1)
I want to leave it all out there.
Do you know what I mean?
I don’t want to ever hold back again,
or be common or commonplace enough
to be side-swiped by some mediocre life
or to live in some basic or mundane existence
where I find myself aimless or aimlessly walking around,
like say, somewhere in Midtown,
caught in the undertow of some unfulfilled
or everyday world.
I don’t want to pretend or act,
or suppose or think
or find myself in the mix of everyday people
who have no backbone or truth,
or no balls behind their word
and worse, I don’t want to become
so mindless that my body
knows what to do without my mind’s input,
or otherwise, life is nothing more
than a surface-level habit.
unenthused or flat,
or fake.
I don’t want to become a robot
or to become so robotic
that my life becomes nothing else
but lifeless or otherwise,
living while not being alive; hence,
life like this is nothing more than a cookie-cutter
or assembly-line existence.
No, I want more.
I don’t want to leave anything
else up to chance.
I’m at where I’m at.
I am caught between the crosshairs of here and now,
which is perfect,
especially if I allow this to become
my turning point.
This moment right here?
This can become a defining moment
and more and more,
I can allow myself the momentum to define
what it takes to break free
from the membranes of an unfulfilled life
or some sad, flowerless voice
or colorless existence.
There are too many things to be done
and not enough time on the clock,
which means this moment
is far more precious than
I have ever considered . . .
So why waste it on the unwanted
or the undeserving?
It is a new morning.
Everything behind me is gone now,
which includes a life that I thought I’d have
which has opened my eyes to an understanding
that not everything is as it seems,
nor should this become my problem to own
or claim.
The world is a series of combinations
and whether I am aligned or in sync,
or whether I am supposed to go or stay,
I know the world is moving
and whether I stand or fall, pass or fail
or try or not . . .
at least, I can say that I stood up.
I stood to face the weight of my world
no matter what, and faults and all,
I can say that I didn’t leave anything
up to the judges.
If I win or if I won anything
well . . .
then this was because I fought with all of my heart
and if I lost, then I lost, and I lost heartily
but no one can tell me that I didn’t fight back
or that I didn’t stand up
or that I didn’t try
or that I never had the balls
to do what it takes
or to take one step forward.
There is no safe life anymore.
There is no more trials and error
when it comes to the course of common
or everyday mediocrity.
I don’t ever want to rewind
or revert back to my old self
or to my old settings
where my life or my happiness
becomes dependent upon others
or some outside source
which would either dictate or determine
the details of my life
or my happiness.
No, that belongs to me.
I have always said, if it is up to me,
then it is up to me.
Everything else is out of my control.
All I can do is put it all out there
and decide what kind of life I want to live
and after that, my next move is simple.
It’s a playing a little game called
“Make it So!”
2)
I have to say that freedom can be found
at any given moment.
It all depends upon the directions we face.
Therefore, if I am to move ahead,
then I can no longer be caught up
by the concepts
of all that is left behind me.
I have to remove myself from the trash
or the rubbish from yesterday’s unwanted moments,
and let them go.
And so,
if I am to move ahead or to go onwards,
or forwards, then the only way to achieve this
is to move ahead—and to be clear,
no one can really do this
if all they do is look behind them.
I lived my life this way for way too long.
What if?
What could have been?
My past is my past,
which has been halved between wanted moments
and the undesirable ones,
or the unfortunate outcomes that took place
which has set me on the course
of where I am now.
Finding fault or searching for who’s to blame
is unnecessary now.
Yesterday is gone and no matter who lives there,
the fact is this:
I don’t live there
(not anymore).
We have to understand that life evolves
in moments of realization and when the time comes
that we realize the truth, or even the mistruths,
or when we recognize the unfortunate factors
that we wished were never so—we have to understand
that there is no way to force fate
or trick destiny into coinciding
with a hope that somehow;
something “was” going to happen,
even if we knew deep down; it could never be,
and then we realize that, ah-ha!
That life was never real.
But this is real
Here and now
Whatever could have happened did happen.
Whatever was supposed to happen
did happen
and since both are true,
the reason why something didn’t happen
was because, deep down,
I knew that none of this was supposed to be.
There is no hoping or dreaming
or wishing anymore.
No, there is only work and effort
and the cognitive decision
to see the life I want to live
cannot be hooked upon
or hinged upon anyone
else’s choice or decision.
This is my job.
And so is happiness.
I threw out a batch of my old yesterday’s
so that my tomorrow
will not be contaminated
or tainted or stained
by anything else.
If it is up to me,
then it is up to me.
3)
It is not bad anymore, the morning,
or the quietness, or the stillness
which is enough for me to sit still
and look out from my window
and see the quiet suburban life I have,
which is modest of course,
and while my financial comforts
are not what they were
or since my living room is small,
or since the fact that
my little corner of the world is small and modest,
or perhaps I could use the word humble;
I am not so bad off because
although the world around me has dwindled
and although my social surroundings
or my circles of influence has shrunk down
to a very small few—at least I know who I am,
and where I belong,
and who is better off being elsewhere—because now,
I know that I am much better off
being elsewhere.
4)
I don’t want to leave anything up to chance.
I want to say what I mean
and mean what I say and feel my feelings,
alive, and out loud, in-person,
and rather than allow my fate
the right to depict my future,
I have no choice
but to leave my goodbyes behind me
and to welcome the hellos ahead of me.
I have to say it . . .
it’s amazing what a smile can do . . .
It’s amazing what happens
when I see my reflection and realize that this is it . . .
Life is a choice
and like I said, if it is up to me
then I have to choose me
and be ready for the day ahead.
Otherwise,
there’s nothing else but
“more of the same.”
and I’ve played that game before
for too long, too
and now, I don’t want the same anymore.
No, I want more.
Anything (or anyone) else
is simply not enough.
It all comes down to a simple game:
See what you want
. . . and make it so!
The Written Addiction 