The Book of Chaos: How Love Keeps Me Awake

Yes, I’m aware that the book
is never the same as the movie,
or that life does not come
with the so-called “CliffsNotes”
or an abbreviated version
to ease the study of one another, but yes,
I get it.

No one takes the time
to read between the lines anymore
nor would it seem
that anyone looks to dedicate
the time it takes to really know someone,
or something,
or to dig deeper than just the surface level. 

I get it . . . 

The movie is never the same
as the book, at least not really.

And I’m sure there’s a reason for it . . .
Right?
I suppose the movie often
swiped by the Hollywood style
of a romanticized version of truth
or changed to an alternative of a so-called story.

Or maybe this allows a story
to become more tellable
or perhaps the idea is to make this
a more sellable version
of some kind of disassociated truth.

But that’s the movie,
which is not to say the story becomes untrue
or to be more accurate,
the story is based on truth, but hey,
we have become a society
who allows us to bend the truth,
if it makes for a better story that is.
We have become a society
who are drawn to the more addictive flash
of trainwrecks and accidents on the side of the road.

We revel in the rise and falls of others around us;
and more namely the falls.
Sure, the world loves a good underdog story.
We love a good comeback.
But hey,
it’s like I say –
we buy and sell stories
in either commercialized or attractive versions
because who needs the truth
so long as we have Hollywood –
am I right?. 

And truth…
The truth is not relative nor is this contingent
on our opinion, nor is truth concerned
with whether we like the truth—
or not.

And as for the truth–
here’s some of mine . . .

It is true,
I am a story, unfolding.
I am awake in the middle of the night
and wondering about the mistakes I’ve made
and how they will impact my tomorrow.

I am awake and thinking about my old friend Chaos,
who has gone back with me
since my early childhood. And yes,
I am awake,
wondering about fears, thinking too much about the world
which is beyond my grasp
or not within my control; and yes,
I am awake and thinking far too deeply
about the things I want
and the things I can’t seem to have.
And of course, I am awake and looking at the ceiling
when I’d rather be sleeping,
and I am alone when I would rather be
next to you.

There are people who are far and few in-between,
who take the time to read between the lines
and there are people who care and they care deeply,
but the pains of their past cause them to care less
or not care at all
(anymore).

But most are caught in their “me first” life
and there are those who are more interested
in the abridged version of someone else
because, to them, time is too costly of an investment,
and to them,
their world is too overwhelmed with their own self-centered bullshit,
which is why I say again—the good ones
are far and few in-between,
which is another idea
that keeps me awake
and keeps my old friend Chaos alive and well.

Loss . . .
What about loss?
What do you do when you find someone
so beautiful or so loving and,
what do you do when you feel so vulnerable?
How do you face the fears of loss,
just in case it all goes wrong,
which it does, which it’s happened,
and not just to me (or to you)
but to everyone.

And . . .
Maybe this is why everyone is so self-absorbed.
Maybe this is why the world is so jaded.
Maybe this is what ruins us as people;
the pain from the past,
the regrets we have,
or the resentments we’ve held onto,
which become our ideas
of how to stay safe.

See what I mean?
No one wants to read about this.
No one wants to hear about the truth
behind why you or I or anyone else is hurt or jaded,
or the fact that we never took the chance before;
at least not really, and when we did,
we chose to take poor chances
or waste our time with the wrong ideas
or the wrong people
and now what?

Where has this left us?
What happens when we invest so deeply
and then, BAM!
The world crumbles beneath us,
and the things we thought were true,
were actually untrue, and sure
I love the romance of a happy ending—
I have a fantasy of my own of how two people
have been connected since youth,
and that as a result of fate and life’s back and forth nature,
their paths continue to overlap
and the adventures of a life go from there
to happily ever after
which is enough to keep my hopes alive and you. . .
Well, this is why I still dream.
And, in fairness—this is why
I find it hard to sleep sometimes.

Maybe this is why the movie is always different
from the book.
The directors cut out the details
to avert the eyes of an ongoing love affair
which is filled with cinema’s ideas
of commercialized love
and the hopes for a sequel.

But to me –
There is no sequel.

Life only comes around
to give us one chance.
Time is ticking
and that’s another thing
that keeps me awake sometimes.
You know?
The fear that I’ll wake up too late
or miss my chance
(again)

Ah, my friend Chaos.
Sometimes,
I think you know me better than I know myself.

You know?