There were about 40 to 45 guests at the farm where I lived towards the end of my teenage years. This was not a funny farm of any sort nor was the word fun a choice that I would pick for what went on at the farm. I say this with love and respect as well as in honor of a time where I underwent a lifesaving change. 
To set the stage, I lived on a farm in a small mountain town, far away from anything that was familiar to me. The scene was pretty and calm. The views from the farm were breathtaking yet I was not there for the food and friends nor was I there for the experience.

NYC – 1992

I used to find myself in a small coffee house on the corner of 38th and Broadway, facing the street and looking out the window at all of the business people as they passed me by. I was young and new to the working world.
I was unsure of how to make the jump from an equivalent stock boy to a highly paid sales executive in the matter of a few months. I grant that the idea was far from realistic yet there were so many dreams and ideas of me living in the big city.
I would envision myself, like Big John Bigshot with a loft or some kind of trendy apartment. Perhaps, this would be somewhere downtown in SoHo where I could offer elegant parties which, at the age of 19, my best version of elegance was a chicken and rib combination with extra cornbread from BBQ’s on 2nd Avenue. 

I write this to you with a full understanding that not everyone enjoys the same things in life. Not everyone likes the same food and while we go around the sun and as we take another spin on this boulder we know as Project Earth; we live and we grow with an entire life ahead of us. We evolve and we change. As we grow, we have new things happening and life is unfolding on a daily basis.

I offer this because as we grow and as we change, we find ourselves moving into different levels of awareness. If we allow ourselves, we can grow with new experiences; in which case, we can try new things. Or, more to the point, we can taste new things and enjoy them. We can use these flavors to detail our memory and color them with wonderful thoughts of times when we sat together as a family, friends or as lovers. Yes, at the risk of repeating myself too often, I share this sentiment because this is an extension of me and, hence, this is why I say that food is love.

There was a little place on a common street in my old neighborhood that dates back to my days in junior high school. This was when we used to cut class and go for sandwiches. The long name was Figarelly’s but the short and more common name was Fig’s Deli which, to me or to anyone who grew up in the town of East Meadow, was the home of great sandwiches like “The Big Guy.”

There will be no apologies for this entry. Instead, there is only an extension from me to you about a truthful space in my heart. Therefore, without any further hesitation, I would like you to put your imagination caps on and do your best to visualize the concepts of what I am about to share with you.

So . . .

I have always loved the autumns in New York. I love the drives along the parkway to see the colors of the leaves in the trees. I love the smell in the air and the subtle hint of nearby fireplaces where smoke comes from chimneys and permeate the air. For the moment, the warmth has stalled at a midway process, like the slack tide between the in and out near the beaches at Point Lookout. The wind is neither too warm or too cold and the air is just right. Ah, there is an exhale and pause from the overheated pressure at the end of our summer months.

I don’t mind the sweaters. I don’t mind the ideas of bundling up or finding a cause to create warmth. In fact, I appreciate the change of seasons for this exact reason: We can find new ways to become connected. While I grant that this is taken from my perspective, if I may, I’d like to offer you a picture in your mind to help transition this journal entry to act like a movie screen in the mind.

Rest assured that there will always be something that comes along to steal your thunder. Trust me on this one. Just know that whether this is a person, place or thing is up to the stars. But either way, no one is above the fringes of disappointment. No one gets away without a scratch and, to be clear, in the case of life against life, no one walks away unscathed. However, in the course of your life, whether you go or stay, quit or stand, there is always the option to improve and endure.
Some people look to endure and move on. Some people find that pain is too unbearable; therefore, they never dare to venture to places outside of their safety.

To begin, I will ask that if there is any part of you that is stigma-based; kindly leave your judgment someplace else. The following time and location is taken from a place where I was sent to rethink and reshape my life. Admittedly, my initial intentions were less than sincere. Then again, I was less than a sincere person back then and, in some cases, I was less than good.
I was a different person then. I was hateful as ever and angry, young and misled by the provocative arguments and social misleading which was brought up out of ignorance and simple misteachings. Plus, I was at the chippie station or, otherwise, I was in the young stages of teenage addictions.
Therefore, I was medicated and obligated to a life that was not in my best interest. I was living amongst hateful times with hateful people and to protect myself, I shielded myself with hateful ways (to keep me safe) and, additionally, I struggled with the chemical reactions from a life that was hinged upon emotional pain and chemical dependency.

Hence, I set this stage to blossom like a flower or act as a representation of my education – or, more poetically; I define this as my own personal genesis. This is where I arrived at the station of education. Or safer put, this is where I earned my pin and achieved a sense of knowledge, wisdom and understanding. This comes from a time of my biggest misguidance yet this is about a moment of awareness which I choose to celebrate.

I think of dinners and people with friends who gather at festive times. I think of holidays like Thanksgiving or otherwise, I think of people in their humble abodes and regardless of money or the lack thereof, I believe the sayings about love and family are true. You can have all the money in the world. You can have everything you want and all that you can ask for. But if you don’t have a family or if you don’t have anyone meaningful to share your life with, you might as well not have anything at all.

There was a good place on Hempstead Turnpike that has changed owners more than once. However, there was a time when I was new to the old neighborhood. When I say this, I say this because this was the time when I was reintroduced to my old surroundings.  
My life had recently changed in a way that I was unsure of what would come next. I had left the home where I’d been living as well as a life that had not been mine for a very long time. 
I was new to the process of divorce and new to the ideas of being by myself and on my own without someone to check in with. At this point, I suppose my basic intimidations were financial and emotional.

I might have told you about this more than once but perhaps for this entry, it is important that I tell you once more. So, here it goes.
At one point, I decided to get in my car at the early portion of a weekend morning. The sky was a quiet shade of gray. The cold air from the new season crept in to prove that autumn was in the rearview. And there was a cold time ahead of me without the promise of warmth.