From The Daddy Diaries: 29 Years-

Every so often, I go on a website that calculates days between then and now. For example, the other day, I was trying to figure out how many times I’ve experienced the sunrise in my life.
The answer today would be 16,901. This means I’ve been around for that many mornings. That’s 2414 weeks and 3 days, or 46 years, 3 months, and 9 days to be exact, which is strange because the numbers seem odd to me.

I understand this is how many days I’ve been a live but to put this to a number is strange for some reason. Maybe the numbers make it too simple and in my mind, the sum of those numbers are more than just math; these are the days of my life.
Within that time, I have seen thing, learned things, and felt things. I have gone through the wars in my own head. I have survived troubled times and saw great things, like true love and how love has the ability to change the way we see life.
Throughout this time, I have learned how to read and write. I learned how to ride a bicycle. I learned that yellow and blue make green. I learned that if you plant a seed, water it,  nurture it, and let the sun do its trick; I’ve learned that seed will grow and flourish.
I have also learned that sometimes, we need to plant more seeds to make our gardens grow. And of course, I mean this in more of a figurative than literal sense.

Over the last 16,901 days, I have experienced a full range of emotions. I have seen life happen. I have seen birth and rebirth. Sadly, I have seen death happen as well.

I have had 46 birthdays. Not all of them were exceptionally great nor was any of them totally tragic. Most of my birthdays are unmemorable now because, well, this is something that happens with age.
I’m older now. My body does things which are different than say, the way my body would react when I was 18 or 19.

I see things differently now. I feel things differently. I suppose this is because my intentions have changed throughout the years. My intensity has also changed
My outlook has changed and one could say that I’ve matured. One could say that I’ve grown. One could argue that I’ve remained the same or changed, only to realize I was better off the way I was.
Either way, I’m still me. And I will always be me. But as I grow, as I mature, and as I learn what honors me most and what suits me best, I will change and grow and learn to strip the layers of me, which are no longer necessary because this is life and these are the lessons we learn.

Put simply, life can alter in one second of time. Literally, within one second of time, life can change by a decision or be forever altered as a result of a circumstance, which is beyond our control.

Over the last 2,414 weeks and 3 days and effectively at around 6:45 this morning on today’s date of December 29, 2018, I have lived through 405624 hours of time. Safe to say, I have seen many things in those hours. I have found myself in all different types of places. Some of them were haunting and others were uplifting.

I have felt great things and heard great things too. I have felt the touch of my Grandmother and listened to her bedtime stories.  I watched her make me a bagel in her little kitchen when she lived in her apartment at 100 Lincoln Road in Miami Beach, Florida. And to this date, I have never had a breakfast as good as that one.

I’m not sure how many days have gone between then and now. I’m not sure how many days have passed since the time I caught my first fish on the pier at a place called Shinecock Canal. I just know it was a cold November day.
(Remember?)
I’m not sure how many days have passed since I hit a golf ball from the tee to the green on the fourth of a nine-hole golf course in Cantiaque Park. I don’t know how many days have gone between the time when I did my first offshore trip out of Montauk. I caught my first tuna while we dragged lures on a troll behind a boat called The Kenglo.

I know that my years are broken down in seasons from summer to autumn, autumn to winter, and then winter to spring. I know that in autumn, leaves change color and then they fall. They crumble in winter and then reappear in spring to make the world green again.
I like that . . .
In the summertime, our side of the world moves closer to the sun. The weather is warm and the days are long. The summer nights are alive in a special way.
And it goes this way for the most part; we live, we learn, and we find ourselves living in the cycle of seasons.
There will be times to rejoice and times when we weep. I know it says this in Ecclesiastes 3: There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens.
I get that . . .

There was a time to play catch in the empty field behind the ball field on Merrick Avenue, which is where I learned how to catch and throw a baseball. There was a time for me to learn how to tie my shoes and a time when I learned how to tie a fishing line to a hook.
There was a time when I learned about the different formation of the clouds. This is when I learned about cloud structures; I learned about the cumulus, cirrus, and stratus clouds.

On this day, however, effective at approximately 7:05 this morning on December 29, 2018, it has been 10,592 days since you have passed away. This means you passed away, 29 years ago today.
Throughout the last 1,513 weeks and 1 day and over the last 254,208 hours, I have had to learn how to live my life without you, my Father, The Old Man. My Pop.

So much has happened since then. I have done great things and I have done things that fell short of my best possible ability.
I have grown. I have aged and I have learned. I have become a man and I have matured. Over the last 29 years, I have experienced life, which is what we all do.
Whether we like it or not, life happens. Regardless to our opinion of life’s terms, life does what it does.
I have fallen, I have rebounded. I have failed and I have succeeded. I have learned to live differently and I have learned to love differently.
However, above all things; I have never forgotten you. I have never stopped loving you and not a day passes that will change the one most unalterable fact in my world; You will always be my very first hero.

I remember going home with Mom the night they put you on a machine. And I’m sorry I left but I had to leave Pop. I couldn’t see you that way. I couldn’t see you tied to a machine.
I couldn’t see you look this way because to me, you were the strongest man I’ll ever know. You weren’t a machine. You were my Father.
You brought me into this world and no matter how many days come between now and then, nothing can ever change this fact.

I understand that I am of the flesh and you are of the spirit. And from now until the last day of my tour down here on Project Earth, I understand that I still have some things to do. I have people to meet and things to see. I have more to accomplish and much more to learn. And I get that.

I’m not sure how long it will be until we see each other again. I just know that time in a sense will eventually be timeless and when we meet again, it will be as though no time has ever passed between us

But for now, I will close with this.
I miss you, Pop.

I’m sorry I don’t go to the cemetery that much anymore. I don’t like it there. That’s where dead people live. But not you. Not Mom. No, I see you both somewhere together, far, far away from here.

Blessed Father, watch over me. Watch over my loved ones and help guide me so that I can be half the man my Old Man was to me



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