I think like anyone else does.
I’d like to be free. I’d like to get away.
I’d like to take a trip or maybe find somewhere that I could rest and not think so much.
I’m sure that you understand.
I know that you have been through things like this before too.
Everyone has.
We all go through our ups and downs. Or at least, so they tell me.
And that’s the thing about life.
No one gets out alive.
It is not far from me now. At least, I hope not.
And of course, you ask me, “What’s not far?”
I believe the answer is not far.
I’m closer to knowing the truth now.
I am one step closer or one step farther away from something.
Good or bad. I don’t know what this is.
I just know that I am where I am, and I wish that I could be somewhere else.
It has been way too long since I have felt the breeze across my skin. It has been longer since I have felt the weight lift from my chest. But then again, this is life sometimes.
Life does not care whether we find the times easy or hard. And yes, life is hard. The truth can be hard to swallow as well. And all of this is real, and all of this is true.
I am no different from anyone else down here on Project Earth.
At least, for now.
I don’t mind being present.
I don’t mind the subjects of change.
I’d like to see changes come my way and watch as my life improve.
But for now, this is what it is.
I often wonder if I missed my window. I wonder if I missed my chance to be “someone” which of course; this is crazy because I already am “someone.”
Good or bad. I am definitely someone.
or so I hope.
I have always wanted to be someone.
But more, I want to be someone to you..
I wonder about the angst and the anticipation which builds my anxiety. I wonder why we have that feeling of impending doom, as if something is always about to happen, or go wrong, and someone is always lurking, and at any minute the sky is falling, or the ground is going to fall out from underneath my feet.
I can’t be the only one who has these thoughts.
can I?
I can’t be the only one who is frustrated with what I see or think or feel.
Am I?
I used to take long walks in the morning. I used to live in a nice place with nice scenery and long, quiet roads that look country-like and felt private enough to offer me a redeeming feel of solitude.
Those things are gone now.
Everything is gone. At least, in some ways.
I don’t live where I used to.
I don’t live the way I used to either. I don’t think the way I used to think, and I don’t feel the way that I used to feel.
What’s gone is gone.
I know this now.
And there is no coming back.
I get that.
I am sorry for the lack of communication. I am sorry for the times I lost my way.
I am sorry for the way things unfolded, and I am sorry for the way I handled myself.
I was told about the way we are sometimes.
I was told that selfish, self-centeredness is like a disease, —and to be honest, I can see this.
I can see why this is said and I can see how this degrades us as people.
I don’t want this for us or for you.
I want the sunsets. I want to see the sunrise and feel hope that something good is about to come my way.
I have had to let go of so many things, —including you, and including the old version of me or the unhealthy mindset that drained me the most.
These things had to become a thing of the past.
I want the best for you.
I want the best for both of us.
I want to see the world now.
I want to let go of all the abandoned hopes that went wrong.
More than anything, I want more for myself.
That’s all.
But more, I want to be happy.
Is that so bad?
no.
I didn’t think so either.
But I guess I had to ask you
even though you
are long gone
for a long time
you know?
The Written Addiction 