What is chaos anyway?
Let’s start this off with a basic definition –
Chaos, what is it?
Well, the dictionary says
it’s a state of confusion or wild disorder.
At least, this is what the dictionary tells me.
I think this goes further though,
and yes, I think that a state of confusion
or wild disorder is close enough. But no,
I think there’s more to it.
I think chaos puts us in a state
where we fail to listen or hear what’s being said.
I think this is when fears and worries
take over and the mind spins out of control,
irrational as ever, mad, afraid, worried
that the thing we want most
either wants us the least,
or that the things we need the most
or the dreams we have
or the one we love the most
either does not fit,
want us
or love us back, or, if at all,
chaos, or the chaotic mind
seems to believe that there’s something about us
that’s not enough;
so, in a way, we push ourselves
into the void of our own despair,
or we lose to a mindset of mass hysteria
and then we expect the rejection to take place
and hence, we fire off at the mouth
and oftentimes, we say things we don’t mean
or worse, we say things
that we later wish that
we hadn’t said at all . . .
But, not it’s too late.
(Am I right?)
This is chaos.
This is confusion.
This is when the mind sinks into panic mode
and anxiety skyrockets,
so we go out of control,
and then after all is blown to shit,
or after the unnecessary bouts
and hurtful arguments
and all the needless or senseless destruction
which came out as a result of our anger and worst predictions,
we find ourselves wishing with all of our hearts
that our apologies can cover the damages,
or if anything else,
that our outburst didn’t ruin anything worse than it was,
or worse than it had to be.
Trust me . . .
I know this all too well.
I speak from experience.
I have run off at the mouth.
I have said things out of expected resentment.
I have spoken out of fear and went on wild tirades,
and yes, I have absolutely lost my mind
and said things in jealous or envious fits because,
of course, and here’s the biggest truth
that no one cares to admit;
when it comes down to the truth,
the truth is, I failed to see my worth
and I failed to listen to what was said
and rather than listen
to the person who matter most in this equation,
or rather than see what was in front of me,
I listened to my unfortunate assumptions,
to which I found myself in bouts and arguments
that degraded me further and worse,
I was hurtful to the people I love the most
or more than ever, and
I found myself in unresolvable outcomes
that could have been avoided,
but no.
Chaos took over
and once more . . .
I lost my shit!
I stand before you, again,
humble as ever, and speaking before you
as a man with various imperfections—and yes,
my hand is on my heart, head bowed in all humility
and yes, I am aware of my sadness
or the self-induced dramas
which came from my imaginary assumptions
that built like a timebomb
until it became so big and so astronomical
that no matter what was said to me,
I was unable to stop the detonation
and boom!
I couldn’t hear the compliments
or the outpour of love and yes, it would seem
in this case that nothing would be enough,
so how could anyone console or care for me?
How could anyone reassure or help me,
or in my state of destruction,
I have found myself in the wake of my aftermaths,
just wishing for a “take back”
or the chance to say, “I’m sorry”
and hope that there was still room
for forgiveness.
This is what you do, Mr. Chaos.
This is how you trick me.
This is how you sabotage the way
we live, love, laugh and learn.
All I can do is sit here and confess myself
and hope, and try,
and learn to rebuild
so that if the chance comes again,
rather than fail because of my assumptions,
or feed into my assumed jealousies
I can succeed
and achieve a better level of awareness
by listening to what’s being said.
But hey, what can I tell you . . .
I’m an insecure little kid.
(at 51 years of age)
But I am trying . . .
. . . and no, I’m not dead,
which means yes, anything can be possible
even the things
that I assumed would never happen,
Like being happy
(with you)
The Written Addiction 