I have a question,
which is plain and simple, really.
It is direct as direct can be
and although the answers might not
be as obvious
or as easy,
the question is really simple.
How does this work?
I think that this is a fair question.
Don’t you?
I think this question is fair to ask
and yes, I think this is a question
that can take off in different directions.
So, again:
How does this work?
I know that there are basic mechanics
when it comes to machines and things
which, if you ask me,
life itself is a machine too,
although, perhaps the gears are different
and the breakdowns
on the side of the road
can be for different reasons,
but like any machine,
all moving parts need care.
And that’s us.
We are moving parts
and though we break at times,
we have to remember
that we are not beyond repair.
I really believe this.
When it comes to life
or when it comes to happiness
or when it comes to love
or when it comes to the people
who we love,
or love the most,
or when it comes to the life we want
or the things we want the most
and when it comes to our priorities
or the long-term or so-called
bigger picture
which is what we have always wanted
but somehow, life threw a few tricks at us,
and then changed our course
or broke us down,
and when it comes to
what we thought would be our future,
my question for you is
how does this work?
How is it that life can be complicated
when facts are simple—or at least unemotional,
which, of course, is how we muddy the waters
of an otherwise clear picture
because we become all too emotional;
so again,
how is it that we can want something
so much and feel so strongly,
or love so hard and think so deeply
and meanwhile,
we know there’s nothing else we want,
at least not like this;
and whether life threw some tricks at us
or whether we have a past
or if there is a resentment
or reasons not to trust—how is it that
we feel so strongly
and we still have so much love in our hearts;
but even still, how is it
that we forget the main goal?
To be happy . . .
And that’s what I want.
To be happy
(with you)
Life is really not so simple nor complicated
but instead, this is where our good old friend
Mr. Chaos steps in,
and tricks us with ideas that turn inward
and ruin days or moments
by pushing us away from the present
and keeping us from the truth.
How does this work?
To let go or to realize
that all of the little internal arguments
are nothing more than unsettled disputes
which are either triggered by fear
or worries
or some insecure notion;
to which, none of this is helpful
because as angry as we get
we still want the same thing
which is to be happy.
But no, Mr. Chaos comes along
and he plants a seed
and burdens us with ideas
that stem from a thought
which is born from a worry
that says,
“Maybe I’m just not good enough!”
I can say firsthand and wholeheartedly
that I have seen what the mind can do
and how this kind of thinking
can literally “fuck up”
a great thing.
I have seen this happen
all because of some irrational fear
that snowballed, or turned inward
and like a sore, this festered and wept
and I have seen how
this has led people to an unfortunate prophecy
or some motivating concern
that kept them from
being “present,”
and pushed them away from their dreams.
I have seen this
and done this.
I have wondered:
Am I enough?
Have I ever been?
Would it matter if someone told me
“Yes you are”
if I never saw this within myself?
Is this why I argue the good things
instead of listen to them?
Maybe this is
because my fear took the better of me
or perhaps this is because my good old friend
Mr. Chaos snuck in
and pulled his trick,
like a demon
(again).
Thank you, Mr. Chaos,
I can see your angle, now, once again
and how you threw a few tricks my way.
And I fell for them too.
I can see how my lack of confidence
created a self-propelled outcome
that led me to a result
that I never wanted in the first place
yet, here it is, live and on stage,
the downfall of a heart
which only wanted to love
and be loved, just the same.
How does this work?
There is no rewind button.
There are no levers or triggers to pull
but, I’ve tripped over a few snags
and yes, I’ve hit a few traps,
but I’m still here.
Not even Mr. Chaos
can make me forget
that my love is real.
There are no do-overs
and there are no take backs
and there is no way to deny the heart and there
are no more reasons
to go over the worst of what happened
or fight about what took place
or analyze what we did
or revisit the sadness
and go over this
with a fine-toothed comb.
And so, I’m not done.
I’m not quitting.
I’m not giving up
because this is not a goal to me anymore.
This is not “just” a priority.
This is my life
and I want my life to be what I’ve dreamed
it would be
all along.
And how does this work?
With work.
That’s all.
And will it work out?
Somehow,
it will.
I believe in this.
I believe so
because the truth is,
I know there is love for me
and in return, I have to be able to
give back—selflessly
or, as you said, for now:
I have to trust the process
and stop fighting the good
with fears
that push me away.
So, how does this work?
I don’t know how this works
But I’m here to find out.
Aren’t you?
The Written Addiction 