Introduction:
There were a few months in the summer of ’06 in which I had to redefine myself. I had to come to grips with certain choices that I made which, as a result of a trade, I found myself in uncharted territory.
First, I had to strip myself down from all that I had, which was easy because, at that time, I went from a large house to a small apartment.
I was alone for the first time. I had no one to turn to anymore. I had no one to blame either which meant all roads began and ended with me.
I had no idea what to do with myself and, in fairness to my story, I was at the end of my rope. I couldn’t live the way I was living anymore. Then again, I had no idea how to live any differently.
Like I always say, for as long as I’ve been around, I have always been me. Therefore, I never knew how to be anyone else. Yet, at the same time, I wasn’t even sure how to be myself.
I came to a point where the decision was literally to do or die. I had to make a choice. Either I was going to end this once and for all or I was going to stop the bickering and the back and forth arguments in my head. I was either going to quit and submit to my thinking or I was going to surrender my losses and find my version of life to recover what I lost.
I had to find a way to relieve the pressure. By this I mean the constant pressure which comes from problematic thinking or the energy which comes from the internal narrative.
I couldn’t live with the ideas of impending doom anymore. I was always waiting for the bad news to come and in expectation of this, I learned that there’s a difference between paranoia and depression. While the two result in similar ways, depression is a reflection of self-worth.
I had to find a way to start from scratch. I couldn’t live like this anymore. Therefore, to rebuild myself, by myself, I had to learn to do this without wondering about an outside source. I had to realize that this change had to begin with me. To reiterate the very first words I placed in my first journal, I had to realize that “my redemption has nothing to do with your response.”
I admit to my fears. I admit to my worries of perfect adherence because I had never been perfect with anything before. I never kept any of my personal commitments and, previously, I was somewhat habitual when it came to giving up on myself. But this had to change.
I had no idea which way to go and, to be clear, I had been going through the motions for so long, what would my life be like now that I wasn’t living up to someone else’s expectations?
What would my life be like now that I wasn’t trying to seek acceptance or approval from someone else?
I explained a lot of this in my first publication, Operation Depression, which the title alone should explain my background and the history of my mental health. Yes, there was nothing flowery or rainbow-like about this book. This was all-telling and humbling. No, I suppose this publication was not for everybody. Then again, the intention of that book was to help people who, like myself, were stuck in a pattern of thinking. As described in other journals and entries, I wanted to offer an explanation that might help uncover or shine a light on thinking in which we often lose to our thinking like water loses to a drain.
Everyone goes through something in life and that’s it. That’s the thing about life.
Nobody gets out alive.
We all have something to deal with or something to contend with. Everyone goes through an emotional challenge and, at some point, everyone deals with a broken heart.
Everyone goes through loss. We lose friends. We lose family. We lose loved ones and yes, at one point or another, everyone experiences betrayal.
There is no one among us who has never been bullied or picked on or made to be foolish.
Everyone experiences humiliation and embarrassment and everyone, I mean absolutely everyone, goes through an episode in their life which they swear to themselves: “That’s never going to happen to me again.” Yet, life unfolds and whatever happened, eventually happens again and we shake our head and wonder “Why?”
This introduction is to segue into my next series of journals which are from a personal perspective; however, in order to qualify as human and give my perspective a little background, I want to explain who I am and why I do what I do.
First, I am a person who has been on both sides of the mental health table for a very long time. I am a survivor of my own self. I have survived incidents and accidents and self-destructive patterns. I have lived through poor ideas of personal conduct and selfishness.
I used to live to survive and by that, I mean that in my fears of somehow “not being enough” I used to believe that I had to take what I could get. Better yet, I was an emotional thief!
I had to “get there first,” so-to-speak.
In the end, I fully believed in the cycle which taught that what goes around comes around and because I believed this so deeply, I believed that there are people who are meant to ride at the top of the wave and there are those who are meant to be at the bottom or in the underbelly of the karmic cycle. This was me. In fact, this was me for a very long time.
Over the last several years, I have been working on different projects. I’ve earned different credentials to help and understand others as well as to help and understand myself.
I have a longstanding and deeply intense relationship with anxiety.
My relationship with depression is equally as long and while the two run parallel to one another, I had to find an outlet.
So . . . I decided to write.
I had to create an action that helped remove me from my thinking so that, in fact, I could think better so that I could feel better and then finally, I was able to perform better so that I’d be able to live better.
I am someone who realizes that although there are countless self-help programs and all come packaged in similar ways; there is no reason to complicate the process nor is there any use complicating the obvious reasons why we “go crazy” sometimes.
What started out as an idea has led me up to where I am now. I am someone with more than 32 years of consecutive sobriety. My relationship with suicide and suicidal ideation has been with me since the early ages of grade school. My first attempt was when I was 8 years-old.
As mentioned, I have been on both sides of the mental health table for my entire life. Either I was the one in need of recovery and help or, I was on the other side, learning to help those who (like me) could not find a way to help themselves.
I became a coach, a specialist, an advocate and a mental health first aid instructor. Why?
Well, to put this as clearly as I can, I believe that there’s nothing more punishing than the impact of our thinking.
I believe that our memory is a trick which can lie to us and can obviously be distorted due to perception. Thus, the way we see things can become skewed by our insecure worries and fears.
I have come to the understanding that our irrational and emotional side cannot calm down just because someone comes along and tells us to “calm down.”
I have been privy to countless freak-outs and meltdowns and as a person in this world, human by nature, I have had more than my fair share of “moments.”
I have had my own bouts. There were plenty of times when I lost myself to the funneled thoughts of my thinking which swirled me down the drain.
My aim for these journals is to both normalize and humanize our so-called “crazy’ thinking. I say this because there’s a word for these freak-outs. In fact, the same word applies for our meltdowns or the self-destructive reactions or responses to the world around us.
That word is called “normal.”
We beat ourselves up with judgment and, therefore, we scrutinize ourselves to an unrealistic standard. But before I close this introduction to my next series of journals, I go back to the quote that says, “You will never speak to anyone as much as you speak to yourself. So, be kind.”
I have been creating programs and presentations to simplify the way we think and to help us understand our challenges and where they come from. I have been working to simplify the maps we use to find our best version of “self.” To be clear, that’s what this is all about.
By the way. . .
If you (or someone) would have come to me back when I started this journey and told me that I would be where I am, in fairness, I wouldn’t believe it.
Mostly, my thinking wouldn’t have allowed me to believe this was so.
I would wish for this. I would hope that someday, I could do this; that I could write both collectively and at least somewhat professionally and that to someone out there or to someone who was experiencing life in a similar pattern; I could relay that there is hope and that no one is really alone.
I came to a supplication with myself where I entered into a plea where I sought to find a semblance of sanity and to where, with no other direction to turn, I chose to replace my thoughts with action.
I made a commitment to write, every day, every morning, and so before I dressed myself and left for work, I would write at least once piece which is my therapy. This is what led me to where I am now.
I plan to talk about the birth of my freak-outs and meltdowns. I plan to discuss the diagrams of my thinking and how this impacted my feelings and then, of course, I will diagram how thoughts and feelings are different from our chemical reaction which is our emotion. As a result, this is our body’s chemical response to our thinking.
This is why we “feel” our thoughts.
This is when the heart rate gets going and when the fear receptors overreact to our thinking, our body responds to this.
So here we go on a new journey –
To explore the birth of our freak-outs and to understand our meltdowns.
Are you ready?
Good . . .
Then let’s begin.
The Written Addiction 