The Book of Chaos: Swirling Lights

Talk about chaos . . .
there is none like the ones you see
when swirling lights
flash around
or sirens come
or you see someone you love
as they’re lifted into an ambulance
and taken away.

There is no chaos in your heart
or disorder like the confusion you feel
when sitting in a waiting room
helplessly hoping
that a miracle takes place
and meanwhile
all you see are doctors and nurses
and gurneys . . .

Come to think of it –
I used to work emergency rooms
I was a member of a team to which,
I would be deployed to hospitals
after someone would overdose
on heroin.

Man . . .
I used to have to wait
or sit around before I could step inside
and speak with my client which
the hospital would regard them as a patient,
however, I did not have the proper credentials
to call anyone a patient.

Besides,
I think the word client
allows for a certain dignity.

I can say that I saw a lot.
I saw enough to know that
I never want to see another thing like this again.

I saw elderly couples, holding each other
in comfort, as if this might be their last goodbye.
I saw young people being treated for simple things
and often, I saw young people who were sick as ever,
and somehow, the topic of conversation
was centered around whether the person
had adequate insurance
or not.

I have been told that justice
is what you can afford.
I suppose that I would agree.
However, I would like to offer
that justice is not the only thing
that is limited to what you can afford.
I can say the same thing
goes for healthcare too.
Trust me

I have stood by and watched people
helpless as can be,
trying hard to comfort their loved one
or their friend
or their children.

I have spoken with people
who attempted suicide
and somehow
they survived
yet, there was little to no warmth for their hand
or their spirit.

I have watched and witnessed
both sadness and relief.
And sometimes,
well, —not everyone was fortunate.

Life is fragile and time is fleeting
which means that even now
time is escaping us—and this moment
is about to vanish.

I don’t want be old or alone,
or loveless to which,
I know that age is unavoidable
and I know that I will grow old
and gray and that one day,
I will be there too, in a hospital,
hoping, or gripping onto something,
just for hope.

But please, if there is a God up there,
and if He can hear me or,
if you are as they say, God,
please . . .
I don’t ever want to die alone.

I watched this happen.
And this is my biggest fear –
to die alone
or to die and be meaningless
or loveless
or to have left nothing behind
to say, “see that?”
“Yeah, that was me,”
“I did that . . .”

To miss out on life.
To not be there to hold the hand
of someone who dared the world with me
or who took a chance
or who laughed and cried
with me, or to fail to launch
and never dare, this is the worst of my fears.

I want to live.
And that’s what this is about:
To live,
I say this
because I have seen what has happened to those
who were refused that right
or their ability
to live, or to love
or laugh and learn.

I want to be there and live in the moment
I want to experience life;
as in real life . . .
I want to touch the sky
or reach for the moon,
and I want to find my place in this world
which, in my heart, I’ll know
this is exactly where I belong
and no one can refuse me here
no one can hurt me
and all who are in
this so-called special circle
well . . .
they are the ones who matter most,
even if there is only one
or it’s just one person
who I will call my life, my love,
my heart, and my family.

Dear God,
If you are up there
or out there . . .
or if this reaches the edges of the universe
and should this message be like a note in a bottle,
then please know,
to whom this may concern,
I don’t ever want to be alone,
or be like the people I’ve seen in the hospital
with no one to regard them
or no one to advocate for them,
and please,
if it is on me to improve,
or if it is up to me to make this so
then allow me to make the transition now,
as if to become better
or more suitable;
this way I can find my way home
or to a world that I would rather live in
then the world I often see.

It’s an “ask ,”
I understand that.
This is a big favor
and maybe this is a tall order.
But from what I’ve been told,
you are the one
who can make things happen
or helps us to make things happen for ourselves.

So, please,
help me.
I think I’ve seen enough chaos
for one lifetime.