome and old.
This is us in the unknown.

Whether we have been through worse is not applicable. The only thing that is applicable is that we are here.
Right now.

Yesterday’s rain came along.
I know.
And the clouds remain but the afternoon is supposed to clear up.
That’s the only way we can see this.

It cannot rain forever.
No one can kill you forever.
No one can stop you
No one can make you quit because all of the above are just moments in time, —understand?
Everything is always changing which means the tides from the oceans rush in and the tides go out.
you and I have to dig our heels in the sand to keep us from being washed out to sea.

I get that.
I understand that you and I have made some choices.
I understand that we are now where we want to be and nor is this anywhere close to it.
But this is just another moment in time.

We have a game to play.
I understand the scoreboard looks intimidating.
I understand what it takes to play hurt.
I know what it means to be tired.
and sleepless
and lethargic . . .
But we have a game to play.
the clock is ticking and there are no more timeouts.

No one understands
And that’s fine.
No one needs to.

We understand
We know
We see
We hurt
We run
We work
We wake in the morning
We move until the evening
We sleep when we can
We eat
We breathe
We live and we die.
pain is part of this
So is joy.
So is love
So are the moments in the sun, like the time we found that shell on Point Lookout.

“love her.”
that’s all you can do.

That’s life.
Do you remember when we worked the hospitals?

Do you remember the first fatality?
He was a young kid.
We was someone who bought a bag from a local dealer and overdosed in his wealthy neighborhood clothes.

Do you remember the head nurse and what she said?
She saw we were hurt.
She knew we never saw this before.
At least, she knew we never saw this at a professional level.
We saw death before.
But we were “in the life” then.
We left that life to never see this again.

She knew why we were sad and she understood.
But we had a game to play.

The head nurse told us, “He’s gone!”
The young boy was on a machine that breathed for him.
The parents thought they had enough money to bring him back to life.
The Mother could not speak English.
But she asked us the only word she knew how to ask.
“Why?”

The head nurse said, “I don’t care what the family tells you. He’s not coming back.”
Then she told us, “You are on call! Get it together”

She said, “Benny, you need to do this. Someone else is going to call and you are going to be deployed again. Get yourself together and go!”
She said this hard and stern.
She was almost cold.
But no.
She was more “matter of fact.”
This was the hardest, coldest and most truthful advice I have ever heard in my life.

We sat in the car.
Remember.
We cried.
Remember?
And then we went back to be deployed again.

Life is moving.
No matter what.
Life will not allow us to feel or pause or wait because our feelings are hurt.
Life itself is unemotional.
We are the emotional ones.
Get it together, kid
We have a game to play.

We did what we did and we made it through.
And so, now is one of those times.

Get it together.
Make it through
We’ll go cry in the car if we have to.
Don’t worry.
I’m not going to tell anyone.
But we have to go.

Are you ready?
Good
because it’s time.
So, go get your keys
I’ll be waiting in the car

And . . .
You better love her with all of your heart

just like you
She was hurt too.

let’s go . . .