I come back here, to this spot,
which is what I consider to be
the re-birthplace of self,
to where it begins and ends
and to where the cycles of life unfold
and then fold over once more.
I came back here to this place,
where I begin my ending,
and more to the point,
this is where I ready myself
for the new chapters ahead of me.
I look around at what I’ve seen.
I think of the positions I’ve played
or the people I’ve known
and the interactions between myself
and the world around me.
I hold myself accountable . . .
I have traveled in circles. I’ve walked the line,
extended outward and along the way,
I have come to new heights
and learned new things.
I have reached new levels of awareness
and sometimes,
I’ve gone back to my old adjustments
just to survive
or keep my head up.
I have grown and sometimes,
I backslide;
I revert back to some of my older thinking,
which is more from old training
and more reactionary than anything else.
See, the truth is –
I’m only trying to get by.
I want to be okay
I want to step out and not wonder
or worry
or think about the impending doom
which may or may not be around the corner –
So in an effort to toss away my useless cares,
I replace them with something useful
like you or
like this
I come here to the place of my rebirth
where I redefine myself
and learn that my definitions of life
have changed. And they’ll keep changing
I come here to reconcile
with my different moments of awareness,
to which the light came on
and there it was,
the truth which I was blind to
had now become illuminated by facts
which I could no longer deny.
I come here, of course,
because where else would I be if not here?
Where else could there be?
Not mention, who else would I choose to be with
besides you?
I come here every day to find something lost
or to seek shelter,
to find some kind of sanity
and in this place
which I have built with my blood, sweat and tears,
I have come here to reach a level of awareness.
Daily . . .
I am here because I know where I was.
I know what I have seen
and I know what I want to see more of
which is only natural, of course,
because the course of life
is chosen in stages.
I know this now.
I know that the same as I have advanced;
so have my choices
I know that my eyes are opening wider
which means that as I see clearer
and as I move throughout my life,
I understand the laws of interaction
more than I did before.
I understand more about the presence of self
and more, I understand more about my personal conduct.
I understand more about the reactions to
and the results of my ways and
I understand that I am a series
of social and personal investments.
I understand that with every action comes a reaction
and that, yes, life is very much a karmic place.
I come here to report my findings
and to declare my understanding as well as this:
I have come here, to this point,
where I offer my closing observations
in which I am offering these findings
which I hold these truths to be my own
and with exception to my perception,
I understand this is neither true nor false –
No, this is only an experiment –
it’s just a test –
just to see.
I have come here,
back to a place that is familiar to me;
the place of my rebirth, where I come to find safety,
to where I am free to let my shield down,
to put my sword away
and clean my wounds
and to where I can come to heal
and rebuild myself
to be better, stronger and faster
but most of all
smarter.
I have learned that with all I know,
I only know so much.
I know this now
I know they say this is life.
They say that life is always moving
and whether we agree to the laws of nature
or whether we abstain
or decline to believe in anything,
I am inclined to believe that all things are limited
to a specific version or view that comes from the mind.
I have come to the understanding that I, myself;
at best, I am always and only human.
I am only me which neither minimizes
no maximizes me through the mazes of ego;
but instead – this keeps me humble,
aware, and in the understanding
that I am only a being here,
no differently from a blade of grass
in a collective field –
all of us swaying
all of us bending with the wind
and all of us in need of the sun
so we can grow.
I have changed, both physically,
down to a cellular level and emotionally,
I have changed at both a psychological, spiritual
and an intellectual level.
I am grown now, improving,
day by day and greeting stronger.
Yet, age is an interesting companion.
In its path, we find ourselves growing
and shrinking at the same time.
We find ourselves more aware yet
we are less aware of the nonsense which, quite possibly;
comes to us after we’ve hit our head
so many times on the same things
that eventually
we learn to go in a different direction.
I come here to recognize my different levels of change;
but more, I come here because this journal
is no different from any other.
I am here to come to a constructive conclusion –
so that I can find my way
and reach that level
or that beautiful plateau or
more ultimately,
I want to find that place
known as serenity, as in peaceful;
as in to find my place
where the calmness is uninterrupted
and our insanities are disregarded
like child’s play.
(I exhale)
I come here to the one and only place where,
if I choose, I can let the light shine in or,
if I prefer, I can keep this place dark,
or dim, or in the sense of comfort;
I prefer to explain it this way –
I come to you before a large, white screen,
which is my trusty companion
on this journey
which is my computer screen; empty and wordless.
This is my canvas.
This is my way of navigating through thought.
This is how I contend with the downward spirals
or the variations of quicksand;
whether it’s personal or emotional,
professional or financial;
either way, quicksand is still quicksand
and the harder we try to escape,
the deeper and faster we sink.
I come here to overcome these sort of things
I suppose you do as well.
No?
I have created this process to act as a lifeline
or to use as a rope
or a branch so that when I find myself drowning inwardly
or when my thinking betrays me;
I come here to rescue myself from drowning
because of all things I have found;
I have found this to be true –
We have to replace unwanted thoughts
with wanted actions.
We have to find a way to process the world around us.
We have to create a reward system,
even if there are no rewards
or if life itself is unrewarding
or coming at us on a win or lose basis;
we have to find a way
to connect with our reward system
and more importantly,
to keep us from the internal persecution,
we have to come to a daily agreement
where we hold ourselves accountable
for our own actions and let go
of the actions that are beyond our control.
I am not ready to let this go, not yet.
At least, not today.
I am a person in need of work
because this helps me keep my sanity.
What I mean is,
I have to have a project to work on.
I need something to paint my canvas with.
I need an idea and an inspiration
which is slowly evolving as I write this to you;
however, as an artist, I’m sure you can understand
I am also afraid to put myself out there
(again)
Even if I’m putting myself out there now-
So what? No one knows these things,
but us.
It’s not like I’m telling the whole world
hey, look at me: I’m human . . .
which is an interesting thing to claim these days,
especially now with today’s climate
and identity politics.
I have only been me for my “entire life.”
In fact, I have always been me –
it’s just taken some time
to understand this
and what it means to find my
“best potential.”
I can see where I’ve grown.
I can see where I’ve improved.
(Can you?)
I can see what I’ve survived
and without mentioning the details of my scars,
both visible and otherwise,
I understand that while life took its turn,
so did I.
To me, this journal is my proof.
Come to think of it
I remember one of the shithouse poems
written on the wall
in a junior high school bathroom
“I was here
but now I’m gone
but my name is here to carry on . . .”
Then again,
somewhere else on the bathroom walls
was the poem:
They paint these walls
to stop my pen
but the shithouse poet
strikes again . . .
I suppose my point here is this is my proof
that I was alive; that I survived
That I went at it
That I did something
And fought back
rather than slip into the frailness
of emotional weakness.
For some reason
and for whichever reason this might be, I am here.
Still going back at it
and still writing, regardless of the critics
or the agents who hung up on me
or never returned an email/
I have come this far. I have spilled myself
as best as I can
to rid myself of the familiar demons, to rid myself of the failures
and the fears, the insecurities
and the voice of the painful narrative
who, of course,
all of the above knows me and they know me well,
on a first name basis.
In fact; I call this me.
I come here to fill this screen on a daily basis
because, quite honestly,
I don’t know how else to express myself
or move beyond my limitations.
See this?
This is my art
and these are the last finishing touches
with only a few more strokes
to complete the picture.
Tomorrow though…
Let’s hold this journal for one more day.
We can close this tomorrow
and pick up somewhere else
or anywhere else
Tomorrow –
Yeah, that sounds like a good idea
Agreed?
The Written Addiction 