The Bus

Sometimes, the hardest thing to understand is God the Father’s will……

Things were going well when my Old Man had his heart attack. He finally reached success with our family’s business. My brother was doing well in college and I was living on a farm in Upstate New York. The home was quiet and my parents, at last, had time to themselves. They went away together and enjoyed the benefits of a home without kids. But with all going well, The Old Man passed away, due to a series of heart attacks.

My grief ran in stages. First, I wasnumb. I was not numb in the sense that I went without feeling, but everything thing around me became perfectly still, as if I were stuck in a painful moment, or a bad dream.
After our goodbyes at the hospital, we went back to the house. My mother went in her room and my brother went in his. Meanwhile, I sat on the couch in the living room. I sat in the same spot The Old Man sat in when he would come home after a long day at work.
Everywhere I turned and everything I looked at was laced with memories of The Old Man. His energy was still very much alive, only it was alive in a way that I could not reach or touch. I could only feel it…and feeling began the process.

My next phase was a mixture of confusion and anger. I was sad; I wept and I felt the emptiness in the room. I remember asking, “Dear God, why did you take him now? Everything was finally going his way, and you decide to take him now?”

Throughout our life our bodies sustain damage. Throughout a series of heart attacks, The Old Man sustained too much damage, and it is my belief that God the Father came down.
I believe my Old Man’s passing was The Father’s way of saying, “I know you love him and I know you hurt, but he is with me now. I will take care of him and you will all see him again soon.”
I saw this as The Father’s way of stepping in and saving my Old Man from other suffering.

Years after The Old Man passed, I went to a hospital to say farewell to another family member. This time, it was my cousin Robbie. Robbie had cancer in his liver. He had Hepatitis and he was very uncomfortable. But mostly, he was frightened.

I sat with Robbie during the last days of his life. We talked about old times. We talked about the similarities between my life and his.
“I’m scared,” he told me.
“I don’t want to go out like this.”

The night before Robbie passed, he had a dream, and in the morning when I walked into his room, Robbie shared that dream with me.
“I had a dream about Uncle Ronnie,” he said.
(Uncle Ronnie was my father)
“He was driving a bus. And Grandma was there and Gramps. They were all on the bus and they were smiling. Then your father told me, Don’t worry. Everything is going to be fine. When you’re ready, we are going to come for you and you’ll get on the bus and come with us.”

Later, Robbie shared the news of that dream with his own father. The day was uncomfortable for Robbie, same as it was uncomfortable for Robbie’s Old Man. No parent should ever have to see their children this sick. No parent should ever have to outlive their child, or watch them pass.
Robbie was in pain. He could not go to the bathroom and the medication was not successful. All the hospital could do was keep him comfortable.

Before we left, I overheard Robbie talking to his father.
He said, “I think it’s time I get on that bus, Pop.”
Robbie assured his father, “But I’ll be okay, Pop. Don’t worry. Uncle Ronnie said he would take care of me.”

I cannot imagine what it must be like for a father to say goodbye to his own son. I cannot imagine what it took for Robbie to ask his father if it was okay to get on that bus. But the cancer was overwhelming and Robbie had sustained too much damage.

Robbie passed that night. I suppose he boarded that bus with The Old Man and our grandparents. The Father stepped in and said to those left behind, “I know you are hurt and I know you miss him, but he is with me now. I will take care of him and you will see him again soon.”

I believe in that bus, and I believe in the grace of God.
Sometimes, the hardest thing to understand is The Father’s will.

I cannot understand why children are sick
I cannot understand why good people pass too soon, or why we lose the ones we love.
But I do understand that sometime we sustain too much damage in life, and when that time comes, God the Father steps in to save us from other suffering.

I am thinking of St. Michael right now….

St. Michael was mentioned in the book of Daniel as, “A great prince that stood up for the children of your people.”
I know one child he is standing up for right now. But should The Father come….I know St Michael will be there too.