The Book of Chaos: Competition

I find that I am in a constant state of competition
with myself, which is not to say
that this is a race or that there is a first place,
second, third or last.
No.
This is more than just a physical match,
but mental as well, and emotional
and even educational to some degree because
as I go along, I find that I have been given
a series of inaccurate ideas
as well as lived in accordance
to a plethora of misinformation.

I find that now is the time to update my thinking.
Now is the time to question what I thought,
or believed, or took for granted
or simply assumed that, yes,
this is what my life was supposed to be.
But life changes.
I find that now is the perfect time
to reevaluate my position
and assess my situation
both honestly and constructively.

I need to come to a constructive conclusion
so that I can begin my state of rebuilding
and before I allow myself
to lose to another competition, which isn’t even real,
I have to understand the rules of the game which,
most often, the rules of the game are on a sliding scale
and they’re always changing, which I get it . . .
None of this should be a surprise anymore,
but even the mundane or mediocre has changes
to deal with.
And so do I. . . .

Here it is, the start of a new season.
The red-breasted robins
have returned to the scene of the crime
and spring is about to make its way,
and make us warm again.
(Soon)

I am a weary traveler yet, I have this race of mine,
or this competition, which means that
I have so much ground to cover.
I have more miles to put beneath my feet
and more paths which will split
and destinations which will sever
and roads that will no longer run parallel.
Life is changing.
Just like the seasons.

I find that I am in a position to circle back,
or as they say, I am in the position to come “full circle”
and go back where I began once before
so I can learn from my mistakes
(this time)
and start a better life; as if to say
out with the old
and in with the new.

It is time.
Now.
I find that I am losing to a match that no longer exists.
However, the games we play in our heads
are the way we keep our chaos alive
and well, and breathing.

It is no longer accurate for me
to have the same fears as
when I was younger or when I saw myself as weaker
or less-than.

I am not as strong as I hope to be; but then again,
I am not as weak as I used to be either,
or otherwise, if I was,
I don’t believe that I would have the strength
or courage to do what it takes
to face this next chapter,
or to dare the world
and still believe in love.

I have learned
and grown
and achieved and now that I am here,
it is safe to say that my old intimidations are just that –
old.

Safe to say that I will never find myself
in the same old places and more,
it is even safer to say that
as I find myself in a new position,
or if I am working to learn and learning to work,
I no longer have to surrender to my old intimidations
or give way to my old limitations
because, of course, I am not so limited
anymore . . .

I have grown. I have adapted.
I have matured, and like the story in Greek Mythology
where Icarus, son of Daedalus, who was warned
and who crashed because he was told
not to fly too high or too close to the sun
because of his wax-coated wings, and rather than listen
or heed the warnings; Icarus perished
and fell to the rarth, and no differently than Icarus,
I have fallen too and perished
and learned from my heights and falls
and from the crashes
that sent me to the ground.

I have learned
however,
my learning means nothing
if I fail to practice the lessons.

It is not beyond me or you to realize
that most of our downfalls are self-inflicted— hence,
this is why I find myself where I am now,
locked in a steady competition,
and trying hard to steady my pace
or strengthen my spine
and my arms, just in case,
I have the chance to fly.

I have to regain my composure
to push myself
and to promote my steps that begin
from the bottoms of the foothills
and lead me to the tops of the mountains
or higher upon the tallest peaks.

And, even though Chaos is a common theme
and a common friend to most of us;
or, even when Chaos is unwanted perhaps,
and intrusive.

I’d agree to say
that no one can come in without knocking,
and more to the point,
no one can enter my domain
unless invited, or if we open the door
and grant them access.

Chaos is often self-imposed
or conscious—at least in the subconscious mind,
and so,
understand that Chaos is often premeditated
because the mind follows assumptions
and the fears look at what we see
and yes, the eyes tend to look towards a direction
that can lead us to crash or perish
or like Icarus, fall to our deaths,
even if we are still alive.

So,
if you don’t like what you see,
then you can always look away,
or try something new,
or change your steps, change your mind
and change your direction;
or change your patterns
and remove the old habits
which have become engrained
and keep working to oppose the old ways
until the oddness of your new changes
becomes welcomed,
as if this were the new norm.

I never say that change is easy
nor do I say that change is always wanted;
but in either case, change is part of life
and sometimes, the resistance of change
can strengthen our resolve
so we can stand up for ourselves
and walk away
if we need to.

Change your actions to change your thinking.
Change your thinking to change your feelings.
Change your feelings to change your chemistry,
which essentially, is our emotion
or the after-product of thoughts and feelings,
which can grow to become disproportionate to size;
hence, this can change your chemistry.
However, if we can regain control
or if we can improve our chemistry
by changing the way we act,
or think, or feel
then we can change our life, both incrementally
and
successfully.

And me?
I am in constant competition now, with myself, of course.
And I have to improve, not just physically,
or emotionally and spiritually,
or educationally, but fully and wholeheartedly;
I have to change my steps
so that I can change my fate
and improve my stars
or the moon which, incidentally,
looks perfect this time of year.

I have to do this
Otherwise, I should be prepared for “more of the same,”
and to me, more of the same
is what keeps me stuck in the regrettable yesterdays
and stuck with the resentments of unfulfilled moments,
which tend to rest in the mind . . .
and keep us crazy!