You look and you try.
You wonder and you dream, and you imagine,
and then perhaps you barter and you trade,
you negotiate and often you compromise
to find that “thing” which I have been telling you about.
And you want this.
You really do,
You want to find this in whichever form
or in whatever way this appeals to you; and as you go,
you take notice of “what was,”
to prevent what happened
from happening again.
You take note
You envision and you build, and you create
and you construct, and often, you destroy
the older molds of what you thought satisfaction
would look like.
So, you wipe the slate clean
or go back to the old drawing board, as they say
but only to adapt or to improve,
or to coincide with our life
and our new intentions,
we let go of what was
with hopes to understand what is
and what will be
You walk around and pass your spots
which have been part of your life
yet, even the familiar spots
become like a stranger now
or should I say “now,”
as in “now” that we have outgrown our past,
and realized the need to a new future.
You walk and you look and you see,
you shake your head
or maybe you shake your fist at the sky.
Or maybe you find yourself alone
for the moment.
Or maybe not. And this is good
(to not be alone anymore, I mean)
Maybe your eyes are open
a little wider this morning,
and you see clearly now
and as you make your way through
the commonality of missed opportunities
or poor choices
and as you walk your way
through this side of purgatory,
you look to find your place in this world,
where heaven still exists,
and you look to add those special details,
which fill the heart, or soothes the soul,
or, at minimum,
you try to find at least a semblance of peace
or of sanity so that somehow,
you can come together,
even if only in your mind,
even if its only for a minute
and find a moment of rest.
I say that
everyone has a dream or a need
to find a place of prayer,
at least of some kind,
which is not to be compared to a house of worship,
nor a religious attitude
but at the same time,
we all want to find a place
where we can be safe or find balance,
or a place where we can find rest,
or be safe from the outside world
and away from the outside opinions
or the basic and daily intrusion
of certain “people, places and things.”
Everyone wants to find that place
where they belong
or to be somewhere
to find that place of Zen,
or to find a private sanctuary,
or somewhere divine, or someplace
where dignity takes hold, and ah,
finally, you can breathe in and out
without the contaminants of a toxic world
or a toxic life.
I’ll tell you this now,
it takes a lot to walk away
or to stand up or to say, “No” or “No more,”
or just to say “when”
as if to say,
“that’s all for me, folks. . .
. . . I’ve had enough!”
It takes a lot to recognize
the emotional investments we make
and to recognize our losses, and cut them
or to separate ourselves, and get out
or to get away,
or to walk away without looking back
or without regret
but it’s better this way.
it’s better to realize the truth
before reinvesting more,
and walking away with nothing
or, what I like to call
“emotional bankruptcy.”
It takes a lot for anyone
to choose to stand on their own two feet,
or to forgo their hopes
or let go of their plans
and to change their visions
of what their future might have been.
It takes a lot to decide to change
and alter your future, or to walk away from your past
and the old comforts.
It takes a lot to create a new future,
which is not to say that the future is ever set,
but more, this is a stamp
to recognize that life is ongoing.
This is written to document
my understanding that the future is always evolving
and ever-changing or rearranging as we go.
Nothing is ever still
nor can life (or live) survive in a vacuum.
No, life is like the earth,
always moving and always changing
and always unfolding with another minute
to be used by us, or to be taken
for another minute’s worth
because once the minutes are gone,
they’re gone, and so are we,
never to be heard from again.
It’s okay to say goodbye to “what was.”
We have to be mindful though.
We have to be willing to say hello to “what is,”
so that we can enjoy
the culmination of “what will be.”
I know the picture has changed,
but at least I know
that I have the ability
to draw the plans
or the blueprints in my head
to form and create a new life.
I know that life has changed.
But some things will never change
Like my needs –
like, warmth for the hand,
an appeal to my touch,
a fantasy, a breath below the moonlight,
some candlelight
and someone who I can sit next to and say, ah
yeah. This is it . . .
and just breathe my future breaths
and so on.
The Written Addiction 