I think it is only fair to be honest and clear. . .
I was never much for daily affirmations. I never liked much of the wellness routines that I saw. As for mindfulness, the only thing that I was mindful of is that my life was not working out. I was unhappy and easily triggered. My thoughts were pre-wired to anxious or depressive thinking. I was quick to fight and quick to give up. Meanwhile, I was following a blueprint for a life that I had outgrown. Or, maybe the life I had was never the right plan.
Of course, this is where I struggled the most. I was always trying to adapt. I always looked to adjust myself so that I could fit. At the same time, I never knew why. I only knew that I needed this to change.

We were talking the other day about the weight of our emotions. I was telling two friends about my ideas of something I call our self-destructive response disorder. Some could say this is a model of self-harm. Some could say this is what happens with alcohol or substance abuse disorders. And me, I like to explain that this is what happens when the emotions get too thick. This is a reaction. This is what happens when life turns in ways that we struggle to understand. Thus, we respond.

It’s time to put things in a simple construct. I am not one for the wordiness of programs that teach about wellbeing, nor do I understand the often unappealing hokiness of certain methods. However, I am only a person who understands what works for me. This does not mean what worked for me is something that works for everyone. Then again, my aim in my journals and my research is to find a commonality between us. I want to figure out in the simplest, most followable terms, what works, what makes sense and what simplifies the complicated thoughts that trigger anxiety or the anticipation of impending doom.

I don’t know what age this started. Safe to say that I’ve always been me. Safe to say that I’ve always identified with some kind of concern. Perhaps not everything was always so tragic but nevertheless; for as long as I can remember, I have always connected my thinking to a concern or a worry.
I never knew why. I never understood where this came from and at best, I thought this was only me.
Who else thinks this way? Who else worries all the time and feels like something is always lurking around the corner? Who else believed there was this impending doom, lurking and waiting for me around the corner or hiding in the dark. 

So, you say that you have anxiety disorder. Is that right?
Me too . . .
Ever freak out?
Ever come to the point where the walls are closing in and nothing works?
Nothing stops. Yell if you want, but nothing helps. You can’t calm down. You can’t rest and you can’t get out of your own skin.
I’ve been there and if you’ve read this much, then I assume you have too.

There is a word I remember hearing when I was a boy. The word was long and strange but nevertheless, the word is real. Are you ready for it?
Back as a kid, The Old Man used to tell me that I lacked a sense of sticktoitiveness and I remember thinking, “Is that even a word?” And it is.
Stick-to-it-iveness means determination and to be persistent even in the presence of difficulty. My Father would tell me that I needed to toughen up. I had to thicken my skin. He told me that I needed more sticktoitiveness or otherwise, I’d become something soft and habitual. 

I will be going back and forth from the adult mind and the child’s mind on this one. . .

I have seen different places in this world. I have seen the faces of children when their eyes are open wide and completely amazed. There is something to this. There is something beautiful and pure. I am amazed by this.
I am amazed by the way a child sees the world, all new, all the time and always wanting and searching for more. I think about the different phases of understanding and how age takes away some of our rights. I think about the absolute wonder of youth and how our version of life is this limitless thing.
I say this because there are no limits to childhood dreams. I say this because youth is nothing more than a plethora of dreams. It’s filled with hopes, imagination and fantasies. 

I know I’m not alone when I relate to having a case of monkey brain. I know I’m not alone when I say that my thoughts can be all over the place. I can think myself into a million different directions. Whether in the past or the future, I know what it’s like to not be present because my mind is somewhere else. 

Enter the thought machine . . .

I find myself back at another starting point. Today is the second day of the new year, which means we are back around the sun again and the world itself is physically back where it was at this time last year. Once more, we have accomplished another full revolution around the sun and what have we learned? Who have we become and what have we accomplished?